In other words you are going to sweep it all under the rug AGAIN and pretend like you are being a "Christian." In truth you are an enabler of evil. Let us know when you decide to stop being an enabler and do something about this mess. We will be here.

You can forgive people today but they are still going to hurt you tomorrow.

Be "friends" later with OWs?

It sounds like you would rather just convince yourself that lies are true in order to avoid dealing with your reality. Good luck to you, but I've never seen someone so desperate to avoid the pink elephant in the room.

Seems like the denial reaction when a woman has a breakdown because she did Plan A for far too long.

Conflict avoidance causes more conflict. But I believe you already know this. All you are doing by following this plan is destroying your mental and physical health. There is a very high price for being an enabler. Like the scriptures tell us, have nothing to do with the works of darkness: Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

There are a bunch of Dr Harley radio clips on the subject of forgiveness on this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163853&Number=2518985#Post2518985

Please read.
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

When you forgive, you have to really forgive. Or you will continue to wreck the relationship again and again. And yourself too.


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.


Forgiveness unleashes JOY. It brings PEACE. It washes the slate clean. It sets all the highest values of love in motion. Christianity at its highest level.


In a sense, forgiveness is In forgiving, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence.


It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future.

I guess you have to find in your heart and mind how you define 'forgiveness'.

If by chance your definition is to act like it never happened, unfortunately,( Dr Harley has discussed this many times the long-term effects on a M) your emotional home (in your heart and mind) will rot from the floorboards up eventually collapsing your emotional home.

He goes into great detail about the dangers of sweeping things under the rug and going back to a crippled state of M as you were pre-A. Typically ends in disaster.

Using the proven formula of MB�s takes great courage. Doing the right thing sometimes takes great courage.

The price of not doing so? Well you will have to live that reality good or bad.

Unfortunately statistical success in your situation is greatly against you taking this path you are choosing.


I hope you can be the one in a million. Can you?

I have read other definitions of forgiveness that suggests that forgiving is not saying someone was right or wrong...not agreeing or disagreeing with what they have done�not just moving on acting like it never happened�more that Forgiveness is taking the bourdon of carrying around the weight of an offense off your shoulders to enable you to move forward in life without it weighing you down.

It is a horrible cross to carry when you ALLOW someone else to dictate your happiness in life.

Now, how you get to this point of taking it off your shoulders is another discussion. We all have to take our own path to find this peace.

For me, I will never forgive my FWW. She has complete ability to repay me for her horrible choices. However, I am taking the bourdon of the effects of the A on our family off my shoulders one brick at a time which that will take many years to complete.

edit: I am able to do this by using MB and my FWW making just compensation where we are creating a better M than we ever thought possible.

Dr Harley discourages forgiveness after an A. He uses the analogy that if you should not forgive a debt if someone has the ability to pay you back. In your case your WH has the ABILITY to pay you back. He should not be forgiven.

"I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal."

Above is Dr Harley's recommendation on "forgiveness." http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

From the article that MelodyLane posted ^^^^^^^^�

Good heavens; please don't put the name of Jesus on that! Doesn't sound like what He'd advocate!

Jesus wants people to be hurt and abused, for life?

People who divorce for adultery are not Christian?

If you remain in this situation, you are going to wind up back in the hospital.

My mother's ruined her life because she kept going back to her insane crazy hateful wayward mother when people told her she needed to "forgive" and that a Christian should always see their mother. She ended up just as twisted and evil (and non-Christian, I might add) as her own mother.

You need to get some help to save you from the man who is repeatedly putting you in the hospital.

"Forgiving" him won't make him stop philandering.

I can't find anything here in Jesus's words in the Bible that would lead a person to conclude that "Christianity" means staying with an unrepentant philanderer:

http://biblehub.com/matthew/19-9.htm

He said the exact opposite!

"Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character." 1 Corinthians 15:33

That is the reason we are commanded to not associate with the works of darkness. That is how we end up sucked into the pit of darkness. When women remain with abusive husbands, they have nervous breakdowns and suffer post traumatic stress disorder. Satan dances when this happens. This poster has already suffered nervous breakdowns from associating with her evil, corrupt husband. This is a buy one get one free for the devil!

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

And passing out unwarranted, cheap "forgiveness" will not right that wrong. Nor will it feel to good when you are back in the mental hospital for associating yourself with darkness.

Hopes, if you insist upon using this excuse to keep from tackling this difficult issue, PLEASE keep your reasoning to yourself from irl folks. So many people are misguided and naive about what Christianity really means; please don't add to their confusion with your interpretation of Christ's teachings. There's too much of that out there now as it is.

When I was at the hospital I talked to this pastor. I told him I didn't know what to do. He said let God tell me to take a step and then wait on Him to tell me to take another step. He said that is how the Lord gets us to trust him. The first step is forgiveness and I also asked to be forgiven for all of my sins. I don't know what the next step is yet. I do want to go to a church so maybe that's it?

Plus I think the Lord is perfectly capable of handling my husband. Whatever he does is in full sight of the Lord and he will have to own it. Maybe not to me, but nothing is hidden from the Lord.

I can chase him around and worry till I make myself sick or I can give it to God and let him show me the way, and fix this. I am not really able to handle this right now so I choose to give it to God.

I gave my husband the option to leave several times. He says he wants to be here. I guess I will just have to see what happens.

So your plan is to stick your head in the sand and allow your husband to destroy your mental and physical health? That is not the Lord's plan. We showed you what the scripture says and you are ignoring it.

You took a step, you posted here. You got a lot of responses telling you this was down the wrong path. From good christians. Then you returned to post again. Perhaps that is God telling you something.

Your view of forgiveness is not real forgiveness. Perhaps you should listen.

Yes, the Lord is perfectly capable of handling your husband.

The LAST thing we here advocate is to chase your WH around, we told you to do the opposite.

Now listen to the advice given here.

God HAS shown you the way in the Bible. You are ignoring it. God will not force your husband to do anything against his will. He is not your puppermaster. God tells us in the Bible NOT to associate with the works of darkness. THAT is what you are doing by staying with this man. And you are using God as an excuse for your inaction.