A couple of weeks ago my wife told me that we needed to talk. I had sensed something was wrong with her but had no idea that she was going to drop the bomb on me with her words. She told me that she had an affair while on a weekend trip with her father to a Viet Nam reunion. I literally hit the floor when she told me and have suffered unbelievably every minute since. My wife's mother passed away five years ago so my wife went with her dad each year. It is the most important weekend of the year for him. Anyways, I discovered that my wife had been private messaging one of the other sons of the group on Facebook about a month before the trip in April. I did not think it was appropriate and confronted her and she told me that it was nothing to worry about. I monitored her FB account and saw that it had stopped so I was not too worried. But at the reunion, several of the children including my wife and the other guy all went out to a bar and stayed out late. When they got back, my wife ended up in his room and had sex with him and again the next afternoon. My wife suffers from depression and takes zoloft daily. The next week, apparently she could not take the shame and guilt so she went to see her therapist who she had seen several years ago. He told her that she had to tell me about and cut off all contact with the other guy. Now, I am totally devastated and my mind spins on and on with all sorts of questions and horrible images. I have gone with her a couple of times to the therapist and I think we are going to work this out in time. I always told myself and her that if she ever cheated that it would be a total deal breaker and I would divorce her with no questions asked. But, somehow, I still love her very much and have told her I would forgive her in time. My question is "Is there anyway to relieve my mind from continually spinning out of control"? I have no appetite, can't sleep, can't focus on anything, get sick to my stomach every day and am consumed by what has happened. Any advice for my mind to ease other than giving it time?

What do you think "giving it time" will do?

How long married? Any kids? Any prior marriages?

Greg,

First off this is not a weekend affair, it is an emotional affair which was going on for months or years before the act.

Her Father has to know about this immediately as WW can never go to another one of these gatherings.

God Bless
Gamma

Waywards lie. What your wife did was very selfish and premeditated.

Do you have kids?

We do have two children ages 5 & 7. I know now that this was an emotional/internet affair that I had discovered about a month before the trip and that it changed to a physical one when they spent time together during the weekend. We have been married nine years and had, what I thought, a nearly perfect marriage. As far as giving it time, I was simply hoping that once we get on with reconciling things and several more sessions with the therapist that eventually all the pain in my mind will slow down to a degree. Right now it is almost unbearable and I pray it will slow down soon. I have been previously married and my ex-wife dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb on me and asked for a divorce. My current wife had not been married previously but had been in several relationships. She will not be attending any more reunions with her father in the future. I do not think I will tell her father what she did. Or maybe I should? I have a very good career, do not work long hours or spend time away from her. I have always done nothing but love her and attempt to make her happy in every aspect of her life. She stays at home but has started working part time at the hospital now that the kids are old enough to go to school. Everyone that knows us tells her that she has it made. She wants for nothing. I believe it was a bout with depression that lead to this and I think, with time and much therapy, our marriage will survive and potentially be better than ever eventually. But, right now, it is like being in hell for me every minute of every waking hour. She has continually apologized and tells me nearly every day that she is sorry and cries while doing so. She is very ashamed and sorry but she is in a very dark place emotionally with her depression and confusion right now. Our therapist had to cancel our appointment yesterday which was a big let down because we both feel much better after a session. Any tips?

You should expose her affair to your family, her family and married friends and church.
Dr Harley would encourage you to expose to her father

You should also read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley.
The recovery plan in the book must be followed without deviation.

Your first step is exposure. You should do this without her knowledge or consent, all in one day.
Who did she have the affair with? Is he married? You need to expose to his family. If possible try to contact his parents and ask them to use their influence to keep him away from your family.

Greg-
Man, so sorry you are here.

Good news is that YES your M can be restored better than ever. MB will give you a plan of action.

First thing you need to realize is that most M therapist do more harm than good when there has been an A. They have an 80%+ failure rate and are typically divorce faciliators. Drop that therapist immediately and consider getting on board with the Harley's.

Their approach is totally different in that they can RESTORE romantic love between the spouses and strengthen the M.

Second, you are going to have to take some difficult steps to right the ship. Some of these steps are going to be hard at first but they are proven to work.

1)Expose the A to friends and family-Including your young children. Mine were the same ages when we exposed my FWW's A to them. Everyone must be aware of what happened. You do this for 2 reasons. 1) If there is still contact, it will speed up the process of the A dying. Most A's die a natural death. 2)Holds her accountable 3)Gains support for you.

2)Order SAA today. Read it cover to cover. Order HNHN today. Read it cover to cover. These will be your guiding light.

3)Insist she writes a no-contact letter (templates on this site) to OM

4)She must agree to enter a M recovery program - Preferably MB's.

Can you do this?

Your children should also be told that mommy had a boyfriend when she went to Vietnam and that is wrong when you are married.
It makes daddy sad

5) You have to examine the conditions in which the A was made possible and eliminate them - All of them. FB?

6) Determine what it was about you that made her fall out of love with you. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire on this site. Print 2 copies, each fill it out, sit down and read together.

7) Order Love Busters. -Read cover to cover. Be honest with yourself about what you were doing wrong in the M and never do them again.

These steps will get you started.

Also, get the MB radio app for your phone and listen every day.

You can also email the radio show with your problem and Dr Harley will address it on the air! OR, you can be a caller.

You have a long way to go my friend but if you take the right steps, you can restore your M.

Make sure you take care of YOU. Your health..etc. Go to the Dr and get Antidepresents for a few months if you need them.

There are many reasons people have A's but never any excuses.

Many people live in unhappy M's but never have an A. Why do you think that is?


It was her HORRIBLE boundaries around other men that lead to the A. She allowed someone else besides you to meet her EN's.

That is the reason she had an A.


Percent your fault = 0. You have to realize this.

No therapy in the world is going to change your situation until she decides to come clean and live an honest life.

Nothing.

See she has had a secret second life. That has to be eliminated and never occur. You will learn about extrodinary precautions here. These are the steps that you must take to A-proof your M.

Many steps my friend..

Drop the therapist right away. It takes 2 healthy, strong, safe people to make a marriage. Neither one of you are there yet. Most marriage therapists are actually divorce facilitators. My wife's therapist actually had her secretly saving money for her "escape fund".

Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. It is nice to have someone to talk to about this. I can not go public and tell my family about this. I am confident our marriage will survive and if I expose this to my family it will cause unnecesary resentment towards her forever which would do more harm than good. I may tell her father though.I am currently reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley and will order the other one mentioned here today. She has agreed to not contact him any longer and her phone is with my business so I can monitor every call and text. She has stopped completely. We live on the east coast and the OM lives in Arizona so, thankfully, he is not around. With my wife's depression, she had a christian therapist recommended to her several years ago from one of her friends in her womens's bible study group. He is an ordained presbyterian minister and he has helped her immensely in the past. I have been with her to see him several times and am extremely confident in his abilities. I do have a frame of reference to compare him to with going to see another MC with my ex-wife. The other therapist was horrible and probably did more harm than good. About a year and a half ago, we moved out in the country after we built our dream home. It is a wonderful town much like Mayberry. We made new friends, added a pool, and are going to get horses. My commute is now about an hour. She started working a couple of days a week at the hospital while the kids are in school. About 8 weeks ago, she told me that she was lonely. These are words no husband wants to hear so that night I sat her down and asked her about it. She told me that when the kids were at school and that she was home alone that she felt lonely and isolated. She insisted that it was because the kids were gone and that all she faced each day was laundry, house chores, etc. I guess living out in the country was too quiet for her at times and that a new bout of depression was setting in. She insisted (lied) that there was nothing wrong other than she didn't like things being so quiet with the kids in school and that it had nothing to do with me. I now know I should have made an appointment right then and there with the therapist and this may have been avoided. I wish she had spoken from her heart at that moment but she is much like a man meaning that she has a hard time really opening up to anyone. This is one of the major issues with the therapist now as well as several childhood problems that haunt her still. I will get the book and maybe that will really help me. Thanks again for all the comments! I really appreciate them!

There is a very specific and exact plan that must be followed to recover from an affair. According to you above you are not willing to do any of it.

Best of luck winging it................

If you refuse to follow Dr Harley's advice and program then why are you here?

Dr Harley has saved thousands of marriages and is a national expert.

Why are you protecting and enabling your wife's affair by refusing to expose?

Your response is something horrible happened to your WW as a child and now its affecting your marriage. There may be SOME truth in that statement but this horrible experience did not make her hop in the sack with POSOM. She made a concious decision to do that, plain and simple. I know as a husband you feel the need to shield her but here's a news flash: SHE'S AN ADULT. Exposure isn't going to hurt her, her actions will, all you are doing is telling the truth. Plain and simple, I have yet to see someone get punished for telling the truth. She knew of the consequences of her sexual tryst yet chose to ignore them because she is betting on you to act the way you are. Man up! Sorry if I come off harsh but thats the cold hard facts.

When you are ready to take your head out of the sand, the posters here will help you.
You say the same thing most all people say, you cant expose- because of reason x, y or z
You need to man up and do the steps that work, you are going to get eaten alive with doubt and resentment

you are not listening, so good luck with the therapist or whatever plan you are going to follow.

Welcome to MB.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Please read all the threads in here.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

OK and thanks for the responses. I am going to get the book tonight and read it cover to cover over the next few days. The reason I am here is to get other people's opinions and advice and I appreciate all the input. I will listen. I am sorry if I seem to have my head in the sand but I feel like my whole body is buried under the sand right now. And yes, she is an adult and made a concious, yet horrible decision. And there are going to be consequences and many changes going forward. I am really looking forward to starting the book tonight! Thanks for the attitude adjustment as well. I needed that!