Here.
Anger Management 101

I just love Mel's advice to you. Time to Plan B for your sanity and everyone's safety !

Agree.

Hmmm. I have considered maybe I am too big of a whimp to handle Plan A as long as others--but before going there I'd like to clarify a little.

I did not have any intentions of using guns for violence.

I admitted I'd like to see the OM suffer or get hurt prior to gathering my things and leaving.

I took the gun with me to a very isolated place in the desert--away from everyone.

I knew by taking the gun with me it would create fear / the illusion in my WW that I might 'go looking' for the OM.

I did not leave in a rage.

It was bad form and bad logic all the way around, but not out of control AO with guns as I think it may be considered here.

I listened to all the broadcasts from Anger Management 101. I was relaxing, breathing, focusing on end solutions, or just walking away on a pretty regular basis for 9 weeks. I think I can control the anger if I leave Coors Light out of the equation. The plan for that is to not have it on hand in the garage fridge.

I'd like to learn and adjust from this with a redoubled alertness to the importance of 0 AOs. The last 3 guns are secure now. I'll throw in the plan A towel if I blow it a 2nd time.

You are not a wimp and I am not a wimp. Some of us are just not cut out for this. Joyce Harley has admitted she is not cut out for it. If I tried to do Plan A, the SWAT team would have to cut through my roof to rescue my husband. It would not be pretty. You are not cut out for this, my friend. You just need to accept it and plan accordingly. Your health is being wrecked from trying to live like this. Better to separate and protect your health and any remaining love in your marriage.

Don't wait until it builds up in you again. Get her out now and let the affair die a natural death. That is truly the best thing for you, your wife and your marriage.

Dr Harley said to Joyce on the radio show a few weeks ago "you couldn't do Plan A, Joyce." She started to say "whaaaa...??" paused and said "you're right, I couldn't"

I don't know what it is, but some of us are just too outraged when treated disrespectfully. We are too passionate.

Regardless of your logic DBD, your actions are reprehensible. I agree that your wife should move out. What's worse than living in fear?

AO's are usually once in a while in abusive relationships. Ask me I know. The question is how long before someone turns up dead? This I ask myself and no doubt your wife wonders the same.

Your once in a while AOs complete with threats of violence are despicable. And only now you think to take it seriously to lay off the beer? The good folks here have been telling you this for many days now.

Don't wait until it builds up in you again. Get her out now and let the affair die a natural death. That is truly the best thing for you, your wife and your marriage. [/quote]

I am quite confident this affair will indeed die a natural death. In the meantime, you can focus on your own emotional health and start feeling better. Everybody wins.

There is nothing wimpy in that at all. On the contrary, it shows a lot of strength and a level head.

Sounds like you are still missing a few of the key concepts about AOs, or you wouldn't be supplying irrelevant details like "I wasn't in a rage." (Hint: that doesn't make a difference.)

Now for the killer question about the guns: does your wife think it is a GREAT idea to own them? If not, ditch them now.

You will not find a more solid proponent of gun rights on this forum than myself. (That's a challenge; I'll bet I'm more absolute, unyielding, uncompromising than anybody on it.) BUT, this is not a question of rights, nor is it a question of are guns good or bad. Every household where both husband and wife are ENTHUSIASTIC about gun ownership should have guns, but NOBODY should be forced to live in a home with guns that they don't desire. Marriage is a value far, far more dear even than gun ownership.

If your wife isn't truly enthusiastic about the guns, in her gut, they need to go, or you aren't committed to your marriage and recovery. Anything that is so important as to be an "exception" to the policy of joint agreement will ruin a marriage.

It was an AO, and it was therefore out of control. It was an attempt to punish your wife by frightening her.

There's not such a thing as "non-out of control angry outbursts." There's only "I thought I was in control, but ..."

The fact that guns were involved doesn't make it worse. The fact that there's nothing wrong with guns doesn't make it better, either.

I don't want to diminish what you are going through. Infidelity is the worst trauma a human being can experience. I think you really need to listen to MelodyLane and get into Plan B. Dr. Harley rarely advises men to go into Plan B. Typically only when they are doing things like what you described here.

DMD- Most all of us BS's understand how easy it is to come unglued in this situation.

However, what you did, regardless of your intentions, came across as if you had COMPLETELY snapped.

Extreme distress + WW breaking no contact + guns + beer + major physical threats = Your W being completely freaked out. And rightfully so.

Hopefully you can really reflect on the severity of this situation and realize how many LB�s you laid on her

R is not for the faint of heart. Maybe you just aren't cut out for it. Be honest with yourself.

Know your limitations before you really do snap and do things you can't undo.

Ok, I am listening and trying to take this in.

I talked to a good friend of mine who knows me well, and he agrees that I will likely just have another AO eventually.

FF--I find some hope in what you said "I am quite confident this affair will indeed die a natural death".

Mel--thanks for trying to help me still.

Markos--thanks for sharing

I have some plan B questions:

You are suggesting a full plan B with no contact and a mediator right?

How soon?

I think she will want to go--not sure. Do I make her leave or just give her permission and let her do it within the next week?

What is if my 16 year old daughter wants to go with her?

How do I explain this to my kids? I have 2 that graduate at the end of the month--should I wait until after that?

Do I make this my move, or let her move out and make it her move?

I stop all snooping in plan B right?

Clarification and ideas appreciated.

Despite her frame of mind, in think you should still communicate with her that you recognize what you did was wrong and that you are sorry. I wouldn't ask her for forgiveness, but just say you are sorry for making her feel afraid.

Hey, DBD: start listening to Marriage Builders Radio. Daily.

It's important.

The angriest people I have ever met in my life are angry because they actually have the biggest hearts, and they are hurt very easily and very often.

While anger is destructive, it is usually a reaction meant to protect us from further harm - which is why we posture, and threaten, and chase people away when we are angry.

This is why assertiveness is part of anger management - it is meant to teach you to circumvent harm before it happens, or before the hurt accumulates.

I went to an anger management class tonight, but it was on break--starts back up in a few weeks. It is only a 10 week class, but it is close so I am in on the next rotation.

I put the AR15 up for sale today. I don't care about selling my guns--I can always buy more some other day. I have sold guns to pay unexpected bills many times over the years.

I asked my wife about the guns again and she assured me the guns were not the problem--my attitude is. I told I was selling the AR anyway to use the $ for the kids graduation presents. She said fine but not to do it because of her. She is not scared of guns and carries her own little .380 regularly. Plus all my kids have a handgun of their own in their rooms. We are used to them and used to train often.

I have apologized in letter and in person for the AO. I expected little to no response for at least 5 days. But WW came home from hair appt today and wanted to talk.

She said the AO hurt her more than I know and that it made her want to return to the OM badly. I know, I know, Mel told me this--Pepper did so in very large print. WW said telling her to f-off and the name calling was the worst of it, but she does not want to be with a man who wants to destroy people though too. Just like FF said.

I was surprised how much she talked and how she brought up the good days we'd had lately. I told her I'd let her go and she could move out, but she immediately said there was no way she could afford it and that I had ruined any chance with the OM.

I affirmed over and over again that what I did was majorly wrong and inexcusable.

She cried and did get angry, but I am surprised it was not much worse and that she dialogued so long. And saying she can't leave is a bit of a surprise to me. She even started to cry at one point and say that it was her fault too and that she should of never--then stopped and just sort of got angry again about me. I changed the subject to her work and we actually talked friendly like about the activities she is leading there.

Seems weird to force her out now?

You are on the right track!! And no drinking, right? It will take a long time to erase the damage of the last AO but you are on the right track. Can you be good?

Seems weird to force her out now? (Really? How many/serious violations of EPs would remove the "weirdness"?)

Risk vs reward. Cause and effect.

The need to establish isolation between you would be primarily driven by the disastrous consequences imminent in another major AO event, DBD.

But even having the "cap" tightly sealed on the bottle of "DBD Cola" is of small comfort if WW continues to give it a vigorous shake.

It was HER re-initiating contact with OM and that period of her life that should result in her departure. DO NOT FORGET THAT! Her actions; her consequences. DO NOT PERMIT WW TO FORGET THAT!