With all due respect, I don't believe that is your motive, Odd. This goes back to you not being able to just sit back without trying to take control of the situation.

Being proactive is good. Having a time-tested plan is excellent. But you are trying to control things you cannot. Part of Plan A is the realization that you may not succeed in getting your spouse back, but knowing that you did your very best.

You need to contain your actions to those things which are purely part of Plan A. There is nothing to be gained by having a back and forth with the POSOM. You have all the evidence you need, and I seriously doubt any correspondences with the OM are going to help you in court. But they do make you look weak in the eyes of him, your WW, and maybe even a judge.

Sometimes less is more.

Make deposits in her LB.
You've completed exposure. You've changed the locks.
But the more you stick your head in everything your WW does farther away you are going to push her.

It will take you WW time to get out of the fog. My friend, you are only getting started with this marathon. And nothing you can do will accelerate that process. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.

I fear that you are not grasping the control issue that is hindering your progress.

Like others have said though. My WW is not going to voluntarily end this affair. My only hope is to get OM to end it at this point. I know my wife, and I know she is not going to end it. At least not for a very very long time.

The other reason I think sending that response may be good is that WW may end up reading it. Having her see me say that stuff may be good since it wasn't written directly to her.

OJ, ditch the letter and allow MrW to write a response, if he sees fit. He is not riled up like you and knows how to write things in a strategic way that will push all the OM's buttons. He is a genius with the velvet glove. [he is also an attorney!] Use the great resources on this forum. HE is one!

Okay, cool. MrW, if you take the time to write something up for me, I would be eternally grateful! (Also, I sent you an e-mail as well)

It is so much better, IMO, when board members write responses for betrayed spouses to the OP because WE are not emotionally invested. Your emotions bleed through your letter, which tells him he got to you. You don't want to send that message to him.

I can see that now re-reading it.

And not that you aren't a good letter writer, YOU ARE. But you can't help being emotional because it is your ox being gored! MrW is great at getting in little digs.

Lol "ox being gored".

Odd, I agree with Melody. Plus parts of your letter really show your anger/frustration. You need to be cool. This is the enemy, he is a fly that is about to get swatted.

Your part about mentioning stats, the way you say it tells him he is getting under your skin. you don't want that. he needs to see that you don't have buttons he can press. you don't have a weakness he can exploit.

I agree the letter was good, but better to have Mr. W write it. He can keep the emotions at bay.

I won't have time tonight....maybe late night or after church tomorrow.

I shouldn't have read all those other responses because I wasn't hating them.

What's a "Hiesenberg"? or whatever you said.

I'll think about it awhile.

Mr. W

Heisenberg is Walter White's alter ego in the show Breaking Bad. He is an absolute bad ***.

Wife just texted me and said she was coming over, asking if I was home. I told her "yup". Wish me luck with my live encounter with her.

Okay she texted me this:

"Will you cooperate if I drop off the paperwork, or should I mail them/have a constable bring them to you? It would be easiest if I could just bring it over."

I replied:

"If you want me to consider looking at them, you should come over and sit down with me for a minute. Please understand though that I am not interested in a divorce, WS. If you come over I will take them and look them over."

She replied:

"It doesn't matter if you're not interested in a divorce, it's not up to you. All you can do is postpone it."

I replied:

"Just come over, talk to me for a minute, and I will take the papers, sit down with my lawyer and go over them, then decide if I want to sign them."

she replied:

"Please do go over them, but you know I'm not asking for anything, I just don't want to be married anymore. When will you meet with your lawyer?"

I replied:

"I will only go over them and consider signing them if you come over and talk for a few. Don't worry, I don't want to talk about us, it would just be nice to see you for a minute is all."

She replied:

"I don't want to chat with you, I'm not comfortable around you anymore. If you're saying that you won't sign them, I will just have them delivered."

HOW SHOULD I RESPOND?

"put it this way...if a "constable" gives them to me you are guaranteed I will "postpone" it".

MAYBE (unless you feel ready tonight) --- "I'd prefer to meet at a neutral location...how about Starbucks tomorrow evening?"



Give you a chance to prepare, look snappy and make her fret and nervous all Saturday night.


Remember...she may not know about the emails at all. I hope not so you can drop them on her at a future date....maybe in the envelope at your next meeting.


When you get sad...which you probably will...you can say "I realized this might be one of the last times I ever see or speak to you"...."If you actually go through with this...we won't be friends after the way you treated me".

Have confidence...you are by far the better man. You aren't fighting her on this because she's a possession rather you are trying to protect her from making the biggest mistake or her life. There won't be any do overs. Be cocky and confident and not beggy. When you leave...don't look back. Try to exit first and let her watch you leave.

LISTEN...Let her talk and talk and talk. Don't laugh when you recognize the fog babble ...just be respectfull and responsive. Asking questions and planting seeds without being to "teachy".

Mr. W

Something like - "I understand why you would be uncomfortable. Please know though that if you have me served, and I *really* don't want to do this, WS, but I will counter for D under ground of adultery. Know that if I do, that you and OM will more than likely have to testify under oath, and it will be a very ugly divorce. I really do not want to go that route. I would much rather resolve this peacefully."

??

Edit: Okay I MUCH prefer your idea... No reason to withdraws form the love bank yet.

Edit: Okay I sent her this:

WS, if a constable gives them to me, or they are delivered you are guaranteed I will postpone the divorce. This could potentially go much quicker if you would just meet me in person, perhaps at a neutral location like beans and brew tomorrow afternoon?

She replied:

"I don't want to chat with you, I'm not comfortable around you anymore. If you're saying that you won't sign them, I will just have them delivered."


Put it this way...if the constable delivers them I won't cooperate at all. I don't deserve to be treated like a criminal. I've done nothing wrong here. I was decent and kind to you for ____ years. Show me some respect and handle your problems face to face.


If she refuses....call her a coward????



[I'm not perfect and this is your life...Act, don't react.]

I'm running out...good luck

She is so stubborn, I have a feeling she is still going to refuse the date idea.

Thanks for your help MrW

Okay, she replied:

"If a constable delivers them, you will have 20 days to sign or contest, or it will default to whatever I've asked for, which again, is nothing. I would be meeting you in person if I dropped them off, but I'm not going to waste my time if you won't accept them and tell me you will sign withing a reasonable amount of time."

Trying to decide how to respond.

edit: darn, she is pushing me into a corner where I have to tell her I will contest... Ugh..