Hi....

MB has helped me through my most difficult times when I was married. I hung out on the forum "just found out" where I had received a lot of help and the strength to make a very difficult decision.

Today I'm on here because I'm struggling with an issue with a man who I've been dating a man for now 4 years. I love him a great deal and we have a lot fun and really enjoy our time when we are together. But when we do argue, it's about two things. A)his ex-wife and B)his son. Though, I realized I can't discuss his son anymore(who is grown 18)as he believes the kid walks on water.

I do have a hard time with his son because he's a only child and is SPOILED. A very self centered kids. For instance, I received a text from him the other day telling me when he calls that I need to drop everything to accommodate him. I showed the text to my sig other and he said "I don't understand why he acts like that." Believe me, I wanted to him why but I bit my tongue. His Mother caters to him. My sig other, does but not so much anymore but it could be toned down more. His son does play Mom and Dad up a lot. Extremely manipulative.

His ex is a taker. She has never been able to fully take care of herself. Before her and my sig other met, she had inherent a lot of money from her aunt and purchase a condo with that money and it took care a lot of her needs.

My sig other once made a very decent amount of money at one point and while he was going through his divorce, he lost his job and wasn't making nearly the amount as his former job but yet, he paid her a sizable portion of child support, way over the needed amount. (my ex makes more than he did and she was getting more than I am and I have two kids) She really has no "real" expenses as she has her condo & car paid for. Now, I TOTALLY get that he wanted to provide for his child the best as he could. But he STILL feels guilty over the divorce and leaving his son in such a situation. So once he turned 18, I thought that my sig other would cut the cord wit his ex-wife and finally focus on me. I literally was counting down the days when he'd turn 18. WRONG!!!

So now to tell what my issues are. My sig other is sneaky about certain things when it comes to his ex. What bothers me the most is that I feel he keeps me on the side lines while he still plays Divorced Husband to her. What I mean by that, is that she is always crying that he make more than she does and he should still be carrying majority of the expenses this kid gets while in college. So 30/70 or sometimes a 40/60 split. Now mind you, she received almost $2000 a month from him for child support and she doesn't have any major bills. But what I did find out from his loose lipped son is that not only did she have a tummy tuck, she received an eye lift and she complained that she had no money. What she does with that child support as the judge told my ex husband what she does with that money is none of his business. BUT NOW??? She's still pulling that card with him and he still feels sorry for her. Or guilty because I heard stories that she did not want the divorce.

Now, here's the other part that bothers me to pieces. I don't like the fact that my sig other doesn't tell me when he is driving up to his sons college with her. And today they went car shopping as a "family" for their son and I found out. Am I wrong, but they are not a family anymore? But to continue this without telling me is just flat out disrespectful to me. Going behind my back. They even went as a family to visit their dead dogs grave today. COME ON THIS KID IS GONNA BE 19 in two months!!!! Am I overreacting here??? Seriously!?

After letting this fester for a while, I finally blurted out in a text to him that hopefully he will be honest with me. We got to discussing this (a long four hour exhausting) argument and the reason why he told me he doesn't tell me these things is they way I act and that I don't like his ex_wife. With his actions, he's not making this any better for me. He is blaming my reaction for keeping a secret?? I think it's so he can have his cake and eat it too. Also, he lied to me about the split. He told me that it's 50/50. I know he's lying. I can't reveal how I know. But I saw the evidence. And it makes me angry that he allows to do this. I really should care, but he is paying off his school loan and high amount of bills from receiving his Masters. She knows this but still demands. Now, He tells me it's none of my business what happens between them. But yet he tells me he wants a life with me.

So, here's the hardest part. We don't know how to communicate. He is so good and twisting and turning things when he is openly wrong. Seriously, it goes like this; When I am angry at him, it's my fault, but when he's angry at me, it's my fault. He doesn't like to be confronted when he hurts me and when he does hurt me, I'm acting like a child. That gets me very angry. So as of yesterday, we made a boundary that he needs to be more open and honest with me when he sees her and communicates with her. Fair?(I had also mentioned that he should stop giving her updates about his life. He needs to cut that cord.) Ok we agree'd. Right? Nope. He came back and started throwing my faults in my face that I had already told him that I would work on. So back at square one. He can't be wrong. He also treats me like a child. And believe me, I do speak up when he treats me like one. Btw, he is a college professor now if that indicates anything. He ended our conversation like this "You need to think about your behavior when it comes to my ex-wife) WHOOAA! I stopped him right there and told him that there was better way to rap up our conversation such as; "Now that we both came to an agreement I hope we are able to be successful" I like that. Puts us on fair ground, don't you think? So with that, I'm in a time out again while he "cools off." The whole weekend...I can go on more about that behavior but I've written enough.

Desperate for feed back... I want to know if I am wrong and if I am overreacting...

HELP!!!!

Ali~

Welcome back.

It sounds like your BF is still married to his XW.

Have you read Dr. Harley's information on blended families?

Hi BH..

Thank you and thanks for the prompt response. I haven't yet. Is there something on college aged sons and EW's?

I had asked him flat out if he still feels guilty for divorcing his ex and he said; "No." But his actions "screams" louder than words. She begged him not to divorce him and from what I was told got on her hands and knees. Then later on, she would also use the excuse well you did this, you divorced me and put me in this position.... Grrrrrr! Somehow she still has him...

You're welcome.

Dr. Harley states that the marriage should be before the children. Since you're still dating have you tried POJA with him?

Why did he end his first marriage?

Does his XW have anyone else?

Yikes... Please refresh my memory.. what is poja?

OH I SO AGREE with that! I so believe that you are the foundation for your children. If you set an example of a healthy relationship, the children will grow up secure. I understand why he wants to be civil to his ex, but to me this is an extreme.

I do need to share a story about his son to give some good insight to how his son behaves that effects how he treats his XW...

He was watching my boys for me as I had to work. As soon as I got to his place, he had stated that he would like me & my boys to spend the night. After a few hours of relaxing with a movie, I was falling asleep. Next thing I knew, his son (16) was crying in the room because he felt like he was being replaced. Now we had been dating two years already and had gone on a mini vacation. So next thing I knew I was being asked to leave. I had asked why and told me the above. I said something to the fact that this was not a good idea and just giving into this behavior. He then came out and said; "I'm gonna do everything possible to make this boy comfortable as he's a boy from a divorced family".. I was stunned. Sorry for sounding harsh, but I did not have that much sympathy because there are a lot of kids out there that had come from a divorced homes. Like my two. And believe if you could read what my WS was like, you'd feel sorry for my two kids. My ex came on here to tell MB he was cheated on by his ow.. can you believe that??? Anyway, so I had to pack up the kids at 11:30 pm as I was beat tired and head back to my place.(I trained horses and was an riding instructor. Needless to say, I was on my feet from 8:00 am until 7:00 that day. So if that helps..

Well from what I heard, somewhere there's the truth and he had told me that he wasn't in love with her anymore. He told me that she was very into herself and checked out on him. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Right now, I'm angry. We had a month and half split back in Jan 2012. Our problems were the same. His ex and his son and him treating me like a child. He does not like to hear that I am disappointed in him and he can't handle when I talk to him when I'm upset with him. Very controling behavior. But this is the 10% that is not good. the other 90% is excellent. Hard to believe, I know.

Here you go.
The Policy of Joint Agreement

Whoops, yes, XW is seeing someone else. This is her first time after 7 years. Of course, as soon as her cs ended, she found someone....

I'm sorry about Your XWH coming onto MB complaining about his OW cheating on him. That is horrible.

How many men did you date after your D and meeting this BF?

Also have you read this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I had a serious one before I had met this one. But I had dated a lot of people before hand. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship as I was back in school and wanted to "find" myself again.

One thing is that I never introduced my children to the men I had dated. The guy before my sig other, I will say maybe a handful of times.

My relationship with the guy before my sig other had to end due to circumstances. It was rather unconventional. He thought he would be the forever bachelor. I was the longest he had ever been with a women. But he moved to Colorado (my fav state) and wanted to have us extended our relationship. But I knew in my heart, he wasn't ready to be a part of my children's life. I had to end it. I couldn't go on living like that.

*Oh yeah, the policy of joint agreement. Now if he's open to it. Not sure how it would work when there's only one person willing to utilize it!!!!!

Dr. Harley says one of the best ways to know if the one you're dating is the one, is how well you follow POJA.

So what do you think your BF will do about POJA?

Have you seen these?
Choosing the Right One to Marry

That's a good question.. I guess I can dust off the old book and when I'm done in my time out, I can go over it with him.

You know, if this relationship doesn't workout. I cringe writing that because I want us to work. But I don't think I can go through another relationship again. And to put my kids through that sort of hell? 4 years is a long time. My oldest son will be 15 at the very end of this month and he has austism and my youngest just turned 11. I understand we all have baggage. But it's never reveled until your hearts in deep.

Where is the section to blended families? I'm extremely curious if my behavior is irrational regarding this.

Oh yeah, he treats my sons really good. He's wonderful to them.

Your behavior isn't irrational. I think it's telling you something isn't right.

Here you go.
Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2

Thanx for the links....


I think I need to change my signature.. It's been a looong time since I was 35!

I'm really angry right now as I feel when he doesn't hear what he wants to hear, he throws an adult tantrum and puts me in a time out. He will not talk to me for days! He can't stand the fact that I speak my mind when he spends time with his ex wife and their son.( I'm very forward with how I feel) Their son is almost 19! So in my mind, he uses this tactic to get what he wants???

grrrrr....

There are three behaviours we use to get our own way;

Level one - childish - temper tantrums
Level two - teen - sulking
Level three - adult - POJA

Some people get stuck on level one, some only make it to level two and a lot of people never get to level three. Sounds as if he is stuck somewhere between level one and level two.

People change their behaviours when it is to their advantage to do so. The best way to sell the idea of using POJA is to start using it yourself. That means you start making all YOUR decisions, however small, using POJA when the two of you are together so that he sees how well this works. You can POJA the tiniest thing like what to eat for lunch if you want.

Remember, you POJA the problem. Don't make the mistake of POJAing the solution.

Hi LW,

Yes, I agree with you. What do I do when he says it's my problem I don't like when he's with his son and his ex wife? How do I respond? In ways he's right. It is my problem but he's totally insensitive to my feelings. I'll ask him if he can put himself in my perspective and he will respond sure, I'd be upset too but this is not gonna change as we have a child to raise. Their child now has an apartment at college. He says I'm immature that I can't handle that. I say he does this so he can continue to maintain a relationship with her. My feelings stem that I feel he has kept me on the side with his former family. Everything he does/did with them he's kept me in the dark. What bothers me is that he still caters to her financially and I think that's what's killing me. It might be insignificant amount but I feel somewhat betrayed. Insecure? Damn right. I still feel play second fiddle. Rather it's the case or not. These feelings are legit and he won't recognize them or he blows them off. Why would he want to change a behavior where he benefits from???

I think I lent my His Needs/Her Needs book to someone. It's not on my book shelf. The joint policy did nothing for my ex. It took me years to figure out why I stayed with him. LOL.. I'm glad it didn't work. That dead weight was sooo heavy, that my nose was always pointed towards the ground..

I just wonder how long will I be kept in the time out chair!?! This is a mental torture treatment. When he does this, he'll think I will cave in and accept his behavior!! As he would put it, "Until you learn to.....!!!! I'm very angry.. and just want to say a few choice words...

Seriously? Life is too good to have to deal with that, putting an adult in a time out?

Enjoy the good memories and move on. He has issues you can't solve. You deserve better.