I met with my WH last week at his request for what I thought was going to be the divorce discussion. Turns out he has ended his affair (or so he claims) and isn't sure what he wants now. He acknowledged the affair occurred because he was harboring a few minor issues that turned into huge walls once he started talking with the OW. He also acknowledged that he liked the attention and compliments she gave him. He has been giving me mixed signals since our initial meeting...one day he wants me to attend his next counseling session with him and the next he wants to go to a lawyer.

What do I need to do to save my marriage? All advice is greatly appreciated!

Did you follow any of the previous advice?

Did you consult with an attorney?

Its fairly obvious to us here that he's having trouble in affairland, and wants to make sure you're still available as a back-up. Cuz he doesn't want to go without having a woman stroking his *ego*.

He didn't make one single step in the direction of saving your marriage. He just wanted to make sure he has you as an option.

Are you ready to follow the MB plans now?
You weren't in a real Plan B.

The best thing you can do is go into Plan B and tell him to buzz off until he is totally committed to meeting your conditions. Otherwise, he is wasting your time and just making you emotionally and physically sick. You should not have anything to do with him if he is giving you "mixed signals."

What you are doing is allowing a wayward to control your life. That is like allowing a drunk driver to drive your car. You should take back control of the wheel.

You make yourself the LEAST attractive option by allowing him to stay in contact with you and allowing him to set the conditions. You have cheapened your value to him by accepting him under these conditions.

Send him a Plan B letter telling him to not contact you until a) he has ended his affair [ verifiable] and b) will commit to a program of recovery. That program of recovery means he commits to extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair and enters the Marriage Builders program to create a romantic relationship with you. A huge part of EP's is for him to lead a completely transparent lifestyle so he can't possibly have another affair.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?

It's usually better for all who want to help you if you stick to one thread.

LINK to your original thread.

What did your attorney teach you about your options?

LINK to thread about FALSE RECOVERY <~~~ critical for you to read & take in.

Yes, I consulted an attorney and was extremely grateful for her advice.

I definitely feel like I'm his back-up plan and it doesn't feel good! I'm ready to implement MB plans, but just need to know where to start.

Wow, you are so right! I feel like I just started back at the beginning of my recovery again...no sleep, crying uncontrollably,can't eat, etc. So my next step is to send him the plan b letter and then go into no contact? I will work on the letter tonight. Anything else I need to know or do?

One more question, he asked me if I wanted to go to his next counselor's appointment. Should I go or not? I assume if I'm in plan b the answer is no.

Depends.
When is the appointment?

The MB witch in me wants to advise you to hand over the Plan B letter during the appointment. Take 2 cars. LOL

Sorry about that Pepperband. I wasn't sure if adding to the original thread was appropriate.

The attorney gave me some excellent advice and she suggested I determine what my real desires are (like house, car, etc.) and what I'm willing to give up to get them (401K, pension, etc.). She suggested I let him know I consulted an attorney and tell him it's time for him to file for divorce. She said if he refuses then we can take the lead. However, since all the fees are incurred by the one filing the claim, I should try to get him to make the first move.

The appointment is on Wednesday. I think your plan is a good one! What will the counselor think though? Will that make me look bad?

\

Of course not. Write him a Plan B letter, get an intermediary, change your locks and shut him down completely. Don't allow him to contact you at all. Go and read this:

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY

Okay I will read this thread tonight & work on my letter.

Another question...although he has been out of the house for almost 5 months, most of his clothes are still in his closet. Should I bag them up and give them to him prior to my plan b letter so he doesn't contact me looking for them?

Bag everything and drop the stuff off somewhere else. Like his friend's home or his parents. Before Plan B. You can send the Plan B letter after.

Great, now I have a plan!

• pack up his stuff and drop it off
• send him the plan b letter

Thanks for all the help!!

Well today was one of the most difficult days of my life. I bagged up all of his belonging & gave them to him along with my plan b letter. Why does this hurt so much?? I really hope that the no contact helps to ease my pain.

I'm sorry it hurts.

It will hurt, but it will get better.

The secret is, The darker your Plan B the better you will feel. Whenever there is a hole it will make you reel back to square one.

Do You have all possibilities of how he can have contact with you closed?

Thanks, BrainHurts! I designated an IM in my plan b letter. Should I do something else too? I thought about blocking him on my cell phone so he can't call or text me.

...blocking him on my cell phone...

YES! Plus...

Have any e-mails sent to "spam" by your reader.
Return any snail-mail letters unopened.
Tell all your family/friends you want no information about him.
Use "caller-ID" on any land-lines to avoid him.
If you have a phone at work, try to have coworkers screen him out.
Start the process of removing reminders (pictures, etc) from display.
Submit a "change-of-address" for him for US postage.

Thank you for the tips!! I wondered about the pictures and have been hesitant to remove them, but I understand why that will be helpful so I will take them down this weekend.

Addition to NG's advice. I would change all contact information and especially your phone. Blocking him won't stop him calling from another number.

Can you change your phone number?