Well, here goes the story...

My wife and I have been married for 12 years now and have had our ups and downs. Throughout it all, for the most part, we've remained good friends (we started as friends and it blossomed into romantic feelings oh so long ago). As with any marriage, it's not been without it's problems. I definitely realize that I've been a big part of that as well. We all know it takes two...

I've struggled with addiction to porn on and off over the years we've been married until recently when I confessed everything to my wife, paid for a web filter service, and asked her to be the administrator/password-keeper for the service. She has forgiven me and I am in a continual state of repentance and attempting to stay on the straight an narrow. I truly don't want to be addicted to the stuff...for the sake of me and my fam (we have two kids...7yo and 10yo). I realize it's so harmful to our relationship. By the grace of God, my desire for my wife has never decreased over the years either, which I guess illustrates one of my greatest emotional needs.

Approximately 3 years ago, my wife had a moderate emotional affair with a mutual acquaintance. I discovered what was going on through so covert monitoring of her chats, FB messages, etc. When I confronted her on what was going on, she confessed. I had to insist that all contact was cut off with the other guy and, right or wrong, I gave the other dude a real piece of my mind. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, but it sure felt good getting it off my chest. Granted, the EA did not go as far as many others I've read about (they expressed mutual feelings for one another and my wife actually tried to cut things off, but the two of them didn't make it happen.). It never went physical and none of the private messages became sexual in anyway. It was just all of the lying and covering things up that really hurt in the end. Nonetheless, all contact ceased. I verified this because I insisted that my wife give me her passwords for email and facebook. So, I monitored it for quite some time.

After this all broke loose, I discovered this site and my wife and I decided to read His Needs, Her Needs. I finished the book, but my wife never did. I also brought up the idea of doing the Emotional Needs questionnaire, which we both completed and discussed. We actually both came to an agreement that we would work towards meeting those needs as best as possible. Things went really great...for awhile.

As time went on (from three years ago), my wife transitioned from full-time stay at home mom to starting a photography business. She is wonderfully talented at this and her business exploded...I was so proud of her! The idea came up that I should help her to shoot weddings (the area of photography that she prefers) and we could be a husband-wife team. I was on-board because I love feeling like a team, pressing towards a goal, with my wife. The first year of this agreement was fast and furious. I think we shot 18 weddings. It was fun and the extra money was nice. (I also work a full time job). However, there was downside.

The photography seemed to become all-consuming for my wife. I think this was fueled by all the success that she is having and the recognition that she receives. Meanwhile, the things that I outlined on my emotional needs questionnaire began to by the wayside. Also, because of photography, she's networking like crazy and meeting new people...including other guys. This has involved chatting with them on Facebook and being in private/secret groups. I'm guilty of a few angry outbursts over this...I'm not comfortable with her chatting with other guys. Her solution to this? Change all of her passwords and delete her chat history! I asked her why she would need to do that if there is nothing going on and she gets mad at me and calls me "her dad" or implies that I'm insecure. I have been critical, I know I have. Many of my emotional needs have gone unmet and it has caused me to become critical and bitter....not good.

Throughout this time, I kept trying to come back to the questionnaires and what we agreed upon. At one point I actually pulled them out to show her and things changed for a little bit. But not long after that, they were forgotten. When I tried to revisit them again, she had lost both questionnaires...never to be found again. From that point on she began to forget the things that I wrote as my needs. So, I would verbalize them. A great example is this one: I need to have sexual activity 2-3 times a week to feel emotionally fulfilled. I've restated this to her too many times to count. Just last week on the phone (during an argument about the topic), she says to me: "Well, I though we agreed upon once per week, right?" I was dumbfounded. Still am, actually. I'm having a hard time feeling like she really cares about me anymore. Later that same night we had another deep conversation. I asked her: "Just be straight with me, are you or are you not trying to carve out a separate life from me?". "Yes", she responds. I say, "So are you heading down a path to make it official or what?". She says, "Sometimes I think we'd just be happier away from each other."

I don't actually agree with this, and I told her so. Two nights later I told her that I love her and I don't want to be apart.

I asked her the next day if she'd agree to do the questionnaires again, and she has agreed. We are going to go over them together next week. I am so afraid of this. As I've filled out my questionnaire, I've realized that many of my needs are unmet and I'm afraid that she will respond by just throwing her hands up and saying "what's the point!?" or become upset at me because I'm too "needy".

I'm just looking for some advice/encouragement. I want to bring up my needs in a non-demanding fashion and I am oh-so willing to meet my wife's needs any way I can...I love her, I really do.

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Her secrecy about her Facebook activity concerns me. Have you snooped to confirm she is not in another emotional affair? Do you have a keylogger on her computer to watch her activity?

The two of you need to get rid of Facebook. She has already had one EA on there, and possibly another now. She can never be trusted on a social network site again.

I do not. I am aware of these and they are the "ace in the hole", if you will, that I will call upon if I deem it necessary. Right now, from what I've observed, the volume of contact doesn't warrant it yet. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt so far. In the previous scenario, I just knew something was up, but didn't want to believe it. This time it really doesn't have the same "feel" if that makes sense.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I think you are overly focused on the EN's questionnaire. That questionnaire will NOT restore love to your marriage. What will restore love to your marriage is meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship for 15+ hours per week.

This program does not work without that step. So, I would start THERE. Ask her to go out on 4 - 4 hour dates per week with you. Plan fun things to do together and plan them at times when you are the most energetic.

I would also get a keylogger on her computer and and spyware on her phone asap because I suspect she is having an affair. Don't ask, don't accuse, just quietly start sleuthing and find out what she is doing when you aren't looking. [good keyloggers are eblaster and spectorpro at spectorsoft.com and cell phone spyware is flexispy or eblaster.

Can you afford to have a PI tail her for a few days?

Well, the EA didn't really happen on FB, but rather Gmail chat feature although they were FB friends too. Her photography business hinges on FB as her primary business tool, so we won't be getting rid of it.

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You need to find out what she is hiding before it is too late.

Well, I'm not so convinced on the affair. She is literally home all day and we talk several times a day. Then we shoot weddings together on Saturdays and go to church on Sundays. At one point I did tell her that I'd prefer her to not chat with other guy friends online and she did stop. There was just an instance where I happened to see one come in over her shoulder and it was benign enough.

I could probably afford a PI, but he'd just sit outside our house all day lol. But seriously, I'm not trying to overly focus on the questionnaire, but rather, treat it as the tool it is to help us meet one another's needs. I'm fairly certain that those four will, in fact, rise to the top. (at least for me). The fact that she is quite willing to do it should count for something?

But you don't KNOW if she is having an affair. And that is my point. It has to be ruled out. I don't think you are using good judgment here and it really needs to be ruled out.

You already know she has poor boundaries around men, so it is foolish to give her the benefit of the doubt. The fact that she is "home all day" means nothing. People who are home all day can and do have affairs. There are hundreds of such affairs over on the Surviving an Affair forum.

Hi, rockerman, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I can relate to your situation. I also had a hard time really getting my wife to meet my needs in our marriage. The materials here on this site have helped me systematically eliminate problems that were obstacles for her, and I'm glad to say that our marriage is very happy today.

How much have you read on this site?

I would suggest that the solution to this problem is to use the Marriage Builders recommendations from Dr. Harley to get your wife to fall back in love with you. Women in love are much more motivated to meet their husbands' emotional needs. They become more interested in sex, they become more interested in recreation with their husbands, they become interested in spending time with their husbands and building a romantic relationship and an integrated lifestyle. I myself have watched my wife's sex drive go from off the charts down to pure aversion and back up again - the difference is whether she is in love with me or not, and the way to get her to fall in love and stay in love with me is taught by Dr. Harley on this site.

After your wife's emotional affair and your porn use it sounds like your marriage has sort of limped on as a crippled version of its former self. Dr. Harley says that after an affair a marriage must be completely repaired and become wonderful for both husband and wife, or else they both risk lots of pain and misery, not to mention recurrence of affairs in the future.

I am sorry to confirm your suspicions, but it is extremely likely that your wife is already involved in another affair. I would post in the Surviving an Affair forum here and get help breaking the affair up, and then I would USE THIS PROGRAM DILIGENTLY to recover your marriage this time, as I described above, working to restore your and your wife's romantic love for each other and to affair proof your marriage.

Those are the 4 ENs that should be met during UA time regardless of what your questionnaire says, though. For example, when a spouse is withdrawn, they will select a non-intimate EN as their top need. But it is not the non intimate ENs that create romantic love. For example, FS and DS do not have to be done together so they make very few lovebank deposits.

Do you see what I mean?

I do see your point and will definitely give it some consideration. She is very attractive and has had guys hit on her at weddings (even when I'm standing right there!). A guy hit on her at the gas station in our town last week and subsequently FB messaged her to see if she was married. In the interest of being open and honest, she did let me read the whole convo between them. I said that I really appreciated her openness.

Her secrecy warrants it. Deleting chat history? That's a sure-fire sign she's up to something.

I'm a photographer, too. Many well-respected photographers have their own website and do not use FB at all for their business. There is no reason she HAS to have FB.

Ah, ok...good point. So those top four should be met regardless of the questionnaire results for romantic love to bud?

Perfect setting for an online emotional affair!

If she was friends on FB with her former EA partner, then the affair did occur on FB as well. No doubt about it. She cannot be trusted there.

That was exactly our situation,

when I found out my wife was starting an emotional affair on Facebook.

I do understand what you are saying, but for us, this may be a non-negotiable. We've both spent a tremendous amount of time developing a marketing strategy and FB is a large part of it.

But did you appreciate her poor boundaries around men? How did this guy get her name? How did he become her facebook friend?

Does she flirt with men?

You are kidding, right?