I think hearing the exact words in a similar setting caused the reaction. The intent of her words were not the same.

What I am struggling with is why the strong emotional reaction in me.

Makes me wonder what the real underlying issue is. I felt a tinge of resentment and didn't realize it was there.

I am hoping it is just emotional memory conjured up by my wounded mind hearing FWWs old familiar protest.

We have not had the opportunity to be alone long enough to discuss it until tonight.

No more conflict avoidance though!

I hate that I keep tripping up and am looking for what step I have missed or what mistake I am repeating.

I don't want to LB FWW nor hinder our MR. I know from what I have read I have to change what I am thinking about before the emotions come storming in.
The shock of hearing FWW say those words gave me just enough pause that my mind tarried too long on the past.Those associated emotions when they hit washed over me so hard I felt all the hurt, anger and rejection.

And of course not only did I NOT remember what had learned I waded further in.

It is so true what they say about us wet thirsty horses?

Application is where I'm falling behind it seems!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting and believe FWW just unintentionally struck a still raw nerve.

The deepest wounds truly heal last.

This is where you have to remind yourself, WLE, that the affair was fantasyland and not the real world. I know it hurts when things remind you of "what she did with/for him that she's never done with/for me..." I know I've been there. I'm sure most FBS's have. Here's the thing though: it will never compare to the beauty and long lasting joy and happiness that a great marriage brings! NEVER.

Sometimes these triggers surprise us because we thought we were passed them - or at least hoped we were. Knowing that there is no finish line in recovery helped me: it's not like this trigger is regression. It's just part of the process. To add, the longer you are in recovery, there comes a time when you settle in (both partners) and you have to remember to fight harder for that great relationship. This could be one of those times for you and Mrs. WLE. Maybe she needs a reminder that spontaneous SF is a real LB deposit for you...whether she just got out of the shower and/or is going to work or not. And for you - remembering to give her plenty of affection not tied to SF.

Use the trigger to your advantage and step up your game.

Sunny
I am reaping what I have sown. These problems are of my own making.My continued dishonesty and conflict avoidance has kept FWW from knowing what triggers I still had and what ENs aren't being meet.
The FWW and I talked about the situation and she completely understands why it bothered me to hear her say what she did now and she says she will be more aware of this area in the future.
She also said she wants to do the things that keep me thinking about our future together not our past.
As always thank you for the help.
It is painfully apparent I don't understand all I know about MR.

"It is painfully apparent I don't understand all I know about MR."

Here's the thing: the more you do, the more you know...but there are just layers to it all. In the beginning, you're learning basic concepts - enough to survive. Eventually you learn more intricacies of each concept that get you past surviving and into thriving. It's a never ending process - and that's perfectly OK!

I have not seen my FWW so happy in years. She tells me everyday how much she loves me.
I understand how to meet her EN way better than I know how to let her know my own.
We are trying to re-do our EN questionnaires for the workbook.
Hopefully this will help me voice them to her.
I want to be where she is!

Great news wle2!

RQ
Yes it is! Maybe there is something to all this MB stuff after all!

I truly believe so. I see so many here that attribute their happiness to MB. I hope the same for Kiss and I.

Fantastic!!!

It IS great news. BUT........

You NEED to make sure you are expressing your needs and she is meeting those as equally well as you are meeting hers.

You know this, of course.

If you don't - you will become resentful and that's not good!

RQ,
We ALL hope that ya'll get there!
God and finding MB keep me from total disaster. The concepts found here do work, but implementing them EXACTLY is the key I have finely understood.
I don't post everyday but I do read everyday and know that what I have learned here through following the lives of others like you who have been fighting so hard for their marriages and the wonderful people here who respond to us have made the difference for me.
Don't give up!

SD,
I have found that the depressions I have been periodically fighting all seem to spring from the resentment I allowed to creep in because of my past fear and conflict avoidance.
A very wise woman taught me that not long ago!
It is still a work in progress and old habits die hard, but I am determined to beat that beast also!

Yes it is!!
Thank you Brainy for all you do!

You're welcome.

Well - it is certainly a new habit that has to be developed. The way I learned to think of it is this: when you keep your mouth shut when you should speak up you are actually being disrespectful of your wife. You're saying "I don't trust you to handle the truth." It's a DJ.

When you avoid conflict, you are lying - misrepresenting the state of your relationship.

Just remember, your relationship is an entity outside of yourself: it has to be put before you and before your wife. When each of you puts the marriage first, that's where the magic happens. When you're not overcoming those habits of conflict avoidance, you are not putting your marriage first; you're putting YOU first. When you look at it that way, you are looking out for your own best interests when you avoid conflict. We often fool ourselves into thinking we are "looking to make the other person happy" or some other nonsense that makes it sound more noble than it is.

wow, sunny, that was a great post! (the whole thing, not just the blue.)

SD,
You hit the nail on the head for me. I am learning to trust that she can handle the truth and that it is a DJ to be dishonest. I didn't even realize what I was really doing at first.
We covered this LB in our work book and I recognize it now for what it is and have to remember our agreed upon plan to eliminate it, which is to respectfully inform the other and safely discuss a resolution. Thanks!

We have been working very hard on our MR over the last month and we are finished with the LB portion of the 5 Steps to Romantic Love work book.

What I have come to understand through this and from some of you great posters is I want my DW to thrive and not wither being married to me.

We always say around here that there are always reasons but never an excuses. Believe me I gave my DW plenty of reasons over the past 31 years.

In our working together on MR we have been able to identify many of our past problems and have a plan to eliminate them.

We are averaging 20 + hours of UA and it has made such a difference. It has truly become the best part of our week.

I have been doing a lot of mirror gazing over the last year and a half but really intently over this past month. You know working on my side of the street.

The saddest revelation was how my DW says she still deals with the shame and guilt.

What is so sad about that is the realization that I was such a poor husband to her, I know it was her decision to actually have her A. I have to change the only one in this marriage I can change... ME!

Starting with the rule of care, I am not going to be the cause of my W unhappiness. I didn't think about how painful posting on here might be for her.

I have gotten so much help for you all and will stay but I am not going to demand DW do the same.

I still have a few issues and E=Mailed the radio program.

Since we are getting into EN's in the workbook and have finished

the section on affection and are starting the section on SF I

might not post for another month!

You know just to be sure I get it right!