Hello. My wife cheated on me. She's been having the affair about 3 months. She originally wanted to work things out- she was willing to get counseling, willing to try and save our marriage. She told me about two weeks ago she wanted a divorce, she was wrong to ever say she wanted to work things out, that her mind was made up, and that she was moving out. I have shown her nothing but grace and love throughout it all. I have forgiven her for the initial cheating. I have explained to her that I value my marriage too much to let it go because of this. Since she moved out, she hasn't changed her mind. She also has been seeing the guy she's been cheating on. He is a guy from work.
Prior to all this, we were married in July of this last year. Hadn't even made it to our 1 year anniversary yet. About 3-4 months ago our communication started to suffer. She had needs that weren't being met, and so did I. We unfortunately gave up on trying to talk about some of those things because they'd end up in a big fight. But in all honesty, our marriage wasn't bad, it just wasn't great. Hindsight is 20/20 and there's a lot I would do differently, but nevertheless, that's the past, and it is what it is. Then she switched to a new job location in late January. I guess she started talking to this guy, most likely on an innocent level, until she eventually fell in love with him and slept with him, more than once. She kept it from me, and I found out by looking at her phone one day. I saw the messages between them telling each other I love you. Yeah, right. true love after 2 months of knowing someone, while you are married
Now we are where we are. We live in TN, but are originally from PA. I'll be moving home in about 2 weeks, and she wants to stay here in TN. I'm moving home because I have no family here, no support system- and I don't want to go through this alone. It's too late for me to stay in TN at this point. I just don't know what to do anymore. She says her mind is made up, that she wants this divorce. I certainly do not. I meant it when I told her 'to death do us part' regardless of her commitment, I made my own commitment before the Lord. I understand I can't change her, and I can't stop it if she wants a divorce, but I absolutely hate it. And ever since she moved out, it seems like it's been that much easier for her to accept what she's doing. She knows it's wrong, but I think she's just running as fast as she can away from our marriage because then she won't have to deal with what she did. She's given up, because it's much easier for her to give up than to try and work through it. I feel like I've said all I can say, and done all I can do... and I just don't know what to do from this point.

I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

I took the liberty of separating your post into paragraphs to make it easier to read.

You should have your thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. Just click the "Notify" button.

Do you have any children?
How OLD are you both?

No children. I don't know what you mean by "how are we". I'm surviving, and I have no idea how she is truly doing, because she doesn't communicate much with me on any real level besides letting me know when she's coming to pick up her stuff.
I put it here because of the divorce. As crazy as this sounds, I'm kinda over the affair part. When I forgave her, I feel the Lord brought a level of healing to me that only He can do.
The divorce part is what's been killing me. Feeling so completely powerless. When she had the affair, it sucked. Big time. It tore me up. But we were still together. She still lived with me. We could still talk about things, and try and work through things. Now, I'm more or less alone in this, and there's nothing holding her back from divorcing me.

I'm so sorry. I meant to ask "How OLD are you both?"

MB is not about marriage at all costs. Many people choose to save their marriage because there is a logic to it. For example, children or a long history together.

Since you have neither, there doesn't seem to be much to save here.

Forgiving an affair is a big mistake. It sounds very Christian but actually it robs the person of the opportunity to pay Just Compensation to the victim of their crime.

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

I don't know who moved the thread, but I was looking for help with the divorce prospect... not with the affair part of it. I'm trying to put my marriage before the affair at this point, not the other way around

yes, the affair has been exposed. I disagree regarding the forgiveness aspect. There is a very, VERY large difference between forgiveness and condoning one's actions. To me, forgiveness is very, very important. I don't know how one can rebuild any marriage without forgiveness. I am 24, she is 23. I realize there isn't too much to keep us together, since there is no kids, no real assets. But I also disagree- When I said "I do", I meant it. I take the commitment of marriage very seriously. I knew, and told her going into this, that if this ever happened, if she was willing, I'd give it my best to try and work through it. I meant that too.
I understand this isn't about 'saving the marriage at any cost', but I value my marriage too much to give up on it without giving it my best.

Regarding forgiveness, I guess I see it this way... if I didn't forgive her, she still would have moved out. She would still be running, and she probably wouldn't care if she was forgiven or not. I, however, would most likely be holding onto a lot more rage, anger, disappointment, and other feelings that are unhealthy to hold on to. Besides, the ultimate goal of my life is to live like Christ, as much as I can. Who am I to not forgive, and yet claim forgiveness for myself?

mcc. God does not give us unconditional forgiveness. His condition is that we confess our sin and ask forgiveness. His condition is that we repent and turn from our wicked ways. Forgiveness and reconciliation usually go hand in hand. You can "forgive" without reconciliation, but really it is more like freeing yourself of anger and bitterness.

Jesus gave a procedure for dealing with sin in the bible. 1. Talk to your brother. 2. Take a friend and talk with your brother. 3. Take your brother to the church. 4. If that brother is still unrepentant let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Matthew 18. That is pretty much the way of Marriage Builders. It is very much in line with God's word.

mccula,

I'm sorry for the actions of your WW that brought you here. You have been dealt a blow that exceeds anything else you are likely to endure in your life.

That said, I'm confused. What do you want from us? Advice on fighting the affair? (Not really possible from Pennsylvania.) Advice on contesting (or at least successfully negotiating) the divorce? Advice on you own healing post-divorce?

Make your interests clear, so we know what assets to bring to bear.

If you want to remain married your best hope is to read about Plan A and do it.
If you move out of state then you can't.

i guess I'm looking for advice on how to continue throughout the storm. I love her, I want to heal this, but at the same time I know I can't change her... we can only change ourselves.
I feel like on some level I'm giving up. But on another level, I feel like I've done all I can. I guess the biggest help I need is healing through this. How do I deal with the anger when I do feel it? How do I continue to show her love while she continues to hurt me? My pastor says I should continue to try and leave the lines of communication open, mostly because it is still so early in all of this. I just feel so lost at this time.

mcc. I'll leave you to the vets, but I will say this. You have to decide now whether you want to fight for your marriage or not. You can't just "continue through the storm" and hope for the best. You need a plan. That plan will be based on what you decide to do, to fight for your marriage or to walk away.

Have you read the Start here thread at the top of the forum? Please do. I know what it feels like to be lost after the pain of infidelity. Having a plan helps you not to feel that way.

Good luck.

Have you read this?

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

yes i have read it, it seems like i've already tried most of plan a, but as someone said, i won't be able to do that when I move to PA. I couldn't really continue to do it after she left the house, though, either. Initially she told me she was willing to leave her job and never see the lover again. Unfortunately she never quit her job, she just continued to see the lover, even after she called him in front of me and told him she was ending things and trying to restore her marriage, and even after I confronted him with grace and told him what they had was a mistake and that we were going to work out our marriage.

I guess at this point I should be beginning plan B. She's coming to get the rest of her stuff out on monday. I will remind her that I do love her, and care for her, and I do want this marriage to work, but will tell her that we cannot talk to each other at all while she is seeing this boy, and the only thing I really want to talk about is restoring our marriage. I'll leave the ball in her court. Maybe I can convince her to delay the divorce for a set amount of time, like 6 months, so that she isn't divorcing me while she's in the comfortable arms of her lover.

Generally Dr Harley encourages men to stay in plan A.
But you have to be in plan A or B.
You can still plan A from a distance but it's more difficult.

Regarding the moving do NOT help her move.

Do not argue with her or beg her to remain or delay divorce.

Just say "I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where Both of our needs are met"

I suggest you plan A until divorce, then plan B

mccula, I do know that Dr Harley is not very much in favour of Plan B for men.

As people keep telling you, you need to decide whether to fight for your marriage and if not, you need to walk away. If you decide to fight for it, you have made a major strategic mistake by planning to move away. I realise that she had already moved out, but moving away yourself just increases the emotional as well as the physical distance between you, and gives her the clear impression that you have given up on the marriage.

Dr Harley argues that men who want to fight for their marriages should enter Plan A for quite a long time. In almost all cases, an affair will fizzle out on its own accord. You need to position yourself as the better man throughout the affair, and when your wife remembers your kindness towards her she will be much more likely to go back to you when the affair is over. She will be heartened when she sees that you stood by her when OM Scumbag tired of the free sex that was on offer and went elsewhere.

Moving away and, even worse, doing Plan B is giving her exactly the message that she wants; that it is okay for her to walk away and that you are accepting of the end of your marriage.

There may not be much you can do now that she has moved out, without children, to do an effective Plan A, but doing what little you can do to send the message that you are still here for her and still care for her wellbeing and do not want to see her get hurt by OM will be better than cutting off contact with her.

Has this affair been exposed at their workplace? What do you know about OM? Is he married, or with a girlfriend? I'd be surprised if he isn't. You need to expose the affair at work, and also try to establish his relationship status and expose to his partner. If he is attached, there is every chance that he will drop your wife because she is too much trouble for someone who only wanted some nookie on the side.

You should also call his parents and grandparents ask them to speak to him and end his affair with your wife

You have 7 posts. It's not time for Plan B!

yes, I have exposed the affair in their workplace. The problem I encountered with the exposure is her boss's reaction to it was to "warn her that I was telling people what was going on", her family's response was that "this is personal and I didn't need to make it public" (even though I only messaged about 4 people; her closest friends and her boss, since those friends were witness to our wedding.)
I would love to contact the OM's parents/family, but I have no way of finding them. I have searched his last name to no avail.
I don't understand how I should continue plan A, with her having moved out and more or less cut communication.

She is also very upset that I tried to get her to move her stuff out in one day, rather than having her continue to take some stuff one day, some more stuff the next, and continuing to cause me more pain every time I see her. I told her I would pack her stuff up for her (she moved out about 2 weeks ago) and she can come get it, she said no; she was tired (it was only 7 oclock PM), I told her I'd put it outside for her. She flipped, called her dad, who in turn called me and more or less screamed at me that "you really don't want to go down this road, don't make this ugly," etc; meanwhile, all I can say is are you kidding me? I've been more than gracious throughout this whole process, I even offered to help her move her stuff, I just don't want to continue to see her while she's seeing this other man, and I want her stuff out... and I'm the bad guy here?

The father also flipped because I "told everyone" which he says was "unnecessary" and that "you said you wouldn't do that" (I told him I wouldn't POST it on facebook for everyone to see, or drag her name through the dirt, which I did not) and that this is "personal" and "nobody else needs to know about it." I'm sorry, but she did the wrong here, and she doesn't have the luxury of telling me who I can and can't reveal her dirty little secret too. If she loves this guy enough to ruin our marriage because of him, she should be proud to tell people. My wife says she's upset because she "was going to let people know in her own time"; yeah, right. She also told me previously she told her dad what happened. Her dad told me when I told him of the affair that's the first he heard of it.

But her family is NOT believers, her dad has cheated on her mom in the past, and her mom and dad divorced when she was in high school. Her sister thinks I'm "reaching out and trying to grab onto anything to save my marriage" and that "she doesn't want to get in the middle of it", that I need to let her "make her own decisions", etc etc, (I have seen through this that her family more or less could give two craps about our marriage) so unfortunately, the exposure probably hurt my side of this more than hers, since her family is more or less taking her side but pretending they don't condone her actions.

You write about other peoples responses.

Do you have any questions about to how to improve your Plan A?