Hi there MB,
I for the life of me could not figure out how to get on my old account as the password reset would not work. So I made this new account.

Here is a link to my old username/thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2596162&page=15

Obviously a lot has unfolded. I went through with the Divorce and xwh and I have been talking this past week of trying to reconcile again. I may very well be half crazy to consider and I am here one last time for some good advice on what to do and where to go from here.

One thing I am not sure I had mentioned in my previous thread was that on a handful of times the xwh had been physically violent. This occured mostly in the beginning of the marriage and for whatever reason it caused me to shut down alot in the marriage. I fear that those issues (the anger and physical violence) may be the root of the issues we had and eventually led to the affair. I went through a couple months of counseling during my divorce to help me with those issues. I know that dr. harley advises against reconciling if there is violence doesn't he? I am not sure and I would like to know what advice I should take as it seems there are some experts that believe that the violence can be deterred. As I mentioned it was only a handful of times and not constant nor life threatening.

So what should I do? I have told the xwh I would think about reconciling and look into ways to begin the process.

He says he is willing to do the work this time around, so going through this would essentially be like completely beginning again.

Fwiw we live separately thought a mile apart and have now since july been physically living apart.


I am going through a local divorce care support group now. I am working on moving on with my life, I have enrolled in grad classes to get my teachers license and start classes in 5 weeks. I have branched out and have become more social, getting to know others in my town, I work a nursery school job on sundays which brings in a little cash, is helping me build my resume and has brought some potential new friends into my life. I am currently living on spousal/child support as my job searching proved unfruitful, which is why i am enrolled in college.

I briefly tried dating someone just after my divorce and that ended strange and badly, but i KNOW now is not the time for dating and since have given up on that venture until i become more self sufficient and decide if my relationship is worth saving with the now xwh.

Well any questions or comments greatly appreciated.

In other words, Ex-H has not begun to get help with anger management. Am I correct?

That is usually Dr. Harley's response to an abusive situation.
The abuser needs to be actively getting help and already doing that part before you consider any intimacy.

5 times?
What exactly did he do? Specifically describe the violence.
How often was he menacing? Threatening? Verbally abusive? Name calling? Sulking?

once he pulled my hair, once he slapped me, once he punched me in the face (that was at the beginning of the marriage, in the first 9 months) and what broke me i would say. It was always because of a confrontation, the worse was when we were fighting about his gambling issues.

FOR years nothing physically,, though there was some emotional abuse, he would yell and throw things some, but when I found out about his affair i threw his phone and he slapped me, he also put his hands around my neck a couple times during the divorce process.

Anger management, yes, i have asked him for a long time to get help for that. I have even suggested i go as well as I do get angry easily (I yell a lot when angry)

My advice?
Him?
So not worth your time & effort.
Close & lock your love bank & throw away the key.

Thanks for being so honest with your descriptions.
That is/was & will be very important for you.
Be honest.

Edit to add:
Plan B, my friend. Plan B.
Do not see him.
Do not hear him.
Do not read him.
100% cut off from your life.

Let's see who disagrees with me.
Clock is ticking ....

Agreed.

This is an awful lot to overcome. In addition to the violence and the gambling addiction, I briefly looked at your SAA thread and saw that during and after the A, he came back to you hat in hand, promising to make changes several times and then kept on hurting you outside of the original affair.

If you go into Plan B, you will start to emotionally detach from your xWH and you will be able to see the situation more clearly.

It won't be me! Divorce is the measure of success in this case!

He probably is not up to being the man you would need him to be to make it worthwhile.

You can simply tell him that time will tell and lots and lots of time.

If he gets mad at that comment.......well......you got your answer.

If he dumps you to find a woman who is willing to take him as he is now...you got your answer.

If he, miraculously becomes a stand up guy who shows by actions that he is changed for the very much better (and you have to observe this over more than a year), and seeks help to be better on his own (not prompted by you), watch, watch and watch some more while you continue to live your own life.

Don't fool yourself though and jump into a nightmare again. Don't. Not if you love yourself.

Go to your kitchen counter, clear a spot and bang your head there forcefully, 10 times. Now, that headache your feeling should remind you of what you left behind and whats in store if you return there.

You can/will do so much better when your self-sufficient. Set your goals and push through to them.

Definitly plan B too. That will help you recover and become the best person you can be.

he pulled my hair



he slapped me




he punched me in the face




Divorcing him was SMART.
Stay smart.

Are you still there? Can you give us an update?

Yes I am here, I have been super busy the past few weeks. I am not back with xwh. I asked him to work on the same things as when we were married and he is not making the effort. I suppose it is normal to have the urge to want to give it another shot even with a rocky marriage, especially this soon out. We are not in communication much except regarding the kids and their schedule. I am starting grad school in a week and a half and that will be my focus for half the summer so I must stay away from any drama and me+xwh=drama..

Will you get an IM?

You're right, it's normal to feel the urge to give it just one more shot, but that doesn't mean that's the healthy thing to do. Good for you that you did some things for your life instead. Don't be surprised that those thoughts of maybe trying one more time may happen again. They become less often and less intense as you grow in your new lifestyle.

Just a mini update that I got 3 A's for summer classes! Start 3 fall classes on the 19th!

Xdh and I are getting to a much better place and working on coparenting. This summer has been pretty decent. His work picks up a lot in the summer which means I have had the kids way more than expected. At this point I cannot plan B him, it is just not feasible with his unpredictable work schedule. I know it would be in the best interest for me to plan B, but I have 0 support system and do not have anyone to even be a intermediary for child exchanges and for me it is more important for my kids to have a relationship with their father and with that means I have to sacrifice and be open to 1-2 spontaneous visits with their dad a week in addition to his regular day, it is actually written in our divorce decree that way, there is no specified day of the week he has, only that he gets him 1 weekday/night a week whatever his day off is and 1-2 other evenings a week and everyother saturday. While he was not a steller husband and during the divorce he and I both acted immaturely he is a good father and has really done a big turn around in that area. He, unlike many, never fought me on support and pays me spousal/child support every month and goes above and beyond to provide for the kids financially.

So I am trying to come to peace with all that. I feel like I am doing well. I know we cannot ever be together again. I hope he works on himself, for himself and the children,, but I know that he will not ever be the man I need him to be. That ship has sailed.

Can you parallel parenting instead of co-parenting?

Parallel Parenting

How long are you supposed to just allow him to have spontaneous visitation? Can you have this amended? Why wouldn't the courts write specific days for visitations? If ever you're unavailable what can happen to you?

To me this sounds like you could be set up for some future problems.???

It is because of his work schedule. I have fought hard to keep the 1 overnight the same. You see, I was married to a workaholic. He always puts work first. And he always blames me. Now he must work at this job because he must pay me child and spousal support. Nevermind the fact he pays me 30K a year and he is making over 150K a year and just bought a 3rd vehicle in cash. He claims once he has to stop paying me spousal support he is going to go to 9-5 type job but I will be surprised if he does. Since we met he has always worked at least 50 60 hour or more work weeks, whether it was to make 11$ an hour or makng 6 figures. It is all he knows how to do is work and everyone around him suffers for it. He buys the kids with gifts now as well. I am going to read up on the parallel parenting tips...

Unfortunately for me, my son is stellar at school. Last year he was student of the week 3 times and is very well behaved, probably the most well behaved boy in his class. He has gotten compliments from the children's pastor and the volunteers at church for being so good. My only concern for him is his difficulty being sociable, but that has always been his personality, he is an introvert and doesn't make friends easily, he is like me...I worry about that as here I am divorced with no support system IRL, and it sucks. I have been trying for months to reconnect with old friends/family and make new ones and it is slow going as an adult. I don't want to force him into the siuations, but I don't like him sitting about the home so much engrossed in tv and video games. Xwh was never the all american dad, he is not american and father role is not the same. He does not have 'time' to do any sports with him, so that was never developed. Ds has only tried sports because I have geared him that way but I am not athletic and with a 2 year old I cannot help him practice much. I briefly have thought of paying a teen boy to be like a 'big brother' to ds, for I fear he does not have enough healthy male role models. He latched on to one of the fathers at a single parenting event so much it sent off many alarm bells, he is starved for fatherly attention. I think he loses himself in games and tv because of it. For fall I have him signed up for swimming and found a lego club once a month at the library I am going to have him try. I want him to find his niche and it breaks my heart that many times I do feel him may be depressed...