The Online Course was the real beginning of our recovery. We had done a bit of this and a bit of that from MB and really believed in MB. We thought we were disciplined enough on our own to follow the program.

The coach was so helpful in helping us steer the right course. She was every bit as respectful and kind as the Harleys to both me and H.

We filled out the Marital Problems Analysis and were directed to the reading and worksheets we needed to do. The private forum with Dr. Harley is valuable.

We worked through the program a half hour or so every night until it was completed, so it's not like it takes huge amounts of time for extracurricular study.

The results are so worth the effort and money it takes. We agree that it was the best money we ever spent on our marriage.

I had my work to do, too. Like your H, I often had angry outbursts at my H due to my feelings of betrayal over the affair. I HAD to stop them.

helpformom,

I assure you that going "by the book" means NOT dragging out details THREE YEARS after an affair. I am sorry that some people are harassing you and suggesting to your husband that this is appropriate. I assure you that it is not Marriage Builders, it is the opposite of what Dr. Harley recommends. The Marriage Builders forum moderators usually do a quick and prompt job of removing such contradictory advice, but sometimes it gets through. Please seek out the actual source of Marriage Builders, Dr. Harley, and find what the real recommendations are (which do not include dragging out irrelevant details three years later).

If I remember correctly, once HFD had all the information on your affair, he told you to tell him if you ever remember any other detail. And that's what you've been doing ever since. Right?

This is destructive. Once you told him everything you knew, the affair should never have been brought up again. There is no reason for you two to still be talking about it, or making references about it.

It's time to start recovery, and stop dwelling on the affair. HFD has been told this. So, now, YOU need to stop talking about the affair too.

YES!

Dr. Harley also tells spouses on his radio show that even thoughts of the affair need to be replaced quickly with thoughts that are more positive.

My H tries not to think of the A and of all the mistakes and misery of our past, because it simply brings him down. When I think of it, it brings me down.

If I find myself thinking of the A, I have to quickly replace it with what's happening NOW.

Now that your H has all the info he needs to understand how the affair happened, it's long past the time to stop thinking and talking about it. There's no point; it's not going to help.

What helps is restoring the romantic love and passion to your marriage, and making it safe for both of you.

You are exactly right.

Moving forward is exactly what Dr. Harley would recommend. Rather than endlessly rehashing the past, if you will follow the plan "by the book" today and restore romantic love to your marriage (which will probably take a matter of a couple months or even weeks if the love busters stop immediately), you will find that resentment will fade, for both helpfordad and you. There won't be a need to rehash the past any more, because you can both make a completely happy present and future.

If you take Dr. Harley's workbook and go through it, you will start by following the plan to eliminate demands, then the plan to eliminate disrespect, then the plan to eliminate angry outbursts. You will move on to eliminate dishonesty, independent behavior, and annoying habits. One by one, the problems will tick off, new habits will be created, old habits that are making your marriage miserable will disappear, and the two of you will have less and less to resent. And then you will move on to become experts at meeting each other's need for conversation, affection, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, and any other emotional needs the two of you might have.

Reaching for a discussion about the past when feeling resentment in the present is a major mistake. (I know - I'm the king of this major mistake!!!) It feels like a tool to get what you want and need; it may feel like the only tool; but it is counterproductive and actually makes you LESS likely to be able to build a happy present. Instead, you have to actually solve the problems you have in the present: eliminate the love busters, learn to meet emotional needs, build a compatible and enjoyable lifestyle.

The problem I see is that in three years, this has not been done. If you get into the accountability program, you will have a coach calling you up to make sure you are progressing and ticking these problems off and creating the new habits. The coach will not focus on the past with either of you; the coach will focus you on what is causing resentment in the present.

Have you read this article?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=9&sublink=58

hfm, did you get to read this article? I think it will be a real eye-opener!

**edit**

Hfm, like the others said, once the details have been discussed, it should never be brought up again. You have given him those details so you are done with that phase.

Please consider signing up for the online program so you can move forward in recovery.

The facts remain, BY HER OWN WORDS, HFM has for two years trickle-truthed HFD. Whether I point that out or not is not the issue here (or, anyway, should not be)!

Where are the veterans to corroborate that with every "bit" and "piece" of affair information that comes out, the D-day clock gets reset to ZERO?

Please read.
Joseph's Letter

All I can say is that on the radio, Dr. Harley himself has said the opposite. So she said there was a date at Bennigan's and two years later she remembers it was at Chili's? Big freaking deal. That's not trickle truth, according to Dr. Harley. It's irrelevant.

In some cases, like serial philanderers, the wayward spouse may not even remember all the affair partners. And Dr. Harley still says, it's not necessary to extract every bit of information and reset the clock to zero over and over again. Dr. Harley says to communicate the information about what led to the affair so that extraordinary precautions can be established and THAT'S IT. I'm sorry if you've been confused by forum folk wisdom.

Which is why they need to stop talking about it.

Here is what Dr H said on the private forum in response to the "trickle truth" issue:

And later, in the same thread to the same poster, who continued to explain why this was important to her:

HFM, your husbands beliefs about his own AOs concern me. If he does not start to take them more seriously, I suggest you start preparing for a separation.

I also suggest you contact Dr. Harley himself at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com, and tell him about your husbands AOs and his dwelling on your affair. IT'S FREE.

Good idea, Prisca! HFM, you have several options to get professional good help.

The other day you had an AO. You said "I'm sorry, but ..." You two won't be able to have a mutually fulfilling marriage if Lovebusters are excused. This kind of thing from either of you would be addressed during the online accountability program. You can talk to them about things you can't share with us. They can help you in a better way than we can.

It seems like you two are trying to determine who is at biggest fault so that that one will be the one to change. You two have locked horns, and it seems neither you nor us are able to help you - avail yourself of Dr. Harley's help! You both will have to change, starting with the concept that there are no excuses for Lovebusters.

Sugar, I do not have access to the private forum, so cannot speak to your citation.

All I can do is cite the serendipitous readily-available radio broadcast YESTERDAY.

If you listen, you will hear Dr Harley state (discussing Christine's letter) that the WS must tell the BS EVERYTHING, and then only then should the prohibition against bringing up the affair be instituted! He almost back-tracked, but Joyce (Thankee, Ma'am!)pointed out that the BS needs ALL information before considering that discussing the details would be an "enemy of good conversation", and he restated his support for the need for complete disclosure.

(In point of fact, his methodology for getting the entire ugly story to the BS very much matched my suggestion earlier on this thread - which only goes to show how bright a guy is the good Doctor!)

He has all the information about the affair. Dr H never intended this to be a drip, drip, drip of some minute detail remembered 3 years later. That is NOT how this works and is very much a major reason why this couple is not in recovery. They are well past the prohibition phase.

You can speak to Sugarcanes citation of Dr Harleys quotes. It is exactly as quoted and most of the people on this thread can attest to this.

**edit**

HFM,

Did you read this?