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And we are in agreement here: we need a stringent plan of eliminating our LBs (with the LB worksheets/questionnaires & online program) and our UA time commitment. That is great  Are you signing up for the online program soon, then?
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Markos,
Thank you. Actually, you are very close to the mark on several points (...it's not a frying pan any more ha, ha...).
HFM will self-admit that the D & A pre-date HFD, and even in our romantic stage of dating pre-marriage, the bouts of D & A regarding college, career, family (non-HFD stuff) existed. And for years, I often stated "I'd love it if...", and not "You should..." regarding it.
Sadly, however, my own failings not only added me to that list in our marriage -- it seems to have rocketed me to the top of it.
We just discussed ADs today -- and I am open to trying them. HFM is indeed getting herself checked out as well, but I will leave it to her to discuss, if/when she is comfortable.
And we are in agreement here: we need a stringent plan of eliminating our LBs (with the LB worksheets/questionnaires & online program) and our UA time commitment.
We've both had enough of not being in as happy a marriage as we want to be in -- but, luckily, we want that with each other. Dad, Step back and look at those things; College, career, family... Those are sources of angst. So, while you were dating, those sources existed and carried their own emotional weight, you were a source of happiness. So, your not-yet-wife fell in love with you and married you. And that is the crux - to be the source of your spouse's happiness. The problem for just about every marriage here at one time or another is that we forgot to be the source of our spouse's happiness, or we forgot to allow our spouse to be so, or to help them to be that source of happiness more effectively. Those are the keys.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Markos,
Thank you. Actually, you are very close to the mark on several points (...it's not a frying pan any more ha, ha...).
HFM will self-admit that the D & A pre-date HFD, and even in our romantic stage of dating pre-marriage, the bouts of D & A regarding college, career, family (non-HFD stuff) existed. And for years, I often stated "I'd love it if...", and not "You should..." regarding it.
Sadly, however, my own failings not only added me to that list in our marriage -- it seems to have rocketed me to the top of it.
We just discussed ADs today -- and I am open to trying them. HFM is indeed getting herself checked out as well, but I will leave it to her to discuss, if/when she is comfortable.
And we are in agreement here: we need a stringent plan of eliminating our LBs (with the LB worksheets/questionnaires & online program) and our UA time commitment.
We've both had enough of not being in as happy a marriage as we want to be in -- but, luckily, we want that with each other. This sounds encouraging, dad! I know that when you guys apply yourself to the practices here, you are going to be a lot happier!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you.
That is our ultimate goal.
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Markos,
We've both had enough of not being in as happy a marriage as we want to be in -- but, luckily, we want that with each other. I am very happy to read that. I still feel that you two need professional coaching to fully (and QUICKLY) overcome the tight knot of egos (takers) that you two had going that kept you both wrestling so bitterly for such a long time. The coach will help you to lay down your weapons, reach a disarmed truce, and then achieve a truly contented and safe marriage. You have both suffered for a long time. You deserve to be happy.
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And we are in agreement here: we need a stringent plan of eliminating our LBs (with the LB worksheets/questionnaires & online program) and our UA time commitment.
We've both had enough of not being in as happy a marriage as we want to be in -- but, luckily, we want that with each other. You guys are going to be so happy when the Love Busters start to vanish. Have you read the friends and enemies of good conversation? This is where it starts to get fun.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And we are in agreement here: we need a stringent plan of eliminating our LBs (with the LB worksheets/questionnaires & online program) and our UA time commitment. That is great Are you signing up for the online program soon, then? I think they are planning to call the coaching center for sessions with the Harley kids. I asked for clarification but it wasn't answered. Which makes me think they are skipping online program, hopefully I am wrong...... And it's time to get to the coaching center and get done what needs to get done to move this marriage to the place it could - and should - be. You realize the coaching center is different than taking the online course, right? HFD, like everyone else, I strongly recommend you do the online program where you will be assigned a coach who will work closely with you two on everything from LBs and being you accountability partner re UA time.
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Yes, we're looking to get our financial "ducks in a row" in order to register.
HFM suggested we tap our emergency fund to pay for it...just getting things in order.
Thanks to all!
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HFM suggested we tap our emergency fund to pay for it...just getting things in order. That sounds like some great enthusiasm there!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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HFM suggested we tap our emergency fund to pay for it...just getting things in order. This can certainly be considered an emergency.
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dad? We're worried about you guys.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Dad? We're hearing crickets, here. What's up?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Need to get linked to any place/resources on the MB website / Dr. Harley's writings (if they exist) regarding:
1. using PORH and POJA with family members, siblings specifically
2. anything that addresses if being O & H has its limits, may be impossible to set boundaries with family, what to do if O & H is futile with a sibling...
I thank you all.
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hfd:
Openness and honesty is a policy for within marriage. While in general Dr. Harley says we should be open to the world because it keeps us more honest, we don't owe them the same level of honesty and transparency that we owe our spouse. For example, I don't disclose all my financial details to anybody but my wife. I don't talk about our sex life to the world, etc.
Likewise on the POJA - this is a rule for marriage. While in general I'd say it's immoral to coerce someone into doing something they are not enthusiastic about, the POJA itself is guidance for marriage.
Can you describe the exact situation that's going on so we can advise you? Usually we need to take it back into the context of marriage to find what's right. If it's inlaw trouble, there's very good material in His Needs Her Needs for Parents, and Love Busters. I had to set some serious, serious boundaries with my family, and it worked.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,
Generally, I guess we're looking for direction regarding being O&H and setting boundaries with family.
Without going on forever with the drama, my SIL invited parents/family to her house for Yom Kippur Saturday...but not our family. we always invite ALL family over for any events at our place, but it isn't reciprocated.
This has been a pattern for awhile.
We've tried to be O&H and share how it hurts our family, and how disappointing it is for the kids to be excluded.
The behavior continues nonetheless.
So, what to do when being O&H isn't 'working', and how to set a boundary (if that's even applicable) that being excluded from family events is not acceptable without offering ultimatums of being spiteful and answering 'un-invites' with un-invites?
Thank you!
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...and markos, is there a more appropriate place on this forum for this line of inquiry to solicit feedback?
Thanks!
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Markos?
Just wanted you to know I responded to your previous note...
Thank you!!!
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I'm done...I'm out. Hfm and I got into a disagreement tonight and we said some mean things to each other and then she called her sister who she only reconnected with a couple years ago and told her EVERYTHING about the affair even though we agreed no one else would be told or if we exposed to anyone else it would be together...she did this on her own no poja...I've left...I'll stay at a hotel for the weekend to think about how to proceed next...need to consider a divorce...I'm tired of these breaches of trust...I can't do this anymore...too much mental illness and impulsivity and IB and no care or protection...
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I'm done...I'm out. Hfm and I got into a disagreement tonight and we said some mean things to each other and then she called her sister who she only reconnected with a couple years ago and told her EVERYTHING about the affair even though we agreed no one else would be told or if we exposed to anyone else it would be together...she did this on her own no poja...I've left...I'll stay at a hotel for the weekend to think about how to proceed next...need to consider a divorce...I'm tired of these breaches of trust...I can't do this anymore...too much mental illness and impulsivity and IB and no care or protection... Sorry hfd. Are you in a hotel? Have you calmed down? What was your argument about?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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