Homealone2013, my prayers are with your family.

I read your thread and had to write. Our DS26 was an opiate addict. My husband has told me his loss of control of life in our home and family, for himself and for our younger children (then 7 & 7), and our vehement disagreements (not POJAing)on what to do about the behavior of our older children (then 24,23,& 20), was a major impetus for his infidelity in 2011.

Your posts gave me new perpective and more insight to understanding my DH's adamance about drawing a line on DS26 coming back to live with us (although he's physcially healthy and clean in incarceration), after subjecting our younger children to the perils of their older brother's addiction.

We have been there for DSwith his car totalled, we've seen him passed out with the refrigerator open, blood all over the kitchen coming from his mouth and nose, and a pan burning on the stove, and the house full of smoke. Our little kids saw this too.

My FWW and I have pried open a locked bathroom door more than once, with the water running and our grown child passed out with needles in his arms.

We raised DS together, for better or for worse. It was heartbreaking seeing him sick and an addict instead of a successful adult, which we know he would be capable of sans heroin.

Yet we have to protect our younger children and our grandchild (his son we are helping to raise). The best way we can take care of our young children is to give them two parents who are in love with eachother and enjoy spending time alone together, and as a family. As challenging as it is, we can still, thank God, listen and appreciate eachother's perspectives about how we'll handle everything.

I pray you and your wife can reconcile and recover from infidelity.

Thank you for your posts. You helped me understand better how to let go of DJing my DH for his mistakes of the past.

God bless,
IARTQ

IAintReadyToQuit,

Thank you so much for your post! I thought opening a business with 50 employees and building a plant was hard lol. I moved out 3 weeks ago while my youngest son 23 was still living in my home with my wife and four year old daughter. He had relapsed for the 20th or so time he's been in and out of so many rehab's I lost count. She can never tell when he's using and I can't understand it. Or she is in continued denial. I have experienced emotions that I have never felt before. I know now how much I really love my wife and agree about the two loving parents raising young children. My little girl is my light and I'm trying to shift some of that attention and love to my wife.

We had a session with Steve Harley this morning and I was on cloud nine thinking my wife and I are working together. He spoke about each others perspectives and how important it is to agree on everything or just don't do it! . Enabling our son's has been a major struggle for us as I refuse to enable our 23 and 25 year old sons and she continues even behind my back. Yesterday my wife turned off he IPhone ifriend tracker so she could take the 25 year old clothing and supplies as he is in rehab. Her safety net is still there and they only contact her because they pull on her heart strings.

Tonight I was going to stay the night because we have plans to take our grandson who's father is in rehab son 25 along with our daughter to the lake in the morning. I had taken the kids swimming while my wife was busy in the house and we were getting them in the bath before bed when my daughter began to throw a fit. She was tired from playing all day and swimming and only wanted me to bath her. My wife says " get in the bath if you want daddy to stay"
It broke my heart, she was using me possibly not being able to stay if she didn't listen to mommy.

I love her so much but when I addressed it, she spun it around changed her story and couldn't admit what she did was wrong at first. After talking for a few minutes she admitted it was wrong. At this point my emotions got the best of me and I went home. I texted her later and said you could just say sorry. She responded with I said sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. She never said sorry. Fact of the matter is it's going to be a bigger problem than it was tonight because she reacts to our daughter and loses her temper and threatens and this scares me. I should have never left I know this now. She is a wonderful mother and I know she would never hurt her but she takes meds for anxiety and has for many years. She also is drinking a lot more now than she ever has.

The worst part is we can't really work on us because I'm not there. So it's hit or miss, I guess time will tell. Thank you for your prayers that is so thoughtful !

Can anyone advise me on what to expect going through the radical honesty stage. I'm the person who went outside the marriage for sex and do not want to divorce my wife. I have read so much on the MB website and truly believe in this but I am so scared right now. I have been to several counseling therapists to address many of my issues, met with my Bishop and confessed my sins working through repentance. I believe I am almost truly humbled but know that I need to be totally honest with the one person who I love the most but have hurt so deeply. Does anyone have a success story they can share?

Are you in contact with your wife today? How are things between you?

Homealone, giving you a success story is not what you need. Your marriage can be successful if a) you follow the guidelines in this program and b) your wife chooses to stay in this marriage. If success is defined by your wife forgiving you, then that is conditioned completely and totally on her reaction. Your wife has the right to divorce you if she chooses. And if she chooses to stay in the marriage and use this program, then success is assured.

Yes we are talking and spent mothers day together. She has been very giving with our 4 year old daughter letting me spend a lot of time with her. We are communicating way better now than we ever have.

I just wish I knew what to expect she never told me we were in any stage but we have been working with Steve Harley. All of the sudden she says I will not move forward unless you answer 20 questions radical honesty. It seems positive until I read some of the forums that are so negative and hateful it brings you down. I guess I was looking for someone who had used the program and had success after an affair or sex outside of the marriage.. I'm going to let my wife know everything and I know nothing about her secrets.... I'm good with this but just want a positive story...

Thank you for your insight!

I am not familiar with any forums that are hateful or negative so I don't know how to respond to that.

There are thousands here who have saved their marriages after an affair using this program. The program always works when you have 2 willing partners. I don't know of any of other program like this that actually works.

Yeah, I think you are right, I just see some things that seem dark but then if the plan is followed it can bring new light. Thanks for the insight I do believe in this and will walk through the fire ( I ceated ) to hopefully enjoy the the rest of my life with the one I love. But like you said it's her choice.... I just wish we found this site many years ago .......

Okay my wife and I met so I could perform the radical honesty process tonight. My wife was drunk and on antidepressants together, slurring words. She even said she's going to sleep with my brother to show me how it feels. I hope she doesn't but it's her choice. I knew she would take it hard and it hurts but not like the pain I saw in her eyes.. Not sure what the hell happened I will email her the rest of what she needed because I'm out of this for a while it has consumed me and all I do.

What did you tell her you did? What did you do?

Did you sleep with her sister or something?

Would your brother actually do that?

Don't quit now. Now is when she will need your reassurance.

Steady cowboy.

I don't think she really meant that when she said it. Is she close to your brother?

The hurt your wife feels as a reaction to you going outside your marriage for SF is something you may not be able to fathom. If this kind of betrayal never happened to you, you cannot know how that feels for her.

Can you please move back in with your betrayed wife and focus your energy into comforting her and telling her at every possible moment how much you love her?

My DS26 I had before I married my H. I wish H would say my oldest boy could come home and we can all make a go of it. I would do almost anything if he did (wish he'd surprise me), but he hasn't, and that keeps me unsure of his lifelong commitment.

Your barriers to overcome are great. Your wife needs your love, commitment, and reassurance, no matter what things she might say out of hurt right now. Don't react to that. Just soothe her. Love her above all else.

Many posters here have great, positive success stories.

Can you please tell us your wife's user name so we can read her posts?