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My wife and I have read Dr. Harleys books and my wife will agree to follow POJA and how to handle complaints but once it comes time to do it she will not follow what she has agreed to. We can even discuss and agree to something and she will change her mind and do what she wants.
At this point I don't even want to discuss anything since even if we work it out she will do what she wants in the end. I am basically staying till our kids grow up.
Guess I am looking for any ideas of how to stick it out.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Guess I am looking for any ideas of how to stick it out. See your doctor and ask him to prescribe antidepressants. Start listening to Marriage Builders radio daily: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=12You will discover what you are missing and why it's not working, and what to do until it works.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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My wife and I have read Dr. Harleys books and my wife will agree to follow POJA and how to handle complaints but once it comes time to do it she will not follow what she has agreed to. Dr. Harley says that when people agree to something but don't follow through, it's a sign they weren't really enthusiastic about the agreement in the first place. So in that case, you need to negotiate again and find a DIFFERENT solution, one that your wife is enthusiastic about. What is it that you are wanting your wife to do?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Are you dating your wife? You need to be dating her for a minimum of fifteen hours a week. Dr. Harley will not even counsel couples who want to skip this step; Marriage Builders does not work without it. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.htmllink 2
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: May 2013
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Typically we don't have the opportunity to renegotiate because she goes ahead and does what she had decided. I usually find out after she has already done something else.
Her most important EN was Financial Security and I have worked hard to provide that. She has been a stay at home Mom for 13 years while I worked to provide the house and lifestyle she wanted. He other major EN was recreational companionship but she would not work to make time for that.
As far as what I want her to follow through. She has agreed to follow Harley 8 or 9 times but as soon as she doesn't follow through on POJA and I point it out, she says she wants to quit. One time she said she would only agree to follow the parts that she wanted to do and not POJA.
I am really at a loss.
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When I am working we only have nights and weekends. Our children are early teens and I assigned them tasks such as dishes and cleaning up the table so we could spend time together at night. She agreed but then felt it was too much to ask them to do so it makes it difficult to spend time together.
Last edited by givnup; 05/10/13 05:35 PM.
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Joined: May 2013
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Guess I am looking for any ideas of how to stick it out. See your doctor and ask him to prescribe antidepressants. Start listening to Marriage Builders radio daily: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=12You will discover what you are missing and why it's not working, and what to do until it works. We listened to MB radio and had a subscription. If it was related to something she needed to work on we would end up arguing about it. I suggested we both pick ones to have the other one listen to that we thought were areas they needed to address; that didn't work since she would disagree that she needed to work on those areas or that she was trying.
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Typically we don't have the opportunity to renegotiate because she goes ahead and does what she had decided. I usually find out after she has already done something else.
Her most important EN was Financial Security and I have worked hard to provide that. She has been a stay at home Mom for 13 years while I worked to provide the house and lifestyle she wanted. He other major EN was recreational companionship but she would not work to make time for that.
As far as what I want her to follow through. She has agreed to follow Harley 8 or 9 times but as soon as she doesn't follow through on POJA and I point it out, she says she wants to quit. One time she said she would only agree to follow the parts that she wanted to do and not POJA.
I am really at a loss. Can you do the online program? So you could have a coach to guide you? Or call the MB coaching center?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2013
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Typically we don't have the opportunity to renegotiate because she goes ahead and does what she had decided. I usually find out after she has already done something else.
Her most important EN was Financial Security and I have worked hard to provide that. She has been a stay at home Mom for 13 years while I worked to provide the house and lifestyle she wanted. He other major EN was recreational companionship but she would not work to make time for that.
As far as what I want her to follow through. She has agreed to follow Harley 8 or 9 times but as soon as she doesn't follow through on POJA and I point it out, she says she wants to quit. One time she said she would only agree to follow the parts that she wanted to do and not POJA.
I am really at a loss. Can you do the online program? So you could have a coach to guide you? Or call the MB coaching center? Does the coaching really help? My wife knows what to do but just won't do it.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Typically we don't have the opportunity to renegotiate because she goes ahead and does what she had decided. I usually find out after she has already done something else.
Her most important EN was Financial Security and I have worked hard to provide that. She has been a stay at home Mom for 13 years while I worked to provide the house and lifestyle she wanted. He other major EN was recreational companionship but she would not work to make time for that.
As far as what I want her to follow through. She has agreed to follow Harley 8 or 9 times but as soon as she doesn't follow through on POJA and I point it out, she says she wants to quit. One time she said she would only agree to follow the parts that she wanted to do and not POJA.
I am really at a loss. Can you do the online program? So you could have a coach to guide you? Or call the MB coaching center? Does the coaching really help? My wife knows what to do but just won't do it. Yes it does. Steve is known to be very good to get reluctant spouses involved.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Coaching gives you someone to keep you accountable. So next time u talk to them you can update them on your homework progress.
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Does the coaching really help? My wife knows what to do but just won't do it. The coaching can make all the difference sometimes. I would get an appointment with Dr Harley's daughter, Dr Jennifer Chalmers and see if she can get through to your wife. The problem is that your wife sees no point in all this because she does not understand how it would benefit her. People buy things when they see a perceived benefit. Dr Chalmers could sell the prospect of having a happy, passionate marriage to your wife. She was able to get through to MrAlias' wife after his 10 years of do-it-yourself didn't work. I think Dr Chalmers charges $200 a session and it is worth every penny. If you can just motivate your wife, you could implement the program on your own.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Since his wife is the reluctant one, he should probably ask for Dr Chalmers since she is a woman.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Since his wife is the reluctant one, he should probably ask for Dr Chalmers since she is a woman. True that. I would go with Dr. Chalmers.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I agree. Having a coach enabled my H and I to get "un-stuck". Having an outside expert look and comment on what we were doing made all the difference.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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One of the biggest explanations my W received from Dr J was the differences in the two types of resentment. It was something she must have really never understood or thought of. Yet in a 30 second conversation with Dr J it rang true for my W. She got it and now believes it.
givnup you seem to have a passive aggressive wife or one that doesn't understand what IB does to a M. An accountability coach and a coach that helps explain why all the pieces of this program are essential will be EXTREMELY helpful for you and your M.
Last week Dr. Harley had a great broadcast on passive agressive people and why they do what they do. If someone could post a link to the broadcast for this poster I think it would prove quite helpful.
Last edited by MrAlias; 05/13/13 08:18 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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givnup,
It's been a very long time since you've posted. I empathize that you haven't been able to turn things around in your M. Can you tell us what, if anything, you've done in the last 3+ years to change the dynamics of your R?
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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