Hello All,

Just under a month ago I discovered that my fiance has been having an affair with another woman. We are long distance and have been together for 7 years. I am a significant number of years younger than him (I'm in my mid twenties and he is 40).

I learned that he has been seeing a woman for 6 months when I went to visit him. Based on what she has stated and what he has told me, they have not had sex; it has been an emotional affair of sorts. He agreed to end it and said he sent her a goodbye email but last Saturday I couldn't reach him for hours and called the affair partner's phone. When she answered I heard his voice in the background and later learned that he spent the day helping her move into a new apartment. He says he was just keeping his word. On Monday he forwarded emails he sent her ending things to me but I doubted that they had actually been sent. However, after he "sent" them she began texting me, after me having contacted her many times, and she stated that she was through with him but then stated that they were never involved - she made several contradictory statements like this throughout her text and also called me a b-tch several times so I don't know what her angle was. However, today my fiancee told me that the affair partner emailed him asking him to meet her for a hand off of some tools that he left at her place.

My fiance said he plans to use the contact to allow me to physically see him send her an email reiterating his disinterest in being in contact her ever again and explaining that she can keep the tools. I'm happy that he voluntarily told me she contacted him and that he is working to make sure I see him officially tell her that the affair is over. I'm concerned though that this meetup request from her is a last ditch effort to get him back and since I am in another state I wonder how long my fiance will be able to stay on the road to moving forward.

The affair partner told me several inconsistent stories during our text messaging but the only one that bothered me was when she mentioned that my fiance stated that he wanted her and not me. Should I hold on to this? He says he never told her that but that he didn't make her think he didn't because he wanted to keep her around. He has stated repeatedly that he never intended to leave me for her. Do cheater says things to the other person like that and not mean them?

What should I ask him to say in the email to her before we send it?

OW is not your problem.
Your cheating boyfriend is your problem.
He's a liar and a sneak.
Not exactly a great catch.

Dump him.

Welcome to MB.

We say that dating is an interview for marriage. He failed the interview.

Why do you want to Marry him? You're young. Move on dear and leave him.

Do you have any children? Together?

Why are you separated?

This means, this dude was dating you while you were still a teenager, correct?

You need to gain a lot more experience in the world.

Date other men who don't treat you this badly.

Please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I guess I'm struggling because when we started premarital counseling he wasn't cheating and our therapist said that I had emotionally checked out and was keeping us in limbo for years. He was really upset that I wouldn't fully committ or make a decision about being with him so while he was wrong I know exactly how we got here. I left emotionally so he sought it out.

Dr. Harley would tell you to date at least 30 men.

Sweetie. He's still a liar and a cheat.

My daughter is about your age .... if a dude did this to her .... watch out for mama-bear.

What do your parents have to say about this?
Tell them everything.

Yes, I was in my teens. I do feel I need more experience. Will say that he was big on not stealing my youth so I've lived abroad completed college and grad school and pursued all my dreams with his full support during our relationship.

Anony, did you graduate from college? Do you have a career?

I see you answered my question while I was posting.

Dream big.
Dream beyond this man.

Will look into that, thank you.

You're probably right. I told my mom and she wants me tokeave him.

That's why you will find someone worthy of your worth. Your fiance does not deserve you.

You deserve so much better.

Please read.
Preparing for Marriage

Your mom sounds wise.

Moms know best.

x 1000

Be grateful that you know this BEFORE the wedding and children. Do not sign up for this sort of heartache when you have PROOF of how he is willing to treat you. Sorry for your pain but I would walk and cut my losses.

ETA: And it it HIGHLY likely there is sex involved. I would trust this being an EA as far as I could throw a house.

You will have a broken heart for awhile.
It hurts like hell, but it will get better. And, you'll get smarter with this experience.

That therapist is an idiot.
You were a teenager for most of those years !!!
Teenagers are not yet fully brain developed.

I hope you did not pay any money to listen to that horse manure.

EDIT TO ADD:
There is nothing wrong with you that a break from this dude won't repair.

You can do much, much better than this, dear. You can find someone who doesn't cheat and lie. You can find someone local [versus long distance] with whom you are not emotionally checked out. You should find someone you are emotionally ATTACHED TO. That is the person you should choose to marry.

Dating is a job interview for marriage and this interview has failed on many levels.

I was 23 when we saw her and she is my personal therapist so she tends to veer toward what is best for me but she was right. I was pretty immature and I counted on the fact that he loved me more than I loved him. During session he'd be practically begging me to committ and I wouldnt because i thought I might be missing out on something else.

Thank you Melody, I'm really considering ending it but I know I had a role