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One other thing. Remember her feelings will change with the slightest shift in the wind right now. That is okay..just be aware.
You=Staying strong, solid and not-waivering can give her strength to know she can count on you.
Very important. How she feels right now can be totally different in 10 minutes.
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Right now, I am changing my behavior to better myself and for her. She says it seems fake and I am doing it just to try and keep her from leaving me.
I should push the concepts more. Express my desire to spend 15 hrs weekly in undivided attention to her. Doing a husband/wife activity only (without kids) once a week.
But she has a huge wall between us I feel.
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STOP!
You should NOT tell her it's okay to spend nights or time away with opposite sex on a Float Trip!
That is NOT plan A! That's plan Doormat!
You should immediately tell her that "I feel that we should not go on any trips alone, including the float trip"
Don't be a doormat! Reading through the website, Plan A seems to be only for the Betrayed spouse. Can Plan A work for me, the WH?
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Yes plan A can work for you.
The issue is that you both have poor boundaries; this creates an environment which makes affairs possible and likely to occur.
Plan A will help her fall back in love with you. You need to restore romantic love if you want to remain married; at the same time, there is a threat (due to poor boundaries) of affairs which will make recovery and falling in love impossible.
Most women can only be in love with one man. It's either you or....
So you don't want her spending time on a "float trip" with the competition.
You need to put forth a 110% effort in plan A if you want to stay married and have a loving, romantic relationship.
Do you know what her top 5 emotional needs are?
If so please list them here and start posting DAily
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Also, are you listening to the Radio Show daily?
There is a free app you can install on any smartphone to listen at no charge to you.
Listening to the show is absolutely necessary DAILY.
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Yes plan A can work for you.
The issue is that you both have poor boundaries; this creates an environment which makes affairs possible and likely to occur.
Plan A will help her fall back in love with you. You need to restore romantic love if you want to remain married; at the same time, there is a threat (due to poor boundaries) of affairs which will make recovery and falling in love impossible.
Most women can only be in love with one man. It's either you or....
So you don't want her spending time on a "float trip" with the competition.
You need to put forth a 110% effort in plan A if you want to stay married and have a loving, romantic relationship.
Do you know what her top 5 emotional needs are?
If so please list them here and start posting DAily Her top 5 are as folllowed: Honesty and openness Intimate Conversation Recreational Companionship Family Commitment Financial Support
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Also, are you listening to the Radio Show daily?
There is a free app you can install on any smartphone to listen at no charge to you.
Listening to the show is absolutely necessary DAILY. What is the name of the app?
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So I have addressed getting a book from the website to my wife. I have just offered to want to take her out to dinner. She has said she is not interested in getting the book and really doesn't want to go out to dinner with me.
Where do I go from here?
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Yes plan A can work for you. Um .... Unless the BW is starting her own affair, I do not advise Plan A as written. MY intended purpose when I composed the carrot/stick post was to help the betrayed spouse. 100%. IMO, I not think that plan A "stick" can/should be used. Plan A "carrot" means you demonstrate positive changes, you meet her ENs while not anticipating reciprocity of having BW meet your ENs. I think it is confusing to advise that the UNFAITHFUL spouse be in Plan A. That's not Dr Harley's advice, as far as I can tell.
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Yes plan A can work for you. Um .... Unless the BW is starting her own affair, I do not advise Plan A as written. MY intended purpose when I composed the carrot/stick post was to help the betrayed spouse. 100%. IMO, I not think that plan A "stick" can/should be used. Plan A "carrot" means you demonstrate positive changes, you meet her ENs while not anticipating reciprocity of having BW meet your ENs. I think it is confusing to advise that the UNFAITHFUL spouse be in Plan A. That's not Dr Harley's advice, as far as I can tell. That is what I originally thought when reading through Plan A. I am trying to meet her ENs. Everyday things are good, we communicate, we work together throughout the day. But at night when it is time to go to bed, she is quick to cut off all emotions to me. She will say goodnight and close the door. Now I fear she is running to a former coworker for needs. I don't think anything is physical. But I am concerned with it. I have asked her to please work on the marriage with me. Come to MB and look through the website, the readings, get HNHN book. But she says she is done with me and I need to start realizing that. But I don't know how she can be done with me when we smile and have laughs when no one is around.
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Yes plan A can work for you. Um .... Unless the BW is starting her own affair, I do not advise Plan A as written. MY intended purpose when I composed the carrot/stick post was to help the betrayed spouse. 100%. IMO, I not think that plan A "stick" can/should be used. Plan A "carrot" means you demonstrate positive changes, you meet her ENs while not anticipating reciprocity of having BW meet your ENs. I think it is confusing to advise that the UNFAITHFUL spouse be in Plan A. That's not Dr Harley's advice, as far as I can tell. Pep, the BW is private texting a male FORMER coworker about a "Float Trip". That sounds like the beginning of an affair to me
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Pep, do I need to bring up the text to my wife. Let her know it is concerning to me and how I feel about it?
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Another thing, I am scheduled to leave town on Thursday and not return until Saturday. Should I cancel this trip and stay home to focus on my relationship? Even if she doesn't want me to?
I know my BW is planning to meet friends for drinks on Thursday night. She informed me but I did not ask who she was meeting up with.
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Another thing, I am scheduled to leave town on Thursday and not return until Saturday. Should I cancel this trip and stay home to focus on my relationship? Even if she doesn't want me to?
I know my BW is planning to meet friends for drinks on Thursday night. She informed me but I did not ask who she was meeting up with. MB will give you a very different view on M and what makes A's possible. Dr Harley's experience has been that spouses who spend nights apart are prime for A's. Going out for drinks w/o your spouse is not a good idea especially if people of the opposite sex will be attending. HNHN and LB's were very eye opening to me. Spending time learning about Dr Harley's views might completlely change your mind about M dynamics. My friend, she is ripe for an A of her own.
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Pep, do I need to bring up the text to my wife. Let her know it is concerning to me and how I feel about it? Sure. The only recourse you have is to attempt to POJA recovery activities. Tell her your concerns. Ask her to refrain from any risky behaviors. Having said that, after my H's affair was discovered, and then the details began coming to light .... I did not give a flying pig's butt about what he thought. You can only try your best. I would really caution you against lecturing her. You have no credibility when it comes to being able to discern risky behavior. She might involve herself in a revenge affair. Are you aware that SexyMamaBear had a RA after HerPapaBear's false recovery? I'll try to find the link.
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Another thing, I am scheduled to leave town on Thursday and not return until Saturday. Should I cancel this trip and stay home to focus on my relationship? Even if she doesn't want me to?
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I'll try to find the link. I'm pretty sure it is somewhere in this long thread. Somewhere .... The problem is this. If your BW has a TON of resentments because of any of your egregious behaviors BEFORE DURING or AFTER your affair .... the more likely she is to act out in ways harmful to her own vows & values. I acted out. I *almost* had a RA .... a huge storm stopped me from driving where I was to meet up with some guy I knew. I was not sane. I was insane. The wayward spouse is at a huge disadvantage if/when the faithful spouse starts to make independent decisions. Try to POJA .... gently.
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These are all the things I feared when I discovered the text. I will express that I discovered her text. And that I hope she doesn't go or she would allow me to go with her on the trip. I will explain I will not stop her from going but that I am aware of all who will be attending the float trip.
I am going to cancel my trip out of town and hopefully get a little movement in the right direction with some undivided attention.
Thank you for the advice. Coming here and talking really helps me out throughout the days.
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I'll try to find the link. I'm pretty sure it is somewhere in this long thread. Somewhere .... The problem is this. If your BW has a TON of resentments because of any of your egregious behaviors BEFORE DURING or AFTER your affair .... the more likely she is to act out in ways harmful to her own vows & values. I acted out. I *almost* had a RA .... a huge storm stopped me from driving where I was to meet up with some guy I knew. I was not sane. I was insane. The wayward spouse is at a huge disadvantage if/when the faithful spouse starts to make independent decisions. Try to POJA .... gently. I will try this...I know I have zero credit to anything I bring to the table when I talk to her tonight but I hope that my continued behavior change and working to meet her needs will bring my family closer and my marriage stronger than ever before.
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Another thing, I am scheduled to leave town on Thursday and not return until Saturday. Should I cancel this trip and stay home to focus on my relationship? Even if she doesn't want me to?
I know my BW is planning to meet friends for drinks on Thursday night. She informed me but I did not ask who she was meeting up with. You should not spend any nights away from your wife. NONE unless you are in the hospital. This is a standard rule in MB. You need to change the way you live so this trip should be canceled
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