HFD, listen to Mel and Marital, please. They are giving you the gold-plated advice that you and HFM should take to heart.

I'll go so far as to say that I have NOTHING to add to enhance or supplement what those two colleagues are providing - and when was the last time you read THAT from NG?

I want to add that Markos and Prisca are giving him excellent ADVICE because none of this will EVER WORK if he is having ANY angry outbursts. That has to stop NOW if this is ever going to move forward.

And I will just tell you what Dr Harley told my husband. He told him he should get anger management coaching if he couldn't control his AO's. That is because nothing will work as long as he was having AO's.

He needs to be listening to all of us.

Read:
Lovebusters
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgements
Angry Outbursts
How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person (this article has a lot of advice on what to do when you are frustrated)

Here.
Anger Management 101

Kids out until 11:00, so I set up night out followed by a DVD at home. We have our favorite Greek food and we walk it off to a frozen yogurt place. Things going great despite the overhang of the 2 year anniversary of you-know-what. We don't even come close to discussing THE subject, of course. Off to a spectacular night of UA.

We rented the same trigger you rented. Then that scene and whammo the funk sets in. However, she knows and is very quick to shut it and we watch sports.

I feel your pain as I wanted to blame her for not knowing the plot of the movie.

Should have rented Guilty Trip with Barbara Streisand, a comedy.

We don't have any kindle or anything like that, so we'll need to order the book itself.

And will look into the home course. It dawned on me that the LB questionnaire is something we never did.

I feel that what happened Saturday with my "AO" is being mischaracterized a bit, becasue I feel that I didn't "explode" or anything, just left the room to do dishes when I was uncomfortable...and I eventually returned.

However, since I have had AOs, I guess I don't have much solid ground to stand on claiming this time or that time as an AO or not.

I am feeling a bit down becasue here I thought I was leading un in recovery, but maybe this whole time I've been too damaged to lead us the right way, and I want whats best for HFM and it seems I've been doing this wrong.

It seems maybe I'm not doing as well as I should be -- I have 1 or 2 thoughhts it seems stuck in my mind that I can't drive away and maybe it's hindering the recovery.

There are also a few LBs from HFM that I feel maybe I'm not expressing clearly enough for her to eliminate either? Ill need to focus on communicating that.

I think we have the self-discipline to do it right -- if we have the right plan and what it is exactly this should be looking like.

And sometimes I feel we're underestimating the power of UA time...which is difficult to come by right now.

Thanks everyone for your input.

HFD,

You can download a kindle reader to your PC or smartphone and get the book there. I haven't used my Kindle in a long time, but instead read Kindle books on my Iphone.

Viscountess

Not the home course, but the online course. You need a coach to guide you.
This program doesn't work without the UA step. When Dr Harley was in active practice he wouldn't even counsel a couple who wouldn't commit to this step.

Just as I suspected, hfd, you aren't even doing Marriage Builders. There is a very good reason why your marriage hasn't improved. And it is because you aren't using the program. NOT because you are "too damaged."

I don't know how to emphasize to you that having no plan for recovery is a plan to fail. YOU ARE FAILING.

Mel,

I'm sorry -- that's what I meant -- the course that offers the books plus the private coach. I called it by the wrong name.

I think we do need to address the UA time -- which I hope HFM will post about later as well.

I thought we WERE following the MB principles...maybe we need to rededicate ourselves to it, and or work effort needs to be greater.

Gotcha! Thanks for the clarification.

This was also true for my H and me. We struggled for a long time, thinking we were doing the program on our own. However, once we got a coach, the improvement was almost immediate. The outside guidance made a huge difference, especially in the elimination of lovebusters. H and I highly recommend it.

AM

If you want this marriage to recover, then you need to take it seriously when your wife says you have had an angry outburst (or any other love buster). She is giving you valuable information about things you are doing that are depleting your balance in her Love Bank. These events are the reason why your marriage is failing to recover.

Incidentally, she said your angry outburst was after you returned. It wasn't just the fact that you left the room to do dishes.

Most of us who have angry outbursts don't remember what happened, after the fact. Your wife is telling you what happened. If you want to say she is "mischaracterizing" it, then that's going to be yet another love bank withdrawal, because that's you being disrespectful toward her about her memory of what happened.

You know "too damaged to lead us the right way" sounds awfully psychobabbly. And "leading us in recovery" is a really dramatic statement, too, but it doesn't say anything at all about what to actually DO for recovery. Marriage Builders is really about DOing the right things, not about having the right enthusiasm. There are people who DO the right things every day, even though they don't believe it will work, and recover their marriages. (In fact, there are people who accidentally DO those things every day with people they are not married to and start an affair. It's all about what you DO, not what you believe or how committed or enthusiastic you are.)

In a sense it is really a simple thing to find out the right things to DO and to DO them. The questions I've asked earlier in this thread have exposed some holes in your Marriage Builders knowledge: you aren't doing some of the right things, because you don't even know about those things.

It is crucial that you: 1) get educated, MB-wise, and 2) take the actions Marriage Builders stipulates for your situation.

Please don't think of your situation as a "surviving an affair" situation. Your situation is a "bad marriage in the present" situation. The steps for recovery for you, so long as your wife is taking extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair, are going to be virtually the same as an identical marriage where no affair has occurred. You need to 1) eliminate love busters, and 2) build a romantic relationship.

I have suggested several action items for you in my posts so far in this thread, and I hope you're going to act on them. And I've asked several questions you indicated you can't answer yet. Finding out the answers to those is another important action item for you, if you and your wife want your marriage to recover.

If you want your marriage to recover, I would like to see an answer to this completely NON-rhetorical question:

I have not, but will begin to do so.

I already listened to Clip #1 from the radio show from the "Anger Management 101" links.

That's a good place to start.

I strongly suggest you listen to the new show each day, plus an old show from the archives.

Dad, I'm getting caught up. Sorry I called you out yesterday and then never responded, but you've been in mighty fine hands.

The bottom line that I, and many others, are sensing, is that you and hfm have not been using Marriage Builders as your guide for recovery. Please do make use of the online course. It really is that important. You are seeing that groping your way through recovery is not working. Don't just "look into it." Action, sir. THAT is leading the way in recovery.

How is your progress, dad? Have you made a list of action items from the posts in this thread, yet? And a list of questions you need to learn answers to, also? Have you completed any of the items, found any answers, yet?

I am frankly worried that you are posting about your brother's issues and haven't even found the questions for your own, yet. Suggest your brother come here to MB and get a good lawyer.

I gotten quite capable of multiitasking ha, ha.

I've spent some time the last 2 days listening to the Anger Management 101 radio clips and digesting what Dr. Harley discusses.

All good points, and some 'actions' to incorporate, or relearn maybe the better word.

I'm trying to find readings on here that address what to do about not being able to get out/away from a situation that leads to the frustration that creates the anger as Dr. Harley describes? Or, if 'leaving' the situation is only temporary because the frustration is permanant?