All,
I've been lurking for a few months now trying to understand what I need to do and what has happened. I have had support around me but it seems to be drying up so I need to reach out to everyone here for some help...
Here is my situation in bullet format�

-married almost 13 years and have two elementary aged kids.
- 4 1/2 years ago I had an EA with an ex that I had wronged very badly. Wife said I could contact her to apologize and get closure but things got way out of control...we met a couple times in public places and I kissed her goodbye once.
-I got caught and lied to cover up each new thing she found out. But because of my job I was gone for the first 6 months after I was exposed.
-Went to counseling a few times when I got back then moved on without really resolving.
-About this same time, my wife started nursing school and struggled most of the way through it. So I took care of ALL the house work and the kids.
-During nursing school, she managed to get a diagnosis of ADHD and get Adderall to help her through it...she isn't ADHD....3 years later she graduated. But it was very difficult on our marriage.
-Got her first job and was working nights. Horrible for a marriage but we had no choice at the time. Once she starts working things start going really well at work...she is a go getter if there ever was one...at work.

Now here is were things started going south...

For the first month she has to work along side another nurse to learn the ropes...this person...if you havent guessed is a man. He is also her supervisor and single. Uh oh! But my wife and I are Christians and she was raised in the church and has strong morals. She was the most honest person I know and she gets eaten up by guilt if she tells even the smallest lie. SO I thought, she is ok. I trust her. Fast forward 6 months and they are pretty good friends now...

-In February she tells me she doesn�t think she loves me and wants to move out...but wants to think about it. I stop and think about this guy at work and press her about it and she says he is just a friend has nothing to do with her feelings towards me. Then admits he told her he has feelings for her. She then quickly changes her password on Facebook. Few hours later she gives me the password but the entire conversation with him is gone...She then promises to not talk with him anymore.
-A week later she decides she wants her family and to stay
-Couple weeks later she says she doesn�t love me anymore and isn�t sure if she wants to be married to me anymore. After repeated lies about not talking to him anymore she admits she was but has stopped. But SWEARS he has nothing to do with her feelings towards me.
-A week or so later i caught her again still texting him...she lies and says its nothing and she promises to stop. (I know, im an idiot)

During this time we are fighting a lot about it and him and she swears to me, her family, and our friends that he has nothing to do with it.

-a few days later things have gone bad and she has been refusing to talk to anyone about it at all or go to counseling. She says she is done and wants to move out. I did ALL the wrong things now...LOTS of crying, begging, pleading, judging, promising to change, yelling, etc...

Finally I put together an intervention type thing with a married Christian couple from our church that she respects and loves more than just about anyone. She convinces them that he has nothing to do with it and she agrees to stay and work on our marriage and stop seeing or talking to him at all other than professional stuff at work. So we all agree to meet weekly and talk. But each week we have a big fight and she wants out. Then we all meet and she changes her mind.

-Then she admits she now has feelings for him and doesn�t think she will ever have those feelings for me again. So she doesn't know if she wants to stop talking to him. So we get in to a big fight about it and she storms of to think and stays in a motel for the night. Then she comes back and says she needs space and time to think. But I know something isn�t right and I am just unable to give her any space. I made it very uncomfortable for her and me and the kids with more of ALL those things I shouldn�t do. Crying, begging, judging, etc�

-Comes home to talk and admits to him coming to her hotel room and they kissed some and that was it�she admits to talking to him the whole time seeing him outside of work a couple times but says she is so sorry a million times while crying her eyes out and wants to stay. I forgive her and she agrees to switch to a day schedule so she won�t see him as much or work with him at all. Then I have her call him on speakerphone and she tells him she told me and its over. Then I take the phone and tell him what I think of him and what he is doing and threaten him if he ever talks to my wife again.

-things are good for a couple days but start to go south again. She is starting withdraw�gives in her second night and calls him. Lied about it for a couple days and I get her to tell me�its been really bad ever since.

-she moves out to stay with a friend to think. Then later signs a 9 month lease at the same apartments.

-I call and text HIM several times for a few days until he calls me back. I talked to him and told him her story and what he is doing to her life. He says he is sorry and tells me this is to much and is going to take himself out of the situation. I actually believe him.

-Now she is livid and is absolutely adamant that she is DONE and wants a divorce. The next day she emails me a separation agreement that is surprisingly pretty fair with kids, money, etc� But it has a non-interference part that says we are free to act as if we are single and date whoever we want but neither of us can live with someone of the opposite sex. I take this as she will use it to tell him its ok and I have no say over her anymore. So I demand that be taken out and add that we can NOT date or see anyone of the opposite sex. Also I want weekly counseling added. She has refused. I told her how cold hearted and uncompassionate she is being since she just moved out and stopped having an affair. Next day said she was sorry. Now she is being surprisingly friendly�probably so I will sign what she wants but maybe not.

My problem right now is...she has been saying she needs space this whole time but has now switched to I WANT A DIVORCE. Probably because I totally messed up and had been everything I should NOT have been. i.e. the exact opposite of the 180 plan. Now I feel like I messed up plan A and her most recent memories of me are me acting crazy and judging her and smothering her... So the only choice I have is to try and do a 180 here and step back. So I swear to not initiate contact with her and I don't...couple days go by and she is now friendly with me and texting me and asking for help with moving in and stuff. But then a couple days later she is asking me to sign the separation agreement she knows I don't want to sign...

What do I do?

One thing I forgot...She has been outright lying to everyone the whole way about the OM and has her family and friends so angry with her for it. She continues to swear he has nothing to do with her feelings towards me but admits he complicates things. This is so crazy to be coming from her...everyone is completely confused by her actions and lies. She has completely abandoned God and her faith...probably because of her guilt. Its a big deal in her family that she has stopped going to church and praying to God and stuff.

Hi nlovehubby, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

You are in a very serious predicament so I am not going to mince words. You are making serious strategic mistakes that will be hard - if not impossible - to recover from. You may have a chance if you listen to us and can follow instructions.

First off, you absolutely should not sign any separation agreement. Tell you will have no part of that.

Secondly, you should stop fighting with her and making disrespectful judgements. When you do that, it makes the OM look good in comparison.

The next important thing is to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and this affair has become more and more entrenched by keeping it secret. It has thrived and grown because you unwittingly ENABLED it. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. While there are no guarantees, your best hope is to expose it wide and far. Go read my exposure thread and start making plans. We can help you with a strategy. Since this is a workplace affair, you should start in the workplace.

Here is the plan that gives you the best hope for saving your marriage, we call this Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

nlove, welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read the 'Start Here' thread on this forum? Your wife is obviously having an affair with her supervisor. There are things you will need to do to kill this affair. Read the 'Start Here' thread and come back to your thread with your questions.

In short, you will need to expose the affair, but you will need to snoop to get evidence.

Is this guy married?

Do not sign anything. Tell her that you will not talk divorce, only marriage.

And DO NOT move out of your house. If she requests this, tell her she'll need to leave. And the kids stay with you, not her.

I guess I didn't really make it clear. I DID expose it about half way through this mess to everyone except her work. I exposed it to her family, almost all of her friends and our friends and leaders at our church. Everyone knew and I kind of circled the wagons on her. But she is still standing by what she has been saying that he has nothing to do with her feelings towards me. Everyone thinks she is lying...me too. She was in a withdraw state, i think, when he came along.

I had been harassing him to some degree until he called me back and we spoke on the phone. I told him about her no longer talking with loved ones and how that is very unlike her because her family was important to her, I told him about her no longer being in church, about her two kids lives he is messing up, etc... I DIDN't tell him what to do...he told me he is just going to take himself out of this situation and that I needn't worry about him anymore. I tend to believe him a little because he is worried I will expose it to his job...but of course I dont believe him 100%.

So as it stands right now, she has her own apartment and to the best of my knowledge, he is refusing to see her. I feel she wants me to sign the separation agreement so she can take it to him and say "he has agreed"...I won't sign that crap.

Im hoping he gets the point here and decides that its just not worth it anymore.

So, being that she has moved out of the house and might not be seeing him anymore because he has pulled out, should I try and be as friendly as she is willing to be? And if she is still seeing him or wanting to see him(but isnt because he stopped it) should I try and compete with him like plan A states or am I way past that and should go strict no contact?

One of her big complaints is that I am trying to control her and manipulate her and that Im not listening to her. So she gets angry when I talk reconciliation or counseling of any kind. "Your not getting it...I'm done!" I feel I pushed her to that point with my constant hovering and anger and all the other mistakes.

I'm trying to do the 180 thing right now and it seems to be doing well.

---But right now I don't know if I should go strict No contact (I dont contact her but she keeps contacting me about stuff she really doesnt need to) or should I try and be her best friend and kinda start over in our relationship?---

Right now you should Expose to the workplace, that is your best bet to destroy this A. There is no way round this step

I did call human resources and asked them about their policy on workplace affairs and apparently it got back to his boss. She pulled him aside and he agreed to stop...then I talked to him and he told me he wasnt going to be involved anymore and he would tell her the same. So, his workplace does know about it but it isn't full blown out in the open to everyone who works there. I said that was ok but if it continues I will expose him to everyone there that he is a predator that is preying on a married woman...

@GloveOil- Where in Va are you?

You've made some tactical errors but all is not lost. Follow the steps laid out here by others and ask lots of questions.

Truth: her affair has little or nothing to do with you, it's a result of someone meeting your wives needs. In a workplace with the long hours it very easy to be the charming, joke-a-minute great guy when at home you and she face real life with bills, children, and reality. She lives in a fantasy world there and who would want to end that?

The best advice I'd offer is after a robust exposure of the affair and her fantasy world crashes down, there are many things you will need to do. Among them is getting all the information YOU require regarding the affair. Only you will know how much that is. A weak execution of info gathering can doom the future.

First things first. Kill the affair, expose it wide. Call their boss first. If you need language on how to word it effectively, just ask, people here can give you wording that will scare the whosits out of any management.

Send a cert letter from a lawyer about the affair. Chances are they wil sweep it under the rug and the affair will go underground.

And, a must exposure taget: The OM family and friends. Get on the OM FB and copy and past his contact lists.

ML Jr can you post britbracs (sp) work place exposure letter?

I've read so much and pretty much know exactly what I did wrong every step of the way...but I cant seem to figure out the best step forward at any point.

A little bit of lessons learned...
-No one is immune to being involved in an affair and it is foolish to think so. Trust, but verify...
-If your wife is having a problem with it and agrees to quit her job...DO IT! My wife said she was so sorry and wanted to be a family and would never see him again AND that she would quit her job...but I said I believe you and we will take every precaution to prevent this from happening again...so you dont have to quit your job. FOOLISH! If I would have made her quit...she'd be at home right now because she'd have no money and would be dependent on me...which is what you want here. Grrr...
-Read follow Plan A AT ALL COSTS...

He blocked me so I cant see who his family is...I know a couple of his friends from work but...He has agreed to cut the affair and his immediate supervisor knows about it... So I was saving the all out blitz at work incase he doesn't hold to his word. Its kinda my last shot... I think I have him scared and tired of the baggage anyway.

Also, she'll be needing to leave that job. If her boyfriend is there and she sees him, the affair is not going to end. I'd hold on to this tidbit of fact until after exposure has been made.

Thanks so much to everyone helping here...I finally feel like I will be able to figure out what to do next...

I know she will Mike... But if I tell her that now, she will be very reluctant to even think about coming back. She has self-esteem issues and her job, even without him, is VERY important to her. She is very good at it and it makes her feel good about herself.

All he has done is take the affair further underground. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will expose at the workplace in a formal, serious way.

If you need some evidence that the affair is still active, just have her apartment watched for a couple of days.