Hello,

My husband and i have been married for about a year and half now and have been together in total a little over 2 years. As of today, the man I thought I married a year ago is not that man today after all.
I have been through a lot with him over this last year, on top of a deployment and a severe injury. My husband basically lied about nearly his whole life to me when we met and then married. And our first year of marriage was full of his lies unraveling. I won't get into everything he lied about but i will touch on what's taking a toll on us right now. (I have chosen to try to forgive, rebuild, and save our marriage). Something somewhat "new" has surfaced. My husband opened up to me that he was involved in homosexual activities, by force of a former boyfriend of his mother, in the past. He said he was teen when this happened. I was supportive and definitely did not want to make him feel as though he was alone to deal with it himself. But now I have recently found dating websites he is a member of where he is searching for "transsexual/transgender" women (women who are genetically men). As well as "shemale" "transgender/transsexual" porn on his phone and computer. Now unfortunately, due to his background of serious problems with lying, I am beginning to think that this "molesting" he claimed to have happened to him may not have been so much as molesting but he was voluntarily participating in it. Among the porn and dating sites, there are suggestive messages from other men on his Facebook sort of speaking in "code" in regards to why he won't speak with these men anymore, and my husband "overcompensating" his sexuality by stating that he's been "f***ing women".
As I stated before, my husband is not a stranger to lying severely, and when i approached him with my concerns he merely brushes it off. Insists its nothing, and says he "didn't know what transgender was" and that's why he watched it. But this has now happened, after I confronted him, again and again. He said he would stop the first time, and yet it continues
Unfortunately I am now at my wits end, and this situation, compiled with the lies of other serious things, has left me feeling like I can no longer offer any more chances and am ready to end the marriage. I loved "him", the "him" that was created by the lies. I don't know who it is I am married to anymore.
I would like to see others point of view. To possibly open up my eyes to other options, course of actions, etc.

Ps. We have a daughter together, as well as I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has a son from a previous as well.

Hi via, welcome to Marriage Builders. If I am reading this right, the basic problem is that your husband is using porn and trolling for action on the internet? Is that right?

Is he currently deployed?

How old are you both?

Hello,
I am 25 and he is 22.

Among other things, yes that's pretty much the issue. The types of sites he's visiting and the types of porn as well has me doubled concerned, because not only is he looking for action elsewhere, it seems to be of homosexual interest as well.....

No he's been back statewide since last August.

That's really not that uncommon, though. It won't prevent you from solving the issues in the marriage. His sexual interest in men won't stop you from having a happy marriage if he is willing to commit to your marriage.

If he will stop lying and stay off the computer, you can create a great marriage together. It sounds like he has a porn addiction and that can be resolved if you remove those means.

That might mean password protecting your computer so he can't get on it unless you are there. He could also hand in his smart phone for a flip phone. See what I mean? Remove the environment in which he pursues porn, internet affairs and he can break that bad habit.

The next step will be to change his lying habit. IF you can help him solve that, your marriage could work. Dr Harley addresses this problem and gives some solutions here: Honesty and Openness (Part 2)

He should also try to get out of the military.
Affairs are very common during deployment s

Maybe the radio show from 12/20/12 would be helpful here?

Here.
Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

From what you’ve described, it seems like there are deep issues your husband hasn’t been honest about or addressed, and that kind of secrecy can destroy trust. Whether or not you decide to stay, I think it would help to talk to a therapist - both individually and possibly as a couple - so you can process all of this with some support.

Did you notice that these posts are from 2013?

They don't care. These forums have been overrun lately by spammers. If not giving links to games websites in the pointless msg body replies then they link them through the signatures.
There don't seem to be any mods or admins monitoring the forum any more. It's sad.

I understand that the situation you’re in is very difficult and doesn’t have any easy solutions. I truly sympathize with you and wish you the strength and emotional resilience to get through this. I would advise both of you to try couples therapy; it might help, as it’s possible your husband is simply traumatized and needs psychological support. It sounds like your husband may be experiencing something like gender dysphoria; if you’re interested, you can read more about it here: https://bit.ly/4tsJ3jf