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This is the crux of the first problem. One of my issues that I am working on, is finishing things that I start. I saw this small project could be completed, and I could still get out early. Without a pressing need to be home, I stayed an extra hour, leaving at 4. She called just as I finished up, and was clearly upset. This hit me from left field. I really thought that she would appreciate me finishing, but instead, I had chosen this project over her. She said later that she didn't realize how important us leaving at 3 was at the time, and if I had a clue, the project would have been happily blown off until Monday. This was Independent Behavior on your part. Cut it out, and start using POJA and the 4 Steps of Negotiation to plan what you will do.
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My biggest problem now is conflict avoidance. It would have been easier to avoid the fight, and just do it. But I felt disrespected by her committing without asking me, and doubly so because when she asked, I was tired and told her so. Instead of changing the plans she had made with our friend, she proceeded to berate me into going along. Asking is a big guy was really so tired that I couldn't drive ten more minutes. Her friend was embarrassed, and I couldn't believe she was really pressing this. I hope you didn't give in to her demands and disrespect. You do yourself, your wife and your marriage NO favors by giving in to lovebusters and just doing what she wants. Doing so will only make things worse. If you care about your wife, you will not do anything that you are not enthusiastic about.
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Saturday morning started well, we had an engagement with friends, the guys went one way, and the girls hung out to do some planning. She was concerned that since the guys plans were unknown, that something unseemly may be in the works (I had no part in planning, and would tell her if I knew). I assured her that my married friend, and I would not be taking part in anything like that. I said that I would I would text her what was going on, just so she could feel better. It ended up being dinner and a movie, so I let her know as the night went on. It is my personal feeling that marriages in crisis don't typically have a lot of time to spend with friends! You guys would be better served getting your time alone. We need to know if you are going to follow the Marriage Builders policy of scheduling your UA time or not. Yes I would like to. We are going to have to sit down tonight and discuss what we are doing. I think we are both feeling beat up after this weekend. I want to try to get her to commit to the MB program and work it with me, well see how it goes.
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This is the crux of the first problem. One of my issues that I am working on, is finishing things that I start. I saw this small project could be completed, and I could still get out early. Without a pressing need to be home, I stayed an extra hour, leaving at 4. She called just as I finished up, and was clearly upset. This hit me from left field. I really thought that she would appreciate me finishing, but instead, I had chosen this project over her. She said later that she didn't realize how important us leaving at 3 was at the time, and if I had a clue, the project would have been happily blown off until Monday. This was Independent Behavior on your part. Cut it out, and start using POJA and the 4 Steps of Negotiation to plan what you will do. I agree with your point on independent behavior. I will mention that tonight when we talk.
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My biggest problem now is conflict avoidance. It would have been easier to avoid the fight, and just do it. But I felt disrespected by her committing without asking me, and doubly so because when she asked, I was tired and told her so. Instead of changing the plans she had made with our friend, she proceeded to berate me into going along. Asking is a big guy was really so tired that I couldn't drive ten more minutes. Her friend was embarrassed, and I couldn't believe she was really pressing this. I hope you didn't give in to her demands and disrespect. You do yourself, your wife and your marriage NO favors by giving in to lovebusters and just doing what she wants. Doing so will only make things worse. If you care about your wife, you will not do anything that you are not enthusiastic about. Agreed. It felt wrong at the time, and still does. The problem is, that I thought I was doing good finishing my project on Friday, but in retrospect, I should have left with her. I only now understand how much resentment that caused unnecessarily.
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Saturday morning started well, we had an engagement with friends, the guys went one way, and the girls hung out to do some planning. She was concerned that since the guys plans were unknown, that something unseemly may be in the works (I had no part in planning, and would tell her if I knew). I assured her that my married friend, and I would not be taking part in anything like that. I said that I would I would text her what was going on, just so she could feel better. It ended up being dinner and a movie, so I let her know as the night went on. It is my personal feeling that marriages in crisis don't typically have a lot of time to spend with friends! You guys would be better served getting your time alone. We need to know if you are going to follow the Marriage Builders policy of scheduling your UA time or not. Yes I would like to. We are going to have to sit down tonight and discuss what we are doing. I think we are both feeling beat up after this weekend. I want to try to get her to commit to the MB program and work it with me, well see how it goes. I think she will try to withhold commitment of any type in order to punish you, so I don't think I would try to have that conversation. Instead, I would just ask her to schedule fifteen hours of activities alone with you and let her accept or decline. You are willing, and that is what counts for now. If she declines, we will see what we can do over on her thread to persuade her to start spending this time with you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My biggest problem now is conflict avoidance. It would have been easier to avoid the fight, and just do it. But I felt disrespected by her committing without asking me, and doubly so because when she asked, I was tired and told her so. Instead of changing the plans she had made with our friend, she proceeded to berate me into going along. Asking is a big guy was really so tired that I couldn't drive ten more minutes. Her friend was embarrassed, and I couldn't believe she was really pressing this. I hope you didn't give in to her demands and disrespect. You do yourself, your wife and your marriage NO favors by giving in to lovebusters and just doing what she wants. Doing so will only make things worse. If you care about your wife, you will not do anything that you are not enthusiastic about. Agreed. It felt wrong at the time, and still does. The problem is, that I thought I was doing good finishing my project on Friday, but in retrospect, I should have left with her. I only now understand how much resentment that caused unnecessarily. What does the Friday mistake have to do with her being disrespectful and abusive on Sunday?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Because you talk about it, and sort of get past it, but damage is damage. She was hurt on Friday, so she is still hurt on Sat and Sun, and today. More incidents, even when I am not in the wrong (like Sunday), only compound each other.
It makes her feel hopeless and withdraw. It takes a lot of overt effort on my part to bring things back to a point that we can talk civilly.
I also agree that asking for some sort of MB commitment is probably in the cards for tonight. If I can get her to agreed to send UA time together this week, I will consider that an accomplishment.
I don't know if I am hopelessly poking holes in this relationship, or if she is just looking for reasons to keep things strained. In the end the picture looks the same.
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I also agree that asking for some sort of MB commitment is probably NOT in the cards for tonight. If I can get her to agreed to send UA time together this week, I will consider that an accomplishment.
Correction
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She was hurt on Friday, so she is still hurt on Sat and Sun, and today. Your IB does not justify her Demands and DJs.
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or if she is just looking for reasons to keep things strained. Don't go there. It's a DJ. You worry about doing what YOU can do.
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She was hurt on Friday, so she is still hurt on Sat and Sun, and today. Your IB does not justify her Demands and DJs. Right, she doesn't get to abuse you just because she feels hurt.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have reordered the MB books, and I am making time for us tonight hopefully we can get together.
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I don't know if I can ask the board to give her a little sympathy today. I think we should give you a little sympathy, as well. Punishment is not the key to a good marriage. Focusing on building a happy present and future is! Her berating you builds a miserable present for both of you. She is feeling pretty beat up, and I don't want to see her quit MB. I think that would be the end of us as well. I think she will use this as a way to manipulate you. She may threaten to quit MB and even quit MB, but if you stay the course and don't love bust and are willing to meet her emotional needs (as long as you don't have to put up with abuse to do it!) she will eventually want her needs met and will probably be willing to do it in a way that works for both of you. Don't worry about her quitting MB for now; just let her know you want to build a good marriage with her, that you want to be faithful to her and meet her emotional needs, and gently but firmly specify that her actions were abusive and that she needs to eliminate her disrespect so that you can enjoy being with her and meeting her emotional needs. John, Markos is 100% correct. You should never reward selfish demands with capitulation. This is a manipulation tactic that will destroy the love you have for her. And allowing yourself to be manipulated will not make love bank deposits. I am thoroughly disgusted that you and your wife are completely ignoring this program and all the advice we are giving you. Valuable time that could have been spent giving each other undivided attention was squandered on friends?? I knew your wife was not serious about using Martiage Builders and now I am convinced. My sympathy is for you, not her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"I don't know if I am hopelessly poking holes in this relationship, or if she is just looking for reasons to keep things strained. In the end the picture looks the same."
I see her poking holes in this relationship at every opportunity as a way to gain the upper hand. Dr Harley would call this tactic "secondary gain" when a spouse uses mistakes of the past to control and punish their spouse. Don't go along with it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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check this out: Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse
My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.
Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment. The problems with capitulation: How to Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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After a generally bad weekend, we finally had a chance to sit down and discuss it last night.
My independent acting on Friday (staying and extra hour to finish a project) really set her off. I did not realize how bad it was at the time, but it explains Sunday.
I apologized for Friday, and told her that I want to fix the holes in her bank so I can start making deposits that count. She has agreed to get back on the MB program, that it is what she wants.
She was the one who introduced me to MB. She bought the books and tried to stay involved without me. This went on for several years, until she finally gave up. I re-bought the books yesterday, and we will follow the program together this time.
I would have LOVED for her to apologize for Sunday, but us getting in line together overrules everything minor for now.
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I see her poking holes in this relationship at every opportunity as a way to gain the upper hand. Dr Harley would call this tactic "secondary gain" when a spouse uses mistakes of the past to control and punish their spouse. Don't go along with it.[/quote]
I am going to keep an eye out for this. As I am the one who has done the vast majority of screwing up what should be a great relationship, I feel like I am always owning some incident or behavior. If it's my fault I won't deny it.
I don't know if it was her first husband who tried to stay on top by criticizing and belittling her, but she has the hardest time admitting any wrongdoing on her part. This is something I would like to discuss when tensions are lower and we are working the program.
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John, which books did you order?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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1) Five Steps to Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs
2) Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
3) His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
We got an invitation yesterday afternoon to spend the evening with friends. I declined, and was happy to see her do the same. We spent the night playing cards and talking at home. A much better use of our time. She downloaded the MB radio app, so we can listen to that as well.
She had been waiting for me to get involved, and at this point she is participating with me.
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