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I can see your view on how I am having a SD trying to get him to see that he should make M his priority. Maybe my canned response should be I hurt because I don't feel like I am your #1 priority but then again I have done that and he tells me it is not a competition. dontknow
It is not a selfish demand, however, to just say "I am not enthusiastic about you having dinner with SD21. I am willing to negotiate if we follow the Four Guidelines for Negotiation."


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Originally Posted by wipedout
I have shared with him that I do not feel important. He tells me it is not a competition. I tell him I know that, but I still don't feel important. He keeps bringing it back to that it is a competition.

Dr. Harley has stated that if there is anything in marriage which is not subjected to the policy of joint agreement, then that subject will ultimately wreck the marriage.

As long as he continues to see his daughter over your objections, you will probably continue to feel slighted. The reason is your husband is being thoughtless about this.

If it were me, I would tell your husband something like this:

"I'm not enthusiastic about either of us seeing her until she apologizes to me and gives us some assurance it won't happen again. Even then, I will only see her on the condition that we leave immediately if I feel she is disrespectful to me again. And I'm not enthusiastic about you seeing her alone or having private conversations with her; only with me."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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One day you might be able to let him know why something he did or is doing hurts you, but it seems that at this point it is not helping. You see what happened here?
You: How you carry on your relationship with your daughter hurts me.
Him: Why?
You: Because I don't feel like your number one priority.
Him: It's not a competition.

He answered your why of your feelings (thereby dismissing them) rather than addressing how he could change his behavior in response to your feelings.

I'm not all that good at seeing DJs, but this answer of "it's not a competition" feels like one to me. Maybe it's because it's an assumption that you think it is even when you didn't say that? I don't know. I would love for someone to enlighten me on that, but I don't want to t/j, either.

The reason I suggested you say something like sure he could go but it will withdraw love units is because he doesn't appear to be willing to negotiate. It also leaves it at information you are providing rather than permission.

However, I really like the other suggestions you got, too. Whatever nondemanding way you can let him know the answer to "how would you feel, WO, if I ...?" even if he doesn't ask it.



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Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
I'm not all that good at seeing DJs, but this answer of "it's not a competition" feels like one to me.
It is. It's assuming what she is thinking or feeling. It's belittling. It's educating.

Quote
The reason I suggested you say something like sure he could go but it will withdraw love units is because he doesn't appear to be willing to negotiate. It also leaves it at information you are providing rather than permission.
It's always a good idea to let your spouse know that you are not enthusiastic when you feel that way. I see that with your suggestion you are trying to just provide information. But, by saying "Sure, you can go, but you are going to withdraw love units ..." it can come across as very disrespectful. It can be seen as "I'll let you go, but you're going to pay ..."

By simply saying "I'm not enthusiastic, but I'm willing to negotiate," You inform your spouse of your feelings (I don't like this plan) and you also inform your spouse that you do not want to leave them feeling disappointed (I'm willing to negotiate to find a solution that will make us both happy -- not just me, but you too).

Now, he may go ahead and do whatever it is you are not enthusiastic about. You can't stop him. But he will do so knowing that you were not enthusiastic, meaning he has trampled all over your feelings and withdrawn love units. But it's not because YOU were unwilling to find a solution.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
I'm not all that good at seeing DJs, but this answer of "it's not a competition" feels like one to me.
It is. It's assuming what she is thinking or feeling. It's belittling. It's educating.

Thank you for helping me!

Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
The reason I suggested you say something like sure he could go but it will withdraw love units is because he doesn't appear to be willing to negotiate. It also leaves it at information you are providing rather than permission.
It's always a good idea to let your spouse know that you are not enthusiastic when you feel that way. I see that with your suggestion you are trying to just provide information. But, by saying "Sure, you can go, but you are going to withdraw love units ..." it can come across as very disrespectful. It can be seen as "I'll let you go, but you're going to pay ..."

By simply saying "I'm not enthusiastic, but I'm willing to negotiate," You inform your spouse of your feelings (I don't like this plan) and you also inform your spouse that you do not want to leave them feeling disappointed (I'm willing to negotiate to find a solution that will make us both happy -- not just me, but you too).

Now, he may go ahead and do whatever it is you are not enthusiastic about. You can't stop him. But he will do so knowing that you were not enthusiastic, meaning he has trampled all over your feelings and withdrawn love units. But it's not because YOU were unwilling to find a solution.

Okay, I can see how that might be taken as a threat.


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Really the only thing you can say is "I'm not enthusiastic about that. I'm willing to negotiate."

When is your next session with Steve?

It's time you and your husband learned how to negotiate this issue. From what I'm reading, this is what I get about the relationship with the daughter:
1. She's a bully. He feels like he has to appease her in order to get her attention and have a relationship with her.
2. She's a threat to your relationship. She sees herself as a competitor with you for her dad. You see it. He doesn't. It is, in fact, a competition - TO HER.
3. In order for you to be enthusiastic, he has to put YOU first in that relationship with her. He has to stand up to her, when she's rude, dismissive, or otherwise excluding you from activities that involve the rest of YOUR family.
4. He has to let her know in no uncertain terms that he values and will protect the marriage and if her behavior is abusive of those values, he's willing to go without contact with her until she's respectful.

Am I on target?


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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More thoughts:

If he were to follow MB on this, his posture to his previous abuse would be to protect you from himself and all other abusers he's tolerated abusing you in the past. He'd turn up his sensitivity to anything that has a whiff of abuse and eliminate it.

I've frequently said that he/she who cares the least about a relationship has the most power.

In this case, the daughter has the most power because she's totally willing to cut him out of her life if he doesn't play this HER way.

That's abusive. Not a loving daughter who values a relationship with her dad.

Until he's willing to let her have her tantrum and still maintain his own power and value to her, then he is worthless to you as well.

It might as well be abuse by proxy if he's willing to tolerate her abusing you.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Wiped,

You really are going to have to ask yourself how much you're going to put into this? Based on what you've described your H isn't behaving in a way that will ever make for a loving, happy M. How much more of this can you tolerate? All good questions you must ask yourself.

It would be nice if your H were to see the light and do the things that we see as important. However you can only control yourself so you need to set forth a plan, a timeline, of what you're going to do. How much more of this are you going to take? What if he never changes his ways?


Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


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How did things work out? Did you tell him that you weren't enthusiastic, but you were willing to negotiate?



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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
To piggy back on the others, you don't have to justify why you feel the way it's a dive u do. Your feelings are your feelings. However you can't also expect him to understand or feel certain ways. He/you, however, should respect the way you feel the way you do.

For example, my wife has opinions and feelings that I don't always agree with and visa versa. It's not our job to educate our spouse or to try and change their feelings. It is our job to understand they feel a certain way and it is what it is. So if I do, act, or say something that offends my wife, then it is my job not to repeat the offensive behavior regardless if I agree with her or not.
This leads me down thoughts that we can �control� our spouse with our feelings. I believe that is how my husband thinks I control him. In sharing LBs, he shared that it is not so much as demands in words but in my actions. Although I have realized the way I carry myself with the hurt is just as important for me to address, I feel, none-the-less that I can�t feel the way I feel. I am trying to not wear my feelings on my sleeve and I need to share my actual feelings as they boil inside me. I do not feel safe in doing so as I feel he has DJs.

For example, I cooked dinner (which I don�t normally do because of the conflict at home). In the past H has told me that if one cooks dinner the other should clean up. This was the start of conflict as he was demanding me to clean up after his tornado cooking mess when he cooked. After dinner I asked DD13 to clean up my plate, Hs plate and her plate. I asked DD12 to clean up her plate. They were cleaning up some of the other dishes without being asked. That night H told me that they didn�t finish cleaning up. I told him I did not want them to be awaken to clean it up as it had been an hour after they went to bed. (He has wanted me to do this before) He agreed. He asked them in the morning why they didn�t finish cleaning up and told them they needed to clean it up before school. When he told me I repeated what I thought was his perspective. He asked me my perspective and I told him I know I didn�t ask them to clean up all the dishes, that it was only the plates. I said I would assume then that he told them. He said he didn�t, then became mad and said that they should expect to clean up the whole mess. Then he told me that he felt like I was trying to make excuses for them. That made me withdrawal and I had the girls clean up. I understand I am enabling his behavior. How do I become stronger to stand up for myself? To me he clearly had SDs by expecting it to be done without being told and DJs by telling me I was making excuses for them.

I have been reading the LB book and it never seems like we were much at an intimacy level. We started with conflict right after the wedding. I don�t do conflict well, I withdrawal 95% of the time. 95% of the time, I don�t call him names or fight for my feelings. I don�t do things to him to get revenge or avenge my taker, I withdrawal. The complaints he has toward me are that I carry a dark cloud around, my manners at restaurants are unlikable, I don�t clean up after myself or follow through with projects and other things I do, I deflect conversations, �ridicule his point of view saying it is �control��, I disregard his opinion about disciplining my children.

Originally Posted by markos
Asking your spouse to NOT do something that would hurt you is not a selfish demand.
I agree with the concept. However, the flip side says that in essence, H can tell me not to have storm clouds, clean up after myself, get after my kids with more anger, eat properly at restaurants, etc. I�m not sure asking them to not do it is the correct path, rather telling them how we feel and letting them choose if they want to continue to hurt.

Originally Posted by Prisca
"I am not enthusiastic about that. I am willing to negotiate if we follow the Four Guidelines for Negotiation." Better response (it takes out the whole "make marriage a priority" debate out, as markos suggested):
"Are you willing to do what it takes to protect me?"
Thanks! I am finding many quotes that I need to carry around on a sheet of paper to recite until they become a part of my everyday thinking.

Originally Posted by markos
Dr. Harley has stated that if there is anything in marriage which is not subjected to the policy of joint agreement, then that subject will ultimately wreck the marriage.

As long as he continues to see his daughter over your objections, you will probably continue to feel slighted. The reason is your husband is being thoughtless about this.
Yes, and it is preventing another love units he tries to deposit to be only added at a fraction of their value.

Originally Posted by markos
If it were me, I would tell your husband something like this:

"I'm not enthusiastic about either of us seeing her until she apologizes to me and gives us some assurance it won't happen again. Even then, I will only see her on the condition that we leave immediately if I feel she is disrespectful to me again. And I'm not enthusiastic about you seeing her alone or having private conversations with her; only with me."
I have tried something similar from a previous comment. While he showed great restraint with AOs, he was very distant for days and angry on the call early last week because of it. We had to call Steve again on Thursday because I couldn�t imagine going out of town as planned with H like that. Steve talked to us separately and the weekend was ok. Now it is back to a stressful status.

Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
One day you might be able to let him know why something he did or is doing hurts you, but it seems that at this point it is not helping. You see what happened here?
You: How you carry on your relationship with your daughter hurts me.
Him: Why?
You: Because I don't feel like your number one priority.
Him: It's not a competition.

He answered your why of your feelings (thereby dismissing them) rather than addressing how he could change his behavior in response to your feelings.
You have most of it right. I told him that I didn�t haven enthusiastic agreement about SD21 being in our lives at the current moment. He asked why and it went from there.

Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
I'm not all that good at seeing DJs, but this answer of "it's not a competition" feels like one to me. Maybe it's because it's an assumption that you think it is even when you didn't say that? I don't know. I would love for someone to enlighten me on that, but I don't want to t/j, either.
I agree that it is a DJ. This is how most conflicts stop. He doesn�t seem to be able to identify that he is even doing them. I believe he feels like they are his feelings so it is valid to say.

Originally Posted by Prisca
It's always a good idea to let your spouse know that you are not enthusiastic when you feel that way. I see that with your suggestion you are trying to just provide information. But, by saying "Sure, you can go, but you are going to withdraw love units ..." it can come across as very disrespectful. It can be seen as "I'll let you go, but you're going to pay ..."

By simply saying "I'm not enthusiastic, but I'm willing to negotiate," You inform your spouse of your feelings (I don't like this plan) and you also inform your spouse that you do not want to leave them feeling disappointed (I'm willing to negotiate to find a solution that will make us both happy -- not just me, but you too).

Now, he may go ahead and do whatever it is you are not enthusiastic about. You can't stop him. But he will do so knowing that you were not enthusiastic, meaning he has trampled all over your feelings and withdrawn love units. But it's not because YOU were unwilling to find a solution.
Completely agree!

Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
Really the only thing you can say is "I'm not enthusiastic about that. I'm willing to negotiate."
I agree this is what should be said. My challenge is to step up and say it! 

Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
When is your next session with Steve?
We talked to him twice last week. Nothing else is scheduled. We have a lot of homework and no time to do it. He gave us a grocery store exercise which we modified to do virtually. We are only half way through it. I need to come up with a plan on how I am going to meet Hs ENs and we need to finish sharing our ENs (we only shared 5 so far). We have tried to keep the thoughts of negotiation in our minds the whole weekend and I even negotiated for my parents to practice (my mom is now going to get a motorcycle)

Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
It's time you and your husband learned how to negotiate this issue. From what I'm reading, this is what I get about the relationship with the daughter:
1. She's a bully. He feels like he has to appease her in order to get her attention and have a relationship with her.
2. She's a threat to your relationship. She sees herself as a competitor with you for her dad. You see it. He doesn't. It is, in fact, a competition - TO HER.
3. In order for you to be enthusiastic, he has to put YOU first in that relationship with her. He has to stand up to her, when she's rude, dismissive, or otherwise excluding you from activities that involve the rest of YOUR family.
4. He has to let her know in no uncertain terms that he values and will protect the marriage and if her behavior is abusive of those values, he's willing to go without contact with her until she's respectful.

Am I on target?
YES!!!!!!!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
More thoughts:

If he were to follow MB on this, his posture to his previous abuse would be to protect you from himself and all other abusers he's tolerated abusing you in the past. He'd turn up his sensitivity to anything that has a whiff of abuse and eliminate it.

I've frequently said that he/she who cares the least about a relationship has the most power.

In this case, the daughter has the most power because she's totally willing to cut him out of her life if he doesn't play this HER way.

That's abusive. Not a loving daughter who values a relationship with her dad.

Until he's willing to let her have her tantrum and still maintain his own power and value to her, then he is worthless to you as well.

It might as well be abuse by proxy if he's willing to tolerate her abusing you.
This is exactly what I have been trying to get him to understand. He doesn�t want to see it and now he seems to view me as a threat to his relationship with his daughter even though she is the one that controls it.

Originally Posted by MrAlias
Wiped,

You really are going to have to ask yourself how much you're going to put into this? Based on what you've described your H isn't behaving in a way that will ever make for a loving, happy M. How much more of this can you tolerate? All good questions you must ask yourself.

It would be nice if your H were to see the light and do the things that we see as important. However you can only control yourself so you need to set forth a plan, a timeline, of what you're going to do. How much more of this are you going to take? What if he never changes his ways?


Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Of course this is all one sided. I have many faults of my own. I know there are things I need to change myself. I do not want him to hurt and want to make choices that don�t hurt him, yet I feel controlled because I feel that way. �how much more� is a question I ask myself daily. I want to ensure that I do my part. I want him to feel loved. Should it come to that point and still feel as bad as I do now, I will know that I have done all that is in my power, but until then, one day at a time, sometimes hours at a time.

Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
How did things work out? Did you tell him that you weren't enthusiastic, but you were willing to negotiate?
I did tell him I wasn�t enthusiastic, I never said I was willing to negotiate. He planned to go anyway. Karma got him in the end and he had to work late so he missed going.

Overall the weekend went ok, thanks to a Thursday call with Steve. Steve talked to us individually about our parts and reminded me at Hs work at eliminating AOs. I asked him if there was anything I did over the weekend that hurt him and he gave me one thing which was that I fell asleep on him at my gmas where he felt like he had to fend for himself with communicating to my redneck family. I told him I was sorry, I had no idea that hurt him. Now we are back to status quo. Living day to day. I am consciously making efforts to provide affection as he needs it. This makes it really hard to do when I don�t love him romantically.


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I just got a text from H. He is taking tomorrow off to go to an awards event in the morning for SD11 and spending the rest of the day with SD21. It was not formed in any sort of way to ask or get my perspective.

It is times like this that makes it so hard to do my part. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows it hurts me. This may be a DJ on my part but it is very clear that the subject of SD21 is a source of hurt.

Sharing my feelings of unenthusiastic agreement on this and telling him I am willing to negotiate, I feel, is not the right course of action as this is such a heated topic. I am not sure what I would negotiate as I just want her out of our lives right now from all the hurt. I am currently having blinder problems to finding solutions as my taker is in hyper mode. My taker wants me to run away from the pain though.

I hurt in so many ways. She is important enough to take vacation time to spend time with her. She is important enough to cater to her needs to have a relationship with her. He is happy with her. He is not judging of her. He doesn�t demand from her. The pain from all this is so indescribable.

What is it about his perspective that I am missing? He wants to have a relationship with her. He wants to see her when he wants to. He wants to see and have a relationship with the grandkids. He doesn�t want me in the way of having a relationship with her. It is not a competition. He doesn�t like how she shuts him out when she doesn�t get her way. He loves me like a wife and he loves her like a daughter.


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Where is the win-win for both him and you?

Thinking out loud for a few possibilities to consider:

1. He takes you for granted. He thinks regardless what he does, you will be there.

2. He doesn't think there is a win-win so he avoids the negotiation.

What is key is to demonstrate that the POJA will provide him (and you) with a better position than he finds himself now. Or avoids the situation getting worse.

If you cannot convince him that the POJA will provide him with a better situation than he has now or will have if he continues the current behavior, there is no incentive for him to consider that approach.

I believe that in the aggregate, people will behave rationally. We may not share their rationale, but they will make the choice that benefits them.

Putting yourself in his shoes, what benefit does he get if he engages in the POJA. It has to be something that HE values, not what you think he should value or what you value.

If he thinks he will lose by engaging in the POJA, he will not we a willing participant. If he thinks he has nothing to lose by engaging in his current behavior, why would he change?

The POJA has to be the path with the most upside and the least downside. If it is a penalty box, why would he choose it?

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I just got a text from H. He is taking tomorrow off to go to an awards event in the morning for SD11 and spending the rest of the day with SD21. It was not formed in any sort of way to ask or get my perspective.
Tell him you are not enthusiastic. You do your marriage no favor by keeping this to yourself.


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Originally Posted by wipedout email to H
DD12 has done her three private lessons with the package we purchased. DD13 is interested in getting assistance. How would you feel about having another lesson for her and having a first one with DD13?

BFF is trying to finalize plans for 6/8 for Holiday World. She wants to know if we want to stay the night vs having to drive both ways in one day. How would you feel about me staying overnight on the 8th and heading back on the 9th? I would expect to pay for half of the room as we would all stay in one room to save money.

Mom asked me to pick up her and her friends on 6/7 and take them home. They are coming back from a bus trip up north and dad will be on a motorcycle ride with the chapter. I believe I asked you how you felt about that but am not sure where we stood on a response. How would you feel if I picked them up and took them home on 6/7?

Our homework was to go to the store and �shop� for 20 items. We were able to accomplish part of the task, I believe we made it through four items. How would you feel about finishing up this assignment this evening?

Our homework was also to finish sharing our ENs. How would you feel about finishing up this assignment this evening?
Originally Posted by H response to above email
I am ok with getting DD12 and DD13 more lessons.

I am ok with you spending the night at Holiday World. In fact, I was going to suggest that so you would have more time at the park.

I am ok with you picking your mom up on the north side on the 7th.

I would love to go over our shopping list and ENs this evening.
Originally Posted by text messages from H
FYI, forgot to tell you, SD11 5th grade send-off is this afternoon. I am going to go around 5 as is BM(bio-mom). Also, her awards ceremony is in the morning. I am taking a vacation day and going to that and then spending the rest of the day with SD21
Originally Posted by wiped out email to H
I see you sent me some texts. How would you feel about me going to the send off and awards?
Originally Posted by H response to above email
Here are my thoughts on that. I don't have any problems with the thought of you going and think it is very nice that you want to be there for SD11. I have to say that my anxiety level about you going is sky rocketing. My chest is heavy and hurts and I my head is spinning just writing this email. This sucks because I am sure that SD21 will be there and the stress of it all is killing me. Those are my feelings.

Please help me with a response! There are two things I believe he is aware of: 1. That telling me not to go will hurt my feelings and 2. That SD21 will be ticked that I am there.

Her past behavior is to shut him out when she doesn't get her way so I'm sure he is scared she will blow a gasket.

I am really indifferent to going. I don't care to bond at all with SD11 as SD21 is my future with her and who wants to set themselves up for that?!? (OK, that is purely my hurt feelings talking.) I want to go because I should be able to! I shouldn't have to feel like I need to cater to SD21.

I want to have a relationship with both girls but the pain keeps me from even wanting to try. The pain of H catering to SD21 is very painful as well.

How can I find a solution that will fit both of our needs? He doesn't want me around to cause conflict. I feel that I'm not important, loved, cared for, etc.

I want to make the right decision on my responses to not enable his behavior but also take into account his feelings of anxiety.

I will responde to him stating he is going to spend half his vacation day with SD21 that I do not have enthusiastic agreement with him going. Do I further that by telling him I would like to work toward a compromise?

One might think that a compromise would be for me to join him. I would love that but he won't because SD21 controls him. She will shut him out of her life. Please provide thoughts on what you might see as brainstorming ideas for this to be a win-win?????!!!?!?!?!?!?!? I'm at a loss.


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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Ask him why he feels such anxiety. Then brainstorm with him to find an alternative.

If he doesn't mind having you there for SD11, then the problem is not with you going, but with SD21, right? Ask HIM why he feels that anxiety.


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I asked him what can I do to help his anxiety and he said he didn't know. I'm asking him now if he wants me to go and why is he feeling anxiety.

I can tell you it is because of SD21. The problem is with her. How do you brainstorm around that?


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
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You put all the possible solutions on the table. That would include, but not be limited to him standing up to SD21 and saying he will not be emotionally bullied by his own child.

If he wants it all, a good marriage and a healthy relationship with his daughter, he just may need to step up his game and stand up to her.

From my corner of the internet, it looks like he's operating out of fear. He appears to have more fear of losing her than losing you. So he appeases her and does the bare minimum to get by with you.


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I can tell you it is because of SD21. The problem is with her. How do you brainstorm around that?
Is it because she will say something tacky or cause a scene?

Markos and I have had similar problems with my inlaws. I'm okay with being around them now, but we have boundaries set up. If they cross the boundary, we will simply get up and leave.

Or there could be a simple phrase for him to tell her if she starts getting mean ... "Please do not talk to/about my wife that way." Repeat as necessary.

These are a few options. There could be others. You need to discuss it and find out what will work for both of you.


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She will not say anything tacky. She is just put out that I am involved with her dad. She has made up stories in her head as to why she doesn't like me. She thinks that her son loves me more than her so she cut me off. She thinks that I override her authority but her dad tells her to get up and get her kid if she doesn't want him to go upstairs.

H will say that I haven't done anything wrong. That it is SD21 that has the problems.

Basically, I believe H has stood up to her sometimes and she sees that I am the reason so I am a threat to their relationship. She will just not like that I am there and her son will see me and want to be with 'MiMi'.

He won't like that I suggest he stand up to his daughter. I have thought all along that is what he needs to do but he knows she will throw a tantrum and it hurts to be shut out of the grandkids lives. (Trust me, i know because it still is that way for me)

Last edited by wipedout; 05/30/13 02:49 PM.

W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
Joined: Feb 2013
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from H

My perspective (off the top of my head):

� I think you have the right to go. You are her step-mom and you are there to support her.
� I feel that if you are there and SD21 is there with the kids, GS2(grandson) will want to come see you and I will have to deal with her not wanting you there or having anything to do with GS2 and BM will side with her. It will cause me huge amounts of stress on me and the situation.
� I feel the stress of the situation may detract from SD11's celebration.
� I feel that if you don't go, there will be huge amounts of stress at home between us.
� I feel that I am stuck in the middle again.
� I feel that I can't fix this. Only you and she can fix this.

Last edited by wipedout; 05/30/13 02:40 PM.

W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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