Good.

Make a list with all your conditions. Post them here for feedback.

Working on my list. No contact from her today. She did say she spoke with OM after we talked the other night. I suspect he said something to change her mind. She can fence sit all she likes, I will continue to improve myself as I have been doing. And I have the family commitment he will never be able to compete with. I have all the time in the world to work on me. We'll she how much she waffles. I'm hoping she reads the first few chapters of the SAA book.

Well I was wrong about her making up. Still rocky in her paradise I gather. She and I spoke a lot today. DS's first day of school gave me the opportunity. She cried a bit when she talked about what happened back in Jan. when I asked her to leave. Somewhat justified, because the whole thing backfired because of my AO that night, my heart was in the right place though. She still wavers and is fogged. She blames me for the whole thing and talked about how I drove her further into his arms. How I made her leave, and made her miserable and feel unsafe in our home. Her concerns are likely rooted in some truth and will need to be addressed but only after we actually come to an agreement about what really happened and get to the root of the problems.

She said she read the first few pages of SAA. Still have a long road to go. I'm considering going through with the divorce as a first step on the road for recovery. It makes me sick, but I think it needs to be done as something to give her the "freedom" she asks for. Maybe it will be enough to help lift the fog for good.

She's still unstable. She's shutting out her support system, quit taking her antidepressant, quit her primary job, now her second job cut her hours so she's looking for another job, she also wants to go to Oregon for a week just to get away from it all and talk to her mother about everything.

Waiting it out sucks. Any advice on whether I should go through with the divorce? Or whether I should invite her to move back in? Or when? I will get a lot of flak from the family if I don't. My parents have financed everything up to now. Mother said I would owe her a lot of money. Ultimately they are concerned about my getting hurt again. Nobody seems to believe there is a path to a loving, trusting, caring marriage after this.

So much more to say and ask. I keep grounded that there will be years of hard work ahead no matter how we go about it. My hope remains though.

Hi mijunleigh,

I wouldn't go through with the divorce for the reason you gave above. I think the first step to recovery is no contact, not divorce. Anyway, I'm happy to hear that your wife is finally coming to her senses and the reality of the affair is kicking in. You've waited this long, you can wait a little longer. In the mean time, I think you should post your list of requirements for feedback here, and think about how you would ensure no contact. Would you have to move?

Also I would make it clear to your wife that if you reconcile, you will not be going back to the way things were, but that you will work on having a loving, happy marriage where you are both madly in love with each other.....or something to that effect.

A love letter might help to convey the message and push her over the fence. Don't people write love letters anymore?!

Good luck! I'm sending prayers your way

Nothing has changed.

All she is doing is testing the waters to make sure you are still an option.

She is not remorseful - she doesn't shoulder the blame - she would like you to share some responsibility. She has taken absolutely NO actions other than "talk" to OM (surrrrre she has....)

All she did was crack open your plan B and put to waste all of those weeks and months of progress.

Please continue on your path -- go to a true Plan B, let the divorce proceed -- let her keep wondering what the inside of your house looks like....

I think you should proceed with divorce.
This is the ideal time to divorce her and get custody of your kids

We are in similar situations, man. I think you should go through divorce and slow the process. Remember filing isn't actually divorce. Not sure if you are in Plan B or not but I would Plan A. That is the advice I got from the good doctor. Just file and set yourself up legally and also get temporary child support.

Hmmm, she's started flirting with me via text now. Said it was because she "was trying to break some if the tension. Make you smile, have a good day at work, you know. I was picturing you with that s*** eating grin of yours. :-)"

I liked it. Is this weakness or should I consider it good plan A?

She wants to make you the OM! Ha.
Don't let her play with you like that.

You need to take an all or nothing stance.

Obviously the affair is imploding, and she wants to get back to the place where you met a bunch of her needs and OM did the rest.
DO NOT PROP UP THE AFFAIR BY INTERACTING WITH HER.

What will happen is she will start sneaking around with you and waffling back and forth between you and OM.

Don't do it.

Make sure the affair is good and dead before you have any more interactions with her.

TY for the info Lexxxy.

Cheating on the OM with her husband. WOW there are no depths to the depravity of the wayward mind.

mijunleigh are you in plan A or B? Maybe you should write to the Harleys and see what they think.

I think you should write to the Harleys TODAY. Just email them, maybe they will call you back ASAP.

I just read your whole thread and I have to say that all along, it doesn't seem like your wife really wanted to leave you, she was just foggy! Obviously she misses you!

However, you HAVE TO GIVE HER YOUR REQUIREMENTS and not just "be nice" to her because she misses you.

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you want her back AS YOUR WIFE. However, you need X,Y,Z and A,B,C. Otherwise, you are done. Let HER decide! Obviously she is coming out of the fog enough to realize that POSOM isn't all that great, and that she misses you and your cute smile! She WANTS to come back, you need to force her to rise up, and do the right thing. End all contact with other men, put in extraordinary precautions.

I would not divorce her just now, but I'd see if you can get her to agree to reconcile and follow the MB principles. Otherwise, if you let her back in to your life, she will just do the same thing again. It HAS TO be all or nothing.

And if she is still living with OM I'd be very wary of letting her even have any time with you. Really. If she is with OM, she cannot have (see/talk/etc.) you too.

I am not caught up on this thread, but I see that JK and some experienced posters are cautioning you. I would heed their warnings.


It is typical for a WW to cake-eat, want her BH to continue meeting some needs that the OM isn't.

This isn't evidence of "coming out of the fog".

I can't caution you enough to please not get roped back in.

What are her actions? What has she done to show you she's serious about recovery? Did she send a NC to OM? Has she opened all her contacts to you? Has she changed her contact information?

Has she been STD/STI tested?

I'm sorry, but I think she knows the Divorce was getting close and she's trying to "work" you. We've seen way too many BH get hosed in the D because their wives played them.

Tell us what her actions have been.

Also, where are your list of conditions????

lonely4, I would caution you against jumping into a thread and giving such advice when you don't seem to be experienced with affairs and how to handle them when the wayward refuses to end contact, especially when your advice conflicts with others who have years of experience here.

Ending the D petition could have legal/financial ramifications for this poster and doesn't make any sense as a course of action for him just because his WW is cake eating and talking to him. The poster has people who have been through D and this exact situation guiding him.

Also please read (again if I already posted to you).

Please Explain Gaslighting

SusieQ

I liked the rest of lonely's post. I think it was correct and within the lines of the MB principles.

But I do agree that by remaining in the marriage weakens my legal stance. For the protection of myself and my children I do feel I need to complete the divorce proceedings and pick up from there. We would still be able to rebuild and reconcile from that point forward with the ultimate goal of remarriage when our dream of mutual happiness is achieved.

BH,

I'm still reading through that article, but I think she and I have both done this. I think you posted this more because she's doing it now. I'm trying very hard to be wary of everything she says and does.

Ok good. I just want you to be protected. So when are you filing for D?