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OP
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Not ready for that at all.
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During session he'd be practically begging me to committ and I wouldnt because i thought I might be missing out on something else. You're correct. You were not ready. Good instincts.
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Joined: May 2013
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OP
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He always says he doesn't deserve me. Does it matter that I started an EA after I suspected that he had?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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He always says he doesn't deserve me. Does it matter that I started an EA after I suspected that he had? No. You are not ready to marry anyone. And, that's OK! Date. Date a lot. Have fun. Mature. You can get married in 4-5 years.
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OP
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I guess I want to marry him because he's always been my best friend and supporter. He gave me independence and was always willing to go without to see me taken care of. We don't have kids, in fact - believe it or not I'm waiting until marriage. He's never pressured me to have sex and has always supported my decision. Which is why I was shocked when the OW said he wouldn't have sex with her.
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OP
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When I asked him why he didn't have sex with her, he said because he's waiting for me and only wanted female company that wasn't antagonistic and she was that.
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OP
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Yeah, I'm preparing to get a terminal degree and I don't think I'm prepared for marriage. I feel like I need to work on my self worth because my therapist says I don't know how valuable I am.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Yeah, I'm preparing to get a terminal degree and I don't think I'm prepared for marriage. I feel like I need to work on my self worth because my therapist says I don't know how valuable I am. Ok, so you've had your mom and your therapist and many anonymous, wise women on MB tell you to break up with him. So will you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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I guess I want to marry him because he's always been my best friend and supporter. You want a best friend and supporter who lies, cheats and deceives you? You have an EA on your best friend and support? You are not ready for marriage. Marriage right now and with this guy will be a total disaster.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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OP
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I don't know. I'm afraid to but I feel relief thinking of never having to worry about lies again. He said if I leave him we can't be friends and I see him as my advisor and constant. Sometimes I tell him he's been like a father figure. He also had a bit of a temper and that concerns me too. He was married when I met him, I had no idea, and he divorced her so he always says he's given more to me than anyone andwill hate me.I just feel bad because for years he wasn't cheating and I wouldn't committ so he's not evil but this situation is causing me to be anxious 24/7
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OP
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True. I don't want marriage right away. He wants us to go to therapy and see if we can salvage this.
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I don't know. I'm afraid to but I feel relief thinking of never having to worry about lies again. He said if I leave him we can't be friends and I see him as my advisor and constant. Sometimes I tell him he's been like a father figure. He also had a bit of a temper and that concerns me too. He was married when I met him, I had no idea, and he divorced her so he always says he's given more to me than anyone andwill hate me.I just feel bad because for years he wasn't cheating and I wouldn't committ so he's not evil but this situation is causing me to be anxious 24/7 He cheated on his XW and see what he's doing with you? Do you see a pattern?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I do. I guess I dont get what I'm giving him because he's never slept with me.
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He was married when I met him, I had no idea His willingness to deceive you started day one. He's quite manipulative. he divorced her so he always says he's given more to me than anyone This is a manipulative hook. Trying to guilt you into staying with him when, in the deepest part of your soul, you know you don't really want to. I just feel bad because for years he wasn't cheating and I wouldn't commit Irrelevant. He is not the right man for you. That is the only reason you need to give, as you say "Good-bye".
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Probably he is not. He is the wrong man for you. You already know this.
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Joined: May 2013
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OP
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I know you are right. I guess I make a lot of excuses and hope he'll change.
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I do. I guess I dont get what I'm giving him because he's never slept with me. A woman he can continue to manipulate, sorry.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Please leave him before he manipulates you MORE. You need to break free of him.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I guess I'm struggling because when we started premarital counseling he wasn't cheating and our therapist said that I had emotionally checked out and was keeping us in limbo for years. He was really upset that I wouldn't fully committ or make a decision about being with him so while he was wrong I know exactly how we got here. I left emotionally so he sought it out. He sought it out. Hmm. I guess I'm okay with him seeking out women to meet as potential partners. I'm not okay with the fact that he didn't share his decision with you. In other words, he had some concerns about his relationship with you, but chose to be with another woman instead of working on those concerns with you. He has the hallmarks of being bad marriage material. My suggestion would be to exit this relationship and find someone else who is open to the concept of being honest with you. As far as your premarital counselor? Please understand that there are therapists will find "something" that requires you to go to counselling. Just something to keep in mind if you plan to depend on therapists to tell you about yourself. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Oct 2009
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I was 23 when we saw her and she is my personal therapist so she tends to veer toward what is best for me but she was right. I was pretty immature and I counted on the fact that he loved me more than I loved him. During session he'd be practically begging me to committ and I wouldnt because i thought I might be missing out on something else. May I ask why, at the tender age of 23, you have a personal therapist?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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