I am a 23 year old. Mother of 3 boys. Me and my husband have been married for 4 years, together for 6. I have had mutiple affairs but have finally came to my sences and ended any and all contact with any of the other men. I love my husband dearly. I will never make such horrible decisions again. We have decided to stay together and make this work. My problem is that I now want to make our relationship better. Stronger. I want to be inlove again. He sees no point in all of the ideas on here. Undevided attition, emotional needs, love bank, all of it is pointless to him. How do I make a marriage work when he just wants to live day to day and just hope everything works itself out. I've tried and tried but I can't even get him to look me in my eyes when I'm talking to him. I ask to be treated like a priority and he says "what do u want me to do...Roll out the red carpet for u" I'm so scared that the marriage is to far gone to save. Any advice please

Welcome to MB. First, I would notify the moderators and ask to have this moved to SAA.

Next, can you tell us more about your three affairs? Length of time for each, who the OM was. Were your affairs exposed? To the OMs wives?

First affair started as a emotional affair. Left my husband for the man. Found out the OM was a violent drunk. Went back to my husband after about 2 months. The other affairs (several guys) where mainly just talk... texting...emails ..Facebook ..ext... I did meet up with a few of the guys. Its like I'm addicted to attention from men. Its makes me feel good I guess. Anyways... my husband somehow got onto my Facebook while sitting at the children's hospital with our 8 month old who had the flu and a collapsed lung. D he read every message on there. It was bad. But we kind of worked thru it. He's still kind of angry.

Has Facebook been blocked?
Does your husband have access to all your phones and email addresses?
Do you have contact at all with any of these men? Do you see any of them in your daily life?

Lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please tell us what you have done to compensate your husband for these horrible things that you have done?

My thoughts, right off the top of my head:
1. Cancel your FB account, and all other social media.
2. Ask your BH to password-protect the computer and you use it only in his presence.
3. Contact the wives or girlfriends of these OM and let them know that you had sex with their husband/boyfriend. Answer any question they have.
4. Follow that up with a no-contact letter to these OM, explaining that your affair with them was a cruel indulgence that has damaged your husband and children. Tell them that you will never have contact with them again, ever. Let them know that you have exposed the affair to their wives/girlfriends because they deserve to know what the person they are with has done to them. Show your letters to your BH. Mail them immediately after. Ask him to accompany you to the post office to do so.
5. Get tested for STDs.
6. Complete transparency: let him know where you are, what you are doing, etc, at all times.
7. Let your children know that you have done a terrible, hurtful thing by being with a man who wasn't their dad. If they are over the age of 4 they will understand that you have done something very wrong. They will also understand why things have been so strained around your house. Kids have a huge capacity to forgive. They also have a huge capacity to assume blame; if they're feeling that stress between you and your BH, they're going to assume it's because of something they've done.
8. Invite your BH to come here so we can help him.

Betrayed spouses respond to the damage of an affair in different ways. Some become violent and angry, others withdraw as a way of protecting themselves from the person they thought they could trust. Neither of those ways is good and will inhibit recovery. You might as well have sprouted an extra head as have an affair - either would shock him to the teeth. It's just not something a trusting spouse sees coming. He's likely still reeling from your adultery.

Have you gotten the book Surviving an Affair? You need to. You can get it here on the bookstore link or from Amazon.com.

And Lost - you are not in recovery. Please notify the moderators to have your thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. You'll get a lot of help there that is more suited to your situation.

Could you answer this?

I don't get the sense that you are understanding how much damage you have done here. Your BH (rightly so) would be wary after ONE affair, nevermind THREE.

Since you have been able to hide so much in your secret second life, in addition to not feeling safe, I am sure he is wondering what else he doesn't know about. Have you offered to take a polygraph?

Please read.
Trueheart's Letter

The thing is, sometimes WSs want to sweep the affair/s under the carpet and move on to the "meetin' needs" part of the program.

I am getting that sense from you. You really haven't given a lot of details about your affairs and if I am feeling like that, I bet your H is too.

You cannot skip over the Just Compensation part of this program. Your BH's wounds will fester and his resentment will continue to grow.

Ok, lostwife, I asked you how long the affairs were and who the OM were. You gave me this mess of a paragraph and I still don't know the answer. It sounds like it might have possibly been more than three affairs?

Please Break it down and be clear. This information IS relevant and this would be a good exercise for you in being O&H.

You can even cut and paste the below and fill in the information:

Affair 1 - (dates xx/xx - xx/xx)
OM - tell us who the OM was here (coworker, friend, neighbor, etc) and if he is married
date of last contact
then include any other pertinent information

Do this for each and every affair. Even if it was only a "sort of" affair, please tell us about it.

Have you had STD testing?

It's good that you recognize this -- that this is basically an addiction and that using sheer willpower is not going to be enough. You are going to have to create a lifestyle that makes getting your needs met by other men impossible.

We are going to have to have the details of all of your affairs in order to help you protect your M and help your H feel safe.

You can't move on to the meeting ENs part until you do this first.

LostOK,

You wrote, It was bad. But we kind of worked thru it. He's still kind of angry.

From your tone I would guess your BH does not have the complete truth and you are hiding important facts/details from him, this is not radical honesty. Did you leave the children with your BH while you were living with OM?

You need radical honesty in your life because you cannot ever again lead a secret second life, and the foundation of a secret second life is lies.

You need to tell the betrayed wives and girlfriends of these other men what you have done to them.

He's not responding to your suggestions because you have destroyed him and he is living in a state of terror that it will happen again.

God Bless
Gamma

Lost, are you feeling a bit on the hot seat right now? We're not attacking you. We're helping you face yourself. If you really want to repair your marriage, don't be afraid of us because we will be your best friends in your efforts.

And if you truly are sincere about recovering your marriage, you will embrace what we say. If you aren't, well. I guess you won't be back if the work seems too hard for you.

Come back and talk to us.