Thanks for the responses. I agree with everything said here I added the line as the carrot and the other recalling the affair as the stick. Just your right I should of worded it differently and I will use your paraphrasing in the future. Nothing much to report DS and I are enjoying each others company. Went shopping for summer clothes for him. I despise shopping but DS and I made it fun lol. After the email exchanges no word from WW. Knowing my wife like I do I'm sure she was crying when she sent the email about asking for my new car. I know it hurts her to see and hear how I'm doing well without her. She expects me to be miserable and nonfunctional and I'm quite the opposite. However, like BH pointed out there is a storm brewing in affair land and well misery loves company and that's what she attempted to do, make me miserable because her affair isn't all sugar and rainbows. God bless and I will keep everyone updated

Waywards hate it when everyone else is happy. It intrudes on their view of you pining away in (what do men cry in? Beer?) about how miserable you are, and your world's just not right without the wayward.



In other words, proceed as normal. Affair-land is crumbling fast. But you know that already.

Anyone have experience with child custody. I want full custody and have to do a report to my lawyer about what type of visitation to offer WW. Some advice would be extremely appreciated. Is there a way to make sure POSOM isn't around my son?

TD,
When my wife left the house I acted fast to get full custody. She was so deep in the fog and wanted to get out that she agreed to my terms, which included full custody. I did not want my children anywhere near the other man, especially since he was living overseas in a foreign country. Given your WW's POSOM's criminal history, I know that you have serious concerns yourself.

I live in California and here is what my attorney shared with me:

My wife consented to me having full physical and legal custody of the children when she filed for divorce. She even checked both boxes for them in her paperwork. However, my attorney felt I was overreaching for full legal custody and recommended that I only ask for full physical custody in the marriage settlement agreement that she drafted for me, which my wife eventually signed.

My attorney told me that even full physical custody is very hard to attain or keep as judges these day usually favor split custody. Because my wife had abandoned the family I had an advantage, but she indicated that over time the judge would grant split custody if my WW became more stable. She made it clear to me that even if once the divorce was final, the custody issue could always be brought back to a judge.

I documented everything. My only communication with my WW was by text messages, and had a custody battle ensued in court those texts would have served me well because it was a great source of documentation. I would sometimes ask leading questions in my texts just to get her reply in ways that would strengthen my case for custody. I had a very good supply of evidence that made her look like an unfit parent. I backed these text messages up in a separate file.

I had a very good attorney, but I took initiative. My attorney was conservative and cautious, but I was assertive and I drove the process. Her legal assistant commented about how fast I turned in all the paperwork and kept the process moving. My wife did none of it.

Regarding visitation, if you are seeking full custody, I would be generous and liberal with visitation rights. Even though she has made this awful choice, if she wants to see her children the courts will let her, and more importantly, she is the mother of your son, and he needs her too. In the marriage settlement agreement that was drafted, my wife had the children every other weekend and we split holidays. Even though we had the agreement drafted, I would let my wife see the kids whenever she wanted since the other man was not around. Since your WW's other man is in another state, you can do the same thing when she visits here. However, I also put in the settlement agreement that she would not have visitation rights if she was out of the country, and she also forfeited legal questions while out of the country. I don't know if you can something similar in your interstate situation. That's a question for your attorney to answer.

I do not know if you can prevent her from seeing the kids with her POSOM around. But if you have evidence that the he is a child abuser and sex offender, I would think that comes into play. Set very demanding expectations with your lawyer. Some will take the path of least resistance. Hopefully you hired a pit bull. I pray that the judge supports you in keeping your son out of his reach.

I know that a lot of folks here drag out the divorce as part of the strategy of saving their marriage, but for me--and you--I had to do everything I could to protect the children from the other man. This meant being assertive and keeping the legal process moving.

You are fighting two battles: one to save the marriage, the other to protect your children and property. It's a war fought on two fronts.

Good luck.

WW just called wanting to speak with DS. She kept asking him does he love her. He seemed disinterested wanting to finish dinner with daddy. She started sobbing at the end of the call and she stated she is going to see him soon. Also, she asked if he talked with SS. It's so sad to hear her like this but its her own poor choices that led to this. Can't wait for this to be over and she decides to come home. This sucks.

That's sad, TD.
Sounds like she may be cracking.
Hang in there. Hug your son.

that's awful. And to think the only thing keeping her down is herself. "You can end this anytime you want"

Good grief, I hope she wakes up.

For the vets, would it be appropriate for TD to mention to her that her exile is self imposed and she can end it whenever she wants?

Well I think she plans on coming here this weekend for a mediation we have. I thought it would be handle with her via phone but guess not. Last time she was here she stayed the night. Is that appropriate for me to allow? Legally I'm protected and keep a VAR on me all times. Got some good Plan A in but was rebuffed when I tried to kiss her. So should I offer the night over or deny if its asked?

Markos and I think you should allow her to come home and stay the night. Make your home a welcoming place. This is part of Plan A.

Hello?


Dude, H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS yes!


PLAN.


Make the weekend an EVENT. Keep thinks light and civil. If she tries to take it down a negative path, state; "I would like this weekend to be nice" and drop her negativity.

This is a HUGE Plan A op, brother!

Well had mediation today. WW didn't show, I'm happy and saddened by this. I Ed her to make sure she was ok. She answered and I asked her she said she was fine. She asked why am I calling to see if she was ok I just said I had a bad dream and was worried. She asked about DS however he was in daycare at the time. I guess her money is low and couldn't fly here for the mediation. I know POSOM out pressure on her to move there so I'm sure its not what she expected. Tomorrow I'm taking DS fishing for the first time. Should be fun! Sunday is church and park will call SS tomorrow as well.

Still sending the letters, right?

What are the legal ramifications of her not showing up? Why didn't she call the court and you?

The flakiness and irresponsibility of waywards never ceases to astound.

So counter-intuitive is Plan A that sometimes I think it should be called Plan E, as in Enable.

What are the next steps in the process?

You are doing a very good job of taking care of your side of the fence. Nice to see you growing stronger day-by-day. I feel bad for your son, but he is lucky to have a great father.

Not sure. It was mediation. She called me and asked if she still had health insurance. I asked why she claims she needs a Pap smear seems kind of iffy. Either she is pregnant by this POSOM or he gave her a STD. I'm not sure and I'm not going to rack my brain over it. We have another court date for July three days after our anniversary (sigh). Yes I send him letters and he reads them. Man this stuff is nerve wrecking. So many unanswered questions...

Hey TD, just remember if it gets too much for you, you can go into plan B at any time. I think we will all breathe a sigh of collective relief when you do. Waywards are awful creatures, so unlike the human beings we know they once were.

BUT it's not enabling if you use the carrot and STICK of Plan A.

True, Brain. I was just highlighting how difficult it is and how it seems to go against logic.

This is a difficult for TD. He's nine months in, and is in the middle of no man's land--that wide gulf between marriage and divorce. His wife is probably depleting the reserves in his LB.
But he has been smart, and he has a plan.

Hang in there, TD.

I understand. TD