Sierra Nevada is brewed very close by...but I am taking notes...on my shopping list. Cheers!

Oddjobs,

I read your thread often and I notice that you are compelled to make contact with your WW often and sometimes this can hinder your efforts to plan A.

I have thought of a little idea that might help you. Get a notepad and write down all the things that you want to say to your WW over the week, including memory moments, feelings, relationship talk and whatever you want to get off your chest.

At the end of the week review your feelings thoughts and choose the best most appropriate plan A thought you have out of the ones you wrote down. This way you will have a place to put your thoughts and feelings that at times overwhelm you and you are not being impulsive and get to pick the most effective plan A test to send her.

If at the end of this you do end up going into plan B again you can use the notes you made to compose your plan B letter, of your WW comes back to you one day you can share the notebook with her.

Great suggestion, NB28!

Great suggestion. I will do this.

Just had a chat with OM's BS. I subtly dropped the hint that I am going to do anything within my legal means to save my marriage. I am pretty sure that hint is going to get back to OM.

The book wasn't kidding when it said plan A makes you fall out of romantic love with your spouse.

So I'm highly considering making a big decision here. I'm giving myself some time (4 or 5 days) to think about it before I meet with my lawyer, but the more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards making this decision. I am thinking about filing for divorce on grounds of adultery myself next week.

Why? Not because I'm giving up, no. But because I think it's the right decision for me at this current time. My wife does not care at all that we're still legally married, and is not letting the fact that we are married influence her decisions in the slightest. Whether we're married or not when/if she has a come to Jesus moment I do not think will matter. There are no laws that say we can't get remarried.

While my wife doesn't care if we're legally married or not, I DO care. Right now it is negatively affecting me. The looming divorce is adding stress to my life, and to be able to get it over with will give me some breathing room. Also - when I enter into plan B, I want to be able to just throw my hands in the air and be FREE of it all. When/if I enter into plan B I want to be able to start dating RIGHT away. I know by the time I get to plan B I will be emotionally ready to move on and find someone that will appreciate me for the man that I am. A woman that is willing to date a married man is no woman I want to date.

Does getting a divorce hurt my chances of reconciliation with my wife? Perhaps it does, as it will make her affair more convenient, but I am starting to feel like I need to protect myself and my future a little bit here. Even after we're divorced, I will still continue on with plan A. I will still make WS feel loved, and be there for her, and hopefully I will be there to catch her when/if she falls and hits bottom.

Right now my marriage to this woman is making me feel suffocated. I feel like ending it is the right thing to do, even if it serves as a detriment to my end goal.

I'm sorry to hear that your Love Bank (as you noted earlier) has plummeted so markedly, but can understand the fact.

Be warned: WW is probably going to go ape-[censored] when served with papers with the potential of legally labeling her as an adulteress. Make sure you have your VAR with you and "On" at all times in her presence.

Stay strong, friend.

Thanks NG.

One thing to be careful of is making decisions based on day to day ups and downs. Your "feelings" will vary wildly day to day based on a variety of things. You don't want to make snap decisions.

My suggestion is you choose a time frame (3 months. 6 months, etc) where you will not make any decisions one way or another until the time frame is over.

Well that is why I am giving it 4-5 days before I decide. If I feel the same then as I do right now, then I am going to do it. I know pushing for divorce goes against plan A, but it is one sacrifice to plan A that I think needs to be made for ME. None of my other plans have changed. The rest of plan A I will continue to do. My wife will still be very much aware that even though we are divorced, that I am very serious about reconciling, recovering, and re-marrying.

When I encountered D-Day, I made a decision that I wouldn't make any life changing decisions for 6 months. This was important to me because we have been married for 20 years.

JL24 is right, snap decisions may be regretted in the future. 4-5 days may not be enough for your emotions to swing in the other direction, and swing they will.

Why dont you plan on a 3 or 4 month timeframe and make you decision over the course of that time. One day/week you'll want out, the next you'll feel some hope. It'll also give time for her fog to clear, the exposure to have its effect, the affair to crumble, etc. At your age, 3 or 4 months wont even be a blip on the radar. Heck, you can probably hold your breath that long

What legal advantage would it give you to go ahead and file in your state?

What do you stand to gain? Typically, custody of children, alimony and assets are the main areas of focus.

One thing to consider is that you have been extending the olive branch. There is a direct possibility that if you can just lay low for a few weeks and let the exposure etc..do its work, it might start to pay off.

The main thing I encourage you to do OJ, is to really focus on yourself and self improvement. Kick butt at your job, work out, hang out with friends, maybe pick up a new hobby. There isn�t a whole lot you can do right now except wait and see what happens.

4 to 5 days is not long enough to let the emotional roller coaster run its course.

Of course its always your choice and no one will think badly if you choose to leave but if you choose to stay (which you said you did in past messages) than you need to give it an honest chance. It took my wife 3 months for even a hint of sanity. Once she even accused me of abusing our children. I gave her the time because she was worth it. Even through all the insanity and ugliness I could see the woman behind the addiction. I had a history of 20+ years with the love of my life. Wasn't it worth a year to see if she recovered?

So make your choice Odd. You have that right. BUT once you make that choice stick with it.

This is utterly confused.

You talk about entering Plan B but also staying in Plan A after the divorce. You want to start dating right away once divorced but you want to be there when your wife falls and hits bottom. You want to stay married, but you're getting divorced even though this is detrimental to the goal of staying married.

I started typing a big long response to you guys, but I deleted it all. In a nutshell, I feel nothing for my wife anymore - I still love her, I always will, and will always do anything for her, but right now I have no desire to be with her. My continuing on with plan A is based off of the purely objective viewpoint that I know we can be happy together, and I feel I owe my marriage (my spiritual marriage, not my legal marriage) all my efforts.

I feel like I've put forth more effort than what most husbands would put forth. I want to divorce so I can start dating again. I want and deserve a wife that will love and commit to me. You guys talk about having a time-line or a cut-off time for Plan A. Well if I start dating and find someone that I want to start a relationship with, that point in time I feel will be my cut off time for plan A. Some of you may think me going about it this way will make me a wayward as well, but I really don't see it that way.

This is how I feel. This feels like the right decision. It also seems like the logical decision. I didn't just start thinking this. I've been building up to this for the last month.

edit: You guys are making some really good points though. I am going to be thinking about this very deeply for the next week. She IS the love of my life, even if I don't feel any romantic love for her anymore.

Yep. I call it "betrayed spouse scrambled brains'. Been there. Done that. Still am at times.

Wonder if Dr Harley wants to pick up my term??

OJ- Your feelings will lead you astray. Try to use your head. Slow down. Feelings can change weekly, daily, hourly, by the minute..well you know what I am saying.

How you FEEL or what you THINK?

Why is it always the people who talk about spiritual/religious marriage who believe in dating while married?

I don't know if you say my edit above:

You guys are making some really good points. I am going to be thinking about this very deeply for the next week. She IS the love of my life, even if I don't feel any romantic love for her anymore.