I've read the thread on UA suggestions but haven't found anything that has struck a chord. I wonder what you all do for your 15 hours UA time.

I'm looking for something to do at home together 3 x week for 2 hours but not board games or watching movies as we're doing that during family time. (I'm not that keen on it). Needs to be low cost.

One thing I came up with is sorting out our family photos together which will work but we don't want to do it every time. Occasionally we could cook a meal together. Anything else?

You should not be spending UA time at home for the most part. If you listen regularly to the MB radio show, you will hear Dr H recommend that UA time be arranged as 3 or 4 dates each week, which are spent out of the home. You should leave the domestic environment entirely behind, even if you do not have kids or your kids are grown up. Domestic environments are not romantic.

A date involves putting on your nicer clothes and making an effort. You are in a public or semi-public environment and so on better, more thoughtful behaviour. Staying at home requires no effort and there is the tendency to put those toys away, put another load in the washing machine, fold away the load you took out earlier and generally do domestic things you would not do on a date.

A date outside the home can be concluded with SF inside the home (or outside, if you are lucky enough to be able to do this!), but SF is the only things that needs the privacy of the home. Other than that you should be out.

What did you enjoy doing when you were dating your H before you married him?

We make homemade sausages cider and wine together. Fun, productive, creative, lots of opportunity for practicing POJA. Initial equipment purchase is costly, but amortizes out. Next stop in culinary adventures: cheese making.

We also tackle little projects around our home together. Building planters for our deck. Putting in my painting studio. SHarley advised us it was fine to consider these UA time so long as we were both working together (not one in the shop while the other researched the project on the Internet.) This gives us lots of opportunity to admire each other's distinct abilities. Plus we like producing a result. And it builds empathy and a sense of team for us.

How about star gazing? It is free (you can download great apps to introduce yourselves to the sky in your location) and romantic. (Set out a blanket/sleeping bag for after dark viewing. Cuddle and gaze.)

Our go-to UA is exercise. You don't have to do this at home or a costly gym, just go for a jog/run/walk together. I would recommend getting out of the house (and so would Dr. Harley!), your child is old enough. Our kids are 6 months and 3 years old, but we do make the effort to get out too as much as we can, that's what grandpa is for.

To answer your question about what we do:

On Friday evenings we often go to the pub. We will have two drinks each (non-alcoholic for me, as I usually drive) and talk a lot. When we are in a place like a pub or restaurant, where we sit at a table with just reach other but there are other people art other tables, I find it imperative to "work" at a conversation. The atmosphere of young people having fun around us helps us development a friendly, chatty, flirty atmosphere between ourselves.

On Saturday we usually find a lovely country market town to visit, or we explore London. London is the most varied and interesting city, with Roman traces, a medieval city, Georgian and Victorian suburbs, extreme, jaw-dropping wealth and lovely parks and even castles. There are free art galleries and museums by the score, and lots of street art and exhibitions.

Yesterday, Sunday, we went for what turned out to be a 7 mile walk in the countryside. My H takes his beloved maps and I take GPS gadgets that I find fascinating, and we pack water (and chocolate if we are not feeling too fat), and spend no money. We came across grand country houses and lots of horses chatted to us over farm fences, and we saw a strange deer (a mountjack?) and the sun was glorious.

Today we're off to wander around Cambridge, home of one of our ancient universities and beautiful architecture, as well as shops and cafes.

Our dates these days tend to cost us only the petrol for the car, and perhaps a drink in a cafe. We did have a period of going to restaurants weekly, but we're cutting back so that has gone.

What you can do depends on your situation with children, whether you live in a city like London or a US small town, the weather - I gather it is too hot to be outdoors in many parts of the USA in the summer - and what you enjoy. We used to like running together in the park, but my H's knees have finally given way after too many years playing football, so we go for very long walks instead. Other couples here like exercising together in the gym. I don't like gyms at all, so that wouldn't suit us. Motorbike rides and ballroom or salsa dancing are very sexy activities to do together.

We are also members of a cinema club, and we go to the theatre two or three times a year. The time spent watching the film or play does not count for UA time, but if you go for a meal, drink or walk afterwards, the film or play create great opportunities for conversation.

There must be things you liked doing together before you got married.

Another one which is sort of silly- take some random public transportion to some other part of town. Find your way back using another method. Makes for some comical discussion... sappy, I know, but it's a cheap bus ticket right?

Frau, is your husband on board with following the policy of Undivided Attention? That's really the biggest obstacle. If he is fully on board, you will be able to come up with lots of ideas together. If he is not, you need to follow Dr. Harley's suggestions for what to do to get your husband on board.

Hi frau,

I am wondering why the UA time needs to be at home...is it because of financial issues? If that is the only reason, keep in mind UA time doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, just something you are BOTH enthusiastic about.

Some low cost outings could be shopping (maybe Wal Mart, Costco, flea market, garage sale, etc.) I know a couple that even enjoys grocery shopping together. I enjoy going to Starbucks and sitting outside, going for drives, going out to eat, we usually keep it pretty simple because these are things we both enjoy.

Cooking a nice dinner together could work for home UA time, but you would have to be alone, no TV, phones, chores, etc. and I think that can be a challenge. Another home date idea that I really like, and it's very romantic is a moon light picnic.

What did you do when you were dating? Any reason you can't re-create some of your favorite dates from your pre-marriage and early marriage before kids?

Thank you for your suggestions. To answer some of your questions:

Yes, my husband is on board with UA time but like me, frustrated because we have trouble finding things to do together which has been our difficulty all our marriage.

Our UA so far:
4 x week I cycle to work with him and collect him = 4 h UA (but 8 h exercise for me).
3 x week we have 2 h UA (total 6h UA) at home while dd is away.
1 x week for 1.5 h we walk up a hill while dd is at sports practice.
1 x weekend for 2 h hiking
1 x weekend for 4 h at a private place with facilities for ball games, spa, SF and other indoor things (that I need ideas for)
1x week for 1.5h I drive to where he works that day (near the sea) and we have picnic lunch together and walk along shore.
On top of those scheduled times are extra affection times in the am before getting up, SF at bedtime, and also extra unscheduled times for shorter walks to shops etc.

We are doing enough exercise together and walks. It's winter here and dark and cold at night. My husband works reduced hours so he has more time with us but = lower income. Neither of us likes going to restaurants too often, so only special occasions plus it's too expensive. We are low fat vegan for health reasons so not much choices either (I lost 20kg through this diet). Neither of us likes pubs or shopping. We are very strict about not doing other stuff when UA at home. We used to do SF and then eat dinner but it's feeling too scheduled now (for both of us) and there is plenty SF in am or late pm. We would enjoy doing things together at home. Sorry, have to go and take husband to work, more later

For outdoor or occasional activities:
I am trying husband's (and our dd's) orienteering which I'm a bit scared about as I'm so useless finding my way.
I'm willing to try his rock climbing again, again I'm a bit scared.
He's willing to try some ballroom dancing. He's looked up contacts, I need to ring and organize.
He's willing to do some garden work with me like pruning (I used to love gardening but since mid life have lost interest).
We both want to do more hikes (he used to do really hard mountain ones while I babysat and got resentful) but our dd is feeling neglected with us being away so much, so we only do short ones at present.
We both are learning to play speedminton while at private place 1x week. (Going there is our biggest expense for UA but worth it. There's a pool there for summer).
I'm willing to try out some scroll saw projects to join him in his wood work hobby.

So we're mostly lacking for things to do indoors. We don't eat jams, chutneys, cheese etc anymore for health reasons.
Planned things so far:
1) I used to enjoy card games when younger so we're going to try out some.
2) Try out new dinner recipes so we can both contribute to having friends for dinner (I used to do all the work and don't want invite friends anymore).
Research scroll saw projects together.
3) Maybe home projects but it's a contentious issue.

We never had much dating times together pre marriage because I only visited his country for 3 months when he was looking after his 3 little kids during the week. So only a few weekends spent together without kids, mostly hiking, sight seeing, once at beach, once seeing a movie, once at a cafe. Then a year of correspondence, then marriage and he got a job which demanded night time preps, I worked eve shift weekends. Always kids there for school holidays. Then our first dd arrived. We put work, kids, renovations first, did activities separately while other one babysat. Sadly didn't know any better.

I like your thread, thanks for posting it, you are giving me some ideas too. I'm keeping a list of things that I would like to do with my H even though we haven't been very successful atUA time yet. When I get a bit more I will post them here...

Do you enjoy the activities you are currently doing with your H during UA time? Have you tried brain storming ideas with your H for new enjoyable ideas?

Frau,

Your DD is 14, most 14 year olds cannot see outside their own bubble and remember that UA time/marital recovery is far more important than her complaining about being "neglected". She will be out of the roost in a few years and your marriage is recovering from an affair. Marital recovery - long romantic hikes - are a priority. She will thank you for it when you are in a fulfilling marriage.

We have had a hard time with home/indoor UA also, but can't always follow the instructions to go out to an intimate setting. We found that we could effect some pretty quality UA as long as we followed a few rules.
We work on the same thing (no "parallel play"); if she's preparing vegetables for a meal we're making, I'm not vacuuming the rug- I'm in the kitchen cutting up other veggies.
We can't pass each other without a kiss, or a rub shoulders/hips, whatever.
Frequent eye contact and bringing up conversations.

We have gotten a lot of milage out of reading to each other. We both consider it very much UA. We've read some good books that way, including I Promise You.

We don't count t.v. time, but often watch shows that provoke discussions and conversations. We can each only tolerate about 45 minutes of tv anyway.

Just scheduling UA itself, or talking about how much UA we got the day before, has evoked quite some conversations...which turn out to be UA.

There are many card games -- you can learn a new one together. I taught NG cribbage, and just doing that was huge LB deposits/UA since I could show her patience and understanding. She learned we could have frustration together and still have it be safe.

As long as you can focus on each other, you can make it work; just work together. and it takes practice.

opt

Our daughter is very understanding and has been a huge support for me since Dday. I have homeschooled her since 5yo and we are very very close. She is very mature for her age, very confident and often helps me, not like your typical teenager. She supports our time together but gets a little lonely if the weather is bad and she's stuck at home for hours and we haven't always given her family time.

I enjoy some of them, like our cycles to/from his work and any walking we do. Some of his activities I have tried only a few times and so can't say yet if I will learn to like them.

We have tried to think of more activities a few times but neither of us has come up with much (although I think I've come up with more).

I'm dissatisfied with the 3 x 2 hours at home (from 6pm to 8pm) as it's not enjoyable enough for me. We used to have SF but I don't like it at that time anymore as I just find it too hard to feel romantic at that time, too scheduled. Until we can come up with anything, I've suggested we cook together or go grocery shopping. At least that way I feel satisfied that we do something and I'm not bored. Since our dd is away regularly at this time, it makes sense to use this opportunity. My husband has also picked up a book that we can read to each other. I'm out a lot already and doing lots of exercise and it would be nice to stay at home for once but if we can't find much to fill the time with, we might have to find an outside of home activity after all.

Good show on this very subject.
Radio Clip on UA
Segment #2

BrainHurts, thank you so much for the radio clip links. I fully understand Dr Harley's reasons for recommending to have UA time outside of the home but until we come up with ideas, it's difficult to implement.
I benefitted greatly from the other info though, especially on the 2nd clip. I've typed it out so my husband can read it too. Dr Harley describes so well what we both often thought in the beginning. Thankfully it's getting less often now.

I enjoyed our last home UA time much better. We tried out a new recipe and prepared the food together, played a new card game and then my husband read to me from a book. The variety helped me not to get bored.

You're very welcome.

I know your children all older and so this isn't exactly pertain to you, but maybe it will also give you some ideas.

UA Time with very young Children