I'm struggling with that idea. This is an ugly trait of his. Though he does possess a lot of great qualities. I'm trying to weigh out the options here...

Your problem, as other posters have pointed out, is that this man is still married to his XW. You cannot and should not try to compete with that.

Absolutely no way I would tolerate that level,of involvement with a xw or with ANY other woman. It wouldn't matter to me if the "'child ' was 19 months or 19 years.

And as for the pouting sulking, ignoring treatment of you when you complain...he is showing you clearly his true colors. He has failed the dating test....move on.

Unfortunately, I agree. I do want to clarify somethings tho. Not that I'm making excuses, I just don't want to give out false impressions. But he is only with her when it's college or something in is going on in his life. Though, he will hang out at her home when the son is there. Not sure if shes home or what.

Maybe they should have stayed married. Sounds like they get along well and have a child together.

Pffth, I've been asking myself that.. She's 8 years older than he. I wonder if it was her looks that caused him to fall out of love with her. Seems shallow. She's not an attractive woman. I know that means absolutely nothing. On a side note, he told me he was never in love with her, and the day after his wedding, he realized marrying her was a mistake. Hmmm, I don't buy it.

GOD do I need strength... My almost 15 year old son who is autistic is very found of him. My other son had abandonment issues because of my WXH. I'd kill me to see them hurt...

Well, it is not healthy for them to grow up thinking this is how relationship work, they'll go down this path as well.

The good thing is that we don't live together. They are used to him being gone. And this weekend, they are with their Dad so they don't know that I'm in my "time out chair"

Ali, dating is like a job interview for marriage. In my opinion it sounds like this candidate is not doing so well in his interview.

This is one heck of an interview... Sadly, there is so much invested.

How do I separate the positives of our relationship and weigh things out?? What he's doing to me know is totally bull crap. I know my mind goes into speculation mode as it's doing right now. I'm concentrating on his negative traits which obviously are hindering....

4 years is an investment yes, but it's not a throwaway either - part of this is you learning how to deal with boundaries and how to draw the line for yourself.

4 years in a lifetime is still like saying you're going to buy the $20,000 clunker because you put down a $500 deposit. Nobody wants to walk away from $500 but you'd be foolish to buy the $20,000 clunker just because. Especially when you've already traded in a lemon that had the same problem.

How long have you been with him? This has always been an issue, correct? His DS is 18 now and he's still doing this.

So what would change if you stayed with him and married him?

Is this really what you want?

Have you ever heard the expression "throwing bad money after good"?


I think you just answered your own question, right? People seriously shouldn't tolerate "total bull crap" no matter what positives there are. (And spent years isn't a positive.) Is he a billionaire?

Four years?? Wow.

Dr. Harley's recommendation is that if a relationship has gone on for two years and doesn't seem to be moving toward marriage, it probably will not and will just enter a decline. By two years if the couple hasn't learned how to create compatibility, the problems will typically tend to get worse.

I've got that punched in the gut feeling... God.. I wish I was numb....

That feeling is following what your brain already knows.

Did you read the POJA information?

Have you ever followed POJA with your BF?

Well, to answer your question, in the heat of our four hour argument Thursday, he said to me; "if we were married, then things would be different with my ex and the financial part of it." Of course, I yelled back the reason why we are not married yet, is because he wants his cake and eat it too. That may or may not be the case. It's a speculation. He does continue to talk about wanting me in his life permanently and to one day help raise my two sons. At this point, I feel (not saying this is true) that he wants me in his life, but he just wants me IN his life and nothing more. I had asked him what does that mean?

You know, here's the thing. I did not want to rush into a seriously relationship with him. I just wanted to slowly develop a foundation. He went in full throttle with me. I kept him at bay, telling him to slow down. He was 46 when I had met him. He was also in the midst of completing his master's and I was in school myself. Needless to say, we were both really busy. He's a very generous man. As we see, too generous that it effects me. Very well respected as well. He was an anchor here in our town which also left me very insecure. (No he is not a billionaire.. Hah) I'm totally independent from him financially though, I live in tiny conditions with my two sons. I refused to let him help me in anyway because I did not want to come off as needy. I guess my point is that he's very passionate about certain things. He did tell me the other day that I was cold & calloused. Does this help more???

As your signature line says:

"It's your life, you choose how you live it!"


You can make excuses galore for a less than fulfilling relationship with a man
or
you can move on if he is less than satisfactory and someone who has not proved their ability to meet your conditions for a relationship (he has had plenty of time).

Believe me I know about excuses. I'm trying to see if there's any hope here. I still live by my motto and I make my decision rationally. I don't want to just say; "See ya, it was a nice ride while it lasted." Because there was a great deal of time and emotional investment. But the respect is not there as it was. What I'm asking, as I've seen horrible relationships bounce back, is how to help understand my feelings and regain the respect??? I have to be a cold fish just to drop my relationship like a hot potato? I've dated a fair share of jerks & had no problem doing so. And the serious relationship (which I never thought it would last as long as it did, I ended because I just didn't see it working out in the best interest of my children. So, for the advice I'm looking is not to dump him but am I being unrealistic of what he's asking me? Is it ok and is he being disrespectful to me regarding his XW? I know him putting me in a time out is BS. I don't agree and I'm angry beyond angry as because he stays in control of things. But yes, this is is dark side, we all have them. and he's using this pouting, time out crap, I'll make you give into my bs as controlling behavior so I can get what I want,which is "shut up so I can hang out with the two of them and you need to stop acting immature! But he calls it a cooling off period. He just doesn't want to tell me again that the next three days are devoted to his son finding a car with his XW!