Hey all,
I am looking to see if you know of any MB friendly counselors in the virginia beach area. My wife and I have gone through 2 different christian counseling places, one of which was a psychotherapist and both were a terrible waste of money and no help. We have gotten way more from reading Dr Hartleys books and just talking with friends. We still would like to be able to get counseling, but are tired of wasting our money and time so any help would be great. Thanks

I would go straight to the horses mouth like most of us in recovered marriages have done. That can be done 2 ways: signing up for the online program. You are assigned a coach who takes you through the lessons. You have access to Dr Harley on his private forum in case you have questions/concerns. This is what my H and I did. The cost is about $1000 and it takes about a year to go through all the lessons.

For tougher cases where motivation is a problem, you can get phone counseling with Dr Harleys children, Dr Jennifer Chalmers or Steve Harley.

If you are both motivated and disciplined, you might be able to do this by yourself with the books, radio and the help of the forum. Those of us who have been through the courses can help you.

What exactly are you trying to achieve though counseling? If I had a better idea of the issue, I could tell you which route to take.

Are you asking us for more advice that you will ignore? Did you take Dr Harley's advice? I spent a lot of time posting to you on your thread and see that all of that advice was ignored.

Actually I took all of the advice and put it to use. My wife and I read Dr. Hartleys book Surviving and Affair that he graciously sent us after I was on the air. We have been implementing it as well as his other books. Honestly it was that book that turned my wife around and got her motivated to cut off the affair. It was how we got to the restoration phase. I would love to do the online program, but we do not have $1000 to shell out. I could probably swing the 500 for the online accountability partner, or purchase the at home program, but the 1000 bucks would take some time to put together.

I ended up taking the job with better hours like Dr. Hartley suggested, but with it I took a hefty pay cut for the first few months. It's not a matter of if I think it's worth it, it's just not financially gonna work at this moment.

The reason we are looking is for someone is really for my wife. She is struggling with the emotions of cutting off of the affair and the guilt of destruction she caused in our marriage. She wants someone to go see who can help her with the initial emotional sadness of cutting off the affair and properly diagnose her and prescribe her some meds if needed. We can't seem to find anyone in the area who has half a brain to do this. It's only been about two weeks, so maybe she will get better with time, but it's she has been very sad and tired which is not like her at all.

She does have two accountability partners that have been helping her a lot, but they aren't professionals.

We can help her get over those feelings. If she will visit a physician and get on anti-deps, we can help her through the steps of withdrawal. The way to get over them is to go through the steps of creating a romantic, passionate marriage with you. We can help her in a way that will help your marriage rather than harm it.

Has she ended all contact with OM? Has she rid herself of any momentos, such as gifts, photos? Did she delete all avenues of contact, such as email, phone # and social networking? Something as simple as gawking at a facebook page will trigger her feelings so all that has to be eliminated.

Just so you know, individual counseling when there has been an affair is very destructive to marriages. This is because your typical IC will help her pursue individual desires that might not be in the best interest of your marriage. For example, the IC might suggest she try out the affair to see where it takes her. OR she might suggest that ending contact abruptly is too hard and suggest a tapering approach. OR perhaps a "trial separation" to see if she misses you. That type of advice is not uncommon.

A safer approach is to bring her here so we can help her.

She can go to her ob/gyn for AD's.

How much reading has she done here?

Wouldn't you spend that much for a counselor, anyway, after a few sessions?

You can go to any MD and get anti-depressants. I got them from mine a few months ago. Dr. Harley recommends Wellbutrin, for the minimal side effects (including minimal sexual side effects).

Here is Dr. Harley's article covering this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

She was put on Paxal by our Family Physician...we actually just found out today by a friend who's in med school that an initial side effect is that it makes you very tired. Would have been nice if the dr. told us that. The same friend said he didn't really agree with the diagnosis for paxal and thought wellbutrin was actually a better choice as well. I'll see about gettin it switched.

She has cut off or blocked all social media including FB, gmail, and instagram. His phone number is blocked too.

After she sent him a letter similar to what Dr. Harley suggested in Surviving and Affair asking for him to never contact her again and that she would never leave her family for him the OM actually deleted his FB page and blocked her from instagram, so there is no chance of her checking out his pictures at this point.

Markos our insurance covers the counseling so we only pay 50 per session, but neither one of them helped much so it was a wasted couple hundred bucks.

Jman, if you want to bring her here, just ask the mods to remove your old thread by clicking on "notify." Sometimes they will do that if you give them a good reason.

Oh and She has read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair as well as a few other books. She also has read a lot of the forums on this site...She also set up a meeting that we had last week with a Christian mentor couple that went through an affair 15 years ago. They use a 4 step process that is very similar to the ones that Dr. Harley uses to restore marriage. It went very well and she was extremely happy when we got done, but a day or so later she started getting sad again.

So she is motivated now and willing to put in the work, because she realized what she was going to lose, but from reading the books it looks like its gonna take 3-6 weeks of no contact before she starts experiencing any relief from the emotions of cutting off the affair. The hard part is knowing nothing I do at this point will help make her feel any better...it's a very helpless feeling and hard to watch.

It's nearly impossible to find a good counselor, because most of them suck. It's definitely impossible if you aren't able or willing to pay full cost yourself.

You could still easily spend $1000 on counseling or alternatives over the next several years, with nothing to show for it.

Fortunately you don't need a counselor to get antidepressants. I went to my medical doctor to get antidepressants a few months ago when things were bad. It was embarrassing to admit I couldn't keep my wits about me to do what needed to be done. BUT, my doctor had seen it before, and quite willingly prescribed something for me, and had apparently done so many times before. And he echoed exactly what I'd heard Dr. Harley say: that with a little bit of chemical help, I would be able to do what I needed to do. They were both right.

So, when you say there's nothing you can do to help your wife, you aren't quite correct: make her an appointment with her MD or obgyn, and take off work that day and go with her. Pass on the Wellbutrin suggestion.

My wife went for her yearly checkup with the dr. today and got her dosage doubled for paxal. At this point they said it would be best to stay on it for awhile longer to let it take effect. If it doesn't help she will switch meds.

I also am going to get the his needs her needs at home study program and start saving up for the online accountability program. I would love to get it now, but am still catching up on paying some taxes. Unfortunately the IRS doesn't care what is going on in your life..they want their money now.

Does marriage builders offer any online therapy? Or is that what the accountability program is?

Jman, yes that is what the online program is. If you take Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, you can probably make this program work all on your own with the help of the free radio show. And if you get stuck you can email Dr Harley on his radio show and get help for free. You don't have to go on the radio show, either.

Thanks Melody,

I think what my plan for now is to order what you suggested and book a week to get away. My parents offered for us to use their time share and to watch the kids. I think a week of just being together alone and doing these workbooks should help a lot. We realized we haven't had a kid free vacation in almost 5 years! Not good.