Exposure IS scary when you do it.

The response to it can (and usually is) vile from the wayward.

Keep in mind that the more vile it is .....the most damage it did to the affair.

May your pregnancy maintain its true wonder and magic and try to put aside the angst and focus on the amazing experience of creating a new person for our planet. One who will be able to live a good life with a sane mother who is true to her children and family.

Try to not let the nightmare you are in define you and your family (no matter the future result).

[/quote]
Wow! Fantastic!

So who was on your list? [/quote]

It's hard to tell b/c I can't access her friends list, but from my digging I think I found her mom, dad, sister/cousin, son and boss. The boss doesn't appear to use FB often, so I am following up today with an actual letter. With the stunt she pulled trying to list the loft, her boss has a right to know. I hate to drag her 19 yr old son into it, I think he has had a rough time, but she had no qualms asking about my children.

I am going to try again on FB today from a different computer. It's not strange that none of them responded to me, but she didn't either (kind of think she would- she is not very bright and has a nasty temper), and WH definitely has not heard about any of it.

You'll know when he hears of it - hold onto your hat! Just keep Reading's words in mind, that the angrier they are, the more damage you did to their little fantasy life.

My OW letter:
Skank,
I'm sure you know very little about me. WH has probably given the totally-believable-cheating-husband lines about our having a cold marriage and only staying in it for the kids, etc, etc. Just from googling you, it would appear that we have very little in common aside from my husband. Let me give you a little background; when I was a senior in college my parents endured a nasty divorce after 28 years of marriage due to my fathers flagrant and repeated adultery. He was a deacon in a baptist church and taught Sunday school, and the whole thing was in incredibly traumatic and painful. My younger sister was at the volatile age of sixteen when this occurred, and she just kind of never got over it. Next month will mark the two year anniversary of her suicide. Given my personal history, I have always had very strong feelings about adultery and divorce.

So you can begin to imagine my horror when, pregnant with our third child and at risk of hemorrhaging at any given time, I found photos of you naked in my home. Email exchanges referencing your love for my husband and communications regarding my children. It's like I have been living my own custom designed hell. Psychologists say that for a person in my situation, the pain is worse than that of being raped or losing a child. I am only grateful that my children are too young to be aware of what is really going on.

I thought I had been doing everything right in my marriage. I work tirelessly to run our home, raise our two children and be a best friend and partner to my husband. Having three kids in four years is utterly exhausting (I have been either pregnant or breast feeding or both for 4 straight years now), but I have loved every minute of it, and so has WH. After months of questioning how and why this could happen, I have come to the conclusion that I was doing everything right, he just found an easy opportunity and took advantage of it.

I can imagine the lines he used and the lies he told you and himself during this affair. What I can't imagine is how you could come into my home and have sex with my husband underneath pictures of my innocent children. Surely only a prostitute is that morally corrupt. How do you justify risking my children's home, family and happiness? Thou shalt not commit adultery is one of the Ten Commandments, so for a woman who outwardly professes to be a Christian, I don't know how you reconcile your faith with your actions. You have met me, met my children, and still chose to do this for months and months on end. I don't know your sordid past, and I don't want to, but something about you is pretty f***** up to do this to me and to my family. You told me when I texted you that your relationship was over, so it was quite a shock last week to find our loft listed with you as the realtor. You have done everything to try to destroy my family, and now you think you deserve to profit financially from it? I can only assume that you lied to me regarding the status of your affair, just as you lied about when it began.

The only innocent party here is myself and my children. DH is living with the consequences of his actions and working valiantly to try to repair our very damaged marriage. I pray every day that God will convict you for your sins that and you will disappear never to be seen or heard from again. I, too, am fighting for my marriage, because just as I don't believe in adultery, I don't believe in divorce. Living through this hell has at least proven how much **EDIT** and I love each other and how much we want to be together. One day we will be old and have grand kids, and I will look back on you as merely a bump in the road that caused our marriage to grow stronger than ever.

Almnac, I think it would be better if you keep the letter to the OW short and sweet. She is probably not that literate and not going to read the whole thing, so you want to front load the important stuff up first and make it short:

* Stay away from my husband. Never see or talk to him again
* You are destroying a family with three children
* I am pregnant right now
* If you end up with my husband my children will never accept you, ever

If you haven't already mailed this, I would recommend a few changes.

It's sent and she has recieved it. I knew I should have posted here first to review, but I just needed to get it done and over with quickly. Parts of it are aimed at pushing her buttons particularly (despite the letter I have don't my homework and know quite a bit about her). She blocked me on FB, which is fantastic b/c it was the first that I was positive that she recieved it. She emailed and called WH and he told me about it. He was v. upset that I contacted her b/c it prompted her to contact him, but he has not done an NC letter yet, which I pointed out. It got heated for a bit, but ended ok.
Her cousin or sister responded to my exposure letter saying that I was mistaken. She was pretty nice and I offered to send her photos and other evidence. She never asked though and I haven't done so. She said that she spoke to OW and that she wants me to call her. I don't see any point in that. What can she possibly say except to give me more hurtful details? Thoughts?

When is he sending the NC?

Personally, I thought your letter was great! I wish I had written a letter such as yours to my WH's AP skank. It would have brought me closure.

I would advise, not reading or responding to any response from her if she tries. Her justifications and/or info sharing will just make you

~RQ

I don't know. It was item one of the 6 things that I asked him to do in order to enter a true recovery. Most of them are not difficult. Last night I left SAA open on his counter with the NC example highlighted. I want him to want to do this stuff, not for me to nag and force him. All these actions just make me think that he is still seeing her.

There's no point in calling her. You've said what you needed to say, and all she will do is argue with you and berate you.

Bravo Almnac!
I like your letter.

Now end all communication with her. No reason to let her get the last word in. Walk away with your dignity!

Your husband MUST commit to "no-contact" with OW immediatly.
Be prepared to defend this boundry! Put him out if you have to.

Thanks everyone for the feedback on OW. I agree, I'm done with communicating with her.

Today on WH's iPad I found photos of two pages of very cryptic notes, but one was her name and a login. Not in his handwriting. Started googling like mad and found addresses for homes she has listed, some flight numbers and some phone numbers. Super random. Tonight I confronted him about not having written his NC letter or agreed to any of my EP's. he said that he will work on it over the weekend. I told him that if he could not agree to them, then we needed to physically separate. Then I asked about these notes I found and he just went into hyper-liar mode. His eyes get very shifty and he said they were old photos b/c he just updated his computer, and then that maybe some of them were new b/c he needed to email a photo of some notes on a case and these had been in her office. So I told him that I flat out didn't believe him and that his words and actions did not line up and that I am terrified that he is not going to get his head on straight until it is too late. Then I emailed him all the addresses listed and the fact that they are recent listings, hence could not have been old notes from when she worked for him. In the email I said that I didn't want to talk about it b/c all he does is lie.

Sunday will be the deadline and he can either agree to my EP's or he will have to leave. I don't get it, he has everything he ever wanted, but he is so deep in the fog that he can't even see. I don't think he has any intention of leaving me, but I don't think he has ended his A either. My crappy GPS is worthless. I guess I will buy a different one as well as a VAR. I'm starting to feel like this is hopeless. He is going to ruin both of our lives.

I may have missed this answer ... is Sunday the day you're planning on going to Plan B?

It's so messed up and convoluted that it is hard to follow. Due to my nearing the end of this high risk pregnancy, Dr H recommended that we be "roommates". I have been terrible about that and we have had quite a bit of affection. I know that I have handled the whole thing poorly, but I am trying. So he recieved my modified Plan B letter almost a week ago, and we have been in roommate mode since then (separate rooms, no SF, etc). I just keep thinking that we are on our way to recovery and he just needs a little more time or help and he will get there, but then he behaves like a wayward. So yes, Sunday will be plan B. I was not supposed to do this while pregnant, but this baby could come tomorrow or not for 5 more weeks, and I just can't deal with this limbo for another 5 weeks! Plan A didn't work, exposure didn't work, Plan B is all I have left.

Exposing to my father?
I have not exposed to my father. If you have read my thread, you know that our relationship is complex. We are friends, and I admit that he is a fantastic grandfather, but his divorce from my mother and some subsequent poor behavior means that we are certainly not close. He is coming tonight for a short overnight visit to hang t with my children. Here's the deal- he is the one who first gave me HNHN and turned me on to Dr Harley (not that I utilized it until D Day!). When he gave us the book, he said that if he knew when he was married to my mom, what he learned in that book, that they never would have gotten divorced. He has been married twice since my mom and is currently married to a perfectly ok woman, but he is pretty honest, at least with me, about knowing that he ruined his own life with all his adultery. He and my WH used to be very close, and still are to some extent. I know that WH will not want to hear him, but maybe something he could say could cut through the fog given their long term relationship, my fathers mentor status and the fact that he has been there and lived to regret it. I really don't want to confide in my father. I don't want to cry in front of him, I don't want to be vulnerable- he has hurt me too much. But I am so desperate right now that I am running our of options.

WH and my fathers relationship predates ours. They worked together and were friends long before WH and I ever started dating.

Your father sound like one of THE best people to expose to. He may be the best person for your WH to listen listen to.

Father dearest strikes again! I filled him in on the situation and he has told me to "bear up", "choose my battles", ans "be patient". Doesn't want to talk to him this trip (so short, the kids and all), but when he sees him again in a couple of weeks he will. Awesome. Doesn't want me to Plan B until after the baby. I told him that it could be another 5 weeks and that I can't eat or sleep and physically cannot handle another month of this. He agreed and was his usual nice, suave self. Maybe their talk in two weeks will help (WH has to go down there for a case they have together). Can't hurt, but I am hurt b/c I guess I was hoping for some immediate help. I am just at the very very end of my rope right now. If it weren't for my precious kids and this pregnancy I would so be in Costa Rica right now.

I think you need to go to Plan B ASAP. It doesn't sound like you can take it much longer, let alone 5 weeks.

I think the main reason you were told to wait to go to Plan B was because of the risk to the baby, right? But you're past 34 weeks now, and the baby can be born safely any time, right?

If you have any doubts about Plan B now, you can always contact Dr. Harley again. He would probably love to talk to you again, and he probably needs to know that you are feeling at the end of your rope.