Was your daughter's life in danger?

Actually the thought of you going there purposefully didn't enter my mind...although it is a valid question that you have answered. I believe you.

I think you believe in EP�s. I also believe you are following them. The challenging part for some of us here (others-speak up if I am wrong) is that this seems like an obvious EP that is a no-brainer from the beginning. re: not ever going to OM�s neighborhood again.


Or, not having any EP/plan in place IF any type of contact would occur. Plus the fact that you are questioning what Radical Honesty really means after an A.

Prista,

I am not trying to get defensive but I feel like I am being accused of having intentions that I did not have.

My daughters life was not in danger but it was a situation where it was necessary for me to pick her up. I am not trying to make excuses. Believe me, if I didn't have to, I would not have.

Thank you 20 years for your examples. I will be sure to use these with H tonight when we discuss this.

What you are saying doesn't make any sense.

You knew that OM lived in the neighborhood and with your daughter playing there and sometimes needing a ride home = risk.

If you learned OM had lived next door or two doors down from DD's friend's house, would you have had a different plan in place to ensure NC? I am sure you would have. This is what the plan should have been from the start. It is baffling to me that you don't GET that.

First off, no one "accused you of trying to rekindle the affair" so put away the drama queen card. What I and others have accused you of - and we are correct - is that you aren't taking EP's seriously. That is the truth. You can cry about getting a "2x4" all you want, but that is a true statement as evidenced by your actions. You KNEW the OM lived in that neighborhood.

You KNEW that.

We would not be doing you any favors by pretending EPs are being ignored here. And we aren't going to do that because we are supportive people.

#1 item on every EP list is "no contact for life with the OP." That EP was ignored in this situation. Your marriage is not safe as long as those EPs are ignored. There is no excuse for violating the #1 rule. Your DD's life was not in danger.

So its not just a matter of not being honest with your husband, it is a matter of your approach to EPs.

You are manufacturing "accusations" that have not been made. You are saying we accused you of wanting to rekindle the affair and then crying about it. We didn't make such an accusation.

I am sorry I am getting defensive. I think it is because I am angry with myself for not being in tune with some of the most obvious MB rules. I truly did not think about it and that is a problem that I need to fix.

It does feel like a swift kick in the gut when you think you are doing so well protecting your marriage and following MB only to learn that you are not doing some of the simplest things to protect your marriage.

It also hurts to be accused of being even close to the person I was before.

I do understand Radical Honesty but I was sincerely confused about whether this situation was one that needed to be brought up. It has been made very clear that this is a NEW threat and not a continuation of the old one. That this type of "protection" is the dangerous kind that is bad for a marriage.

EP #1: NO CONTACT FOR LIFE WITH OP

Let me put it to you this way.

I am in NC (sort of) with my XWH. I do not wish to see him and avoid it at all costs.

We have a designated pickup and drop off point where we are to meet to exchange children four times a month. I have a Plan A, B and C in place (people to go for me) so that even in case of emergency I do not have to go.

If one of the kids wanted to play in xWH's neighborhood and there was a small chance (in case of emergency) that I would have to drive into the neighborhood to get them, I would tell my children they couldn't play there.

See? That's the difference about being serious and not being serious.

It only hurts your pride.
If you do not want to be the person you were before, then take the 2x4s with grace and learn from your mistake. Don't get upset with those who are only trying to help you and your marriage.

If your daughter's life was not in danger, then it is not true that you HAD to go get her RIGHT THEN, and didn't even have time to talk to your husband or us about it.

Simply not true.

But you allowed yourself to think that it was okay, this time, to bend your EP a little. VERY dangerous thinking.

No, I DID have time to talk to him about it. I POJAd him to see what I should do. He said to go get her. We actually had a conversation about it. What I DIDN'T have time to do was to get on MB and ask you guys what I should do. What I DIDN'T do was tell my H I saw OM pulling out of driveway.

No, it's not true that you didn't have time to talk to us. This was not an emergency so great that you didn't have time.

And EPs are never open to negotiation. Your number one EP is no contact for life. You can't POJA your way out of that, even if your husband agrees it's okay. YOU NEVER BREAK THEM. You don't even bend them. Just don't go there.

Even seeing OM is breaking NC.

Did he know that OM lived in that neighborhood?

Fifteen years,

If your conscience if bothering you it is best to tell your BH, end of story. Otherwise you will be thinking of this 5 years from now.

Simple question does your DD know what went on?

God Bless
Gamma

Perspective:

You are judging yourself by your INTENTIONS.

Others are looking at your ACTIONS.

Big difference in perspectives. I would guess your H would fall into the second category.

The problem that you face and all WS�s is for the rest of your life, your sincerity is going to be questioned when anything questionable occurs. �The story you told is very questionable. The nature of the offence is so severe�the hurt is so deep that your H will be watching your every move for the rest of your Married lives together.

Any sign of Omission, hiding facts, not taking EP�s serious�Me? I would be Done.

Would your H?

The thought process of �shielding your H from the hurt of the facts or happenings in life� is bogus. That is only a SELF-protection mindset.

He like myself, never want to be hurt in this way again. Never. I never knew anyone could hurt me so bad. I didn�t know I could hurt so bad.

I live my life in confidence that EP�s and O&H will keep me safe. That is my only protection. Confidence that clearmind will always have my best interests in mind. Confidence that she will never hurt me again.

However, I will always verify anything that looks suspicious�for the rest of our married lives. She has no more strikes to give before she is out. None.

By waiting to tell him, I hope you have not lost an OPPORTUNITY to prove to him your honesty.

I think a lot of times people get angry because they want to prove their heart was in the right place.

But a lot of times, it doesn't really matter if our heart was in the right place. What matters is recognizing our mistakes and correcting them in the future, and being willing to accept whatever consequences come from our mistake.

So, you've come face to face with a very unpleasant mistake here. Serious enough that calling it "mistake" almost trivializes it. You bypassed the number one Extraordinary Precaution. If you will take this as seriously as everybody else on this thread is taking it, you will probably do well.

Exactly. Just doing this in the first place is taking a risk. If you are taking a risk, you are not taking extraordinary precautions.

I know a betrayed wife who, after several years of recovery, recently learned that her former wayward husband's affair partner was coming into their neighborhood to bring her children for activities.

That betrayed wife is now a nervous wreck!!! The fact that the OW even came into the neighborhood is a serious danger for her emotional health.

Every little risk like this is serious and not to be trifled with.

There are some circumstances in which we could all be trusted.

There are some circumstances in which NOBODY could be trusted!

We would ALL have an affair under certain circumstances! You, me, Dr. Harley, and everybody!

You entered circumstances under which you cannot be trusted. That was a serious mistake. People are explaining this to you in various ways, and it's important that you not respond by defending that your heart was in the right place, or that you can still be trusted, or whatever. You need to face this fact: you can't be trusted in those circumstances. Ever. And neither could anybody else!

Another key point is that the POJA is not to be used on risky behavior. You can't use the POJA to violate EP #1. That would be like using the POJA on cigarette smoking. Enthusiastic agreement won't negate the damage of smoking.

Hi XVY,

Bummer. Triggers suck for everyone.

Even though this might sound harsh, I think you better nip DDs friendship in the bud. There is absolutely NO WAY I'd want my DD anywhere near OM house...I want to be invisible, and 2 houses away is a huge trap. It would be a huge trap in my mind...and then gradually in my heart and then gradually in my actions and then.... yikes.

There is no way I'd trust myself being anywhere near OM's house. There is no way I'd trust myself even letting my dog anywhere near OM's house....and I don't even have a dog ! No way. Slippery slope.

Tell Mr. XVY of course, and tell him you faltered. Then tell your DD the unfortunate consequence of your actions that she has to deal with.

And Dear XVY, I say this with a gentle whisper from one FWW to another....you KNEW where he lived. You KNEW there was a chance you could see him. You KNEW it was a mistake to even let DD go over there because you KNEW at some point you might have to over there and pick her up etc. That is foggy thinking and it is dangerous and scary. Take responsibility for it and take drastic measures.