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[
Ah, ok...good point. So those top four should be met regardless of the questionnaire results for romantic love to bud? Exactly!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Welcome to Marriage Builders. I think you are overly focused on the EN's questionnaire. That questionnaire will NOT restore love to your marriage. What will restore love to your marriage is meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship for 15+ hours per week.
This program does not work without that step. So, I would start THERE. Ask her to go out on 4 - 4 hour dates per week with you. Plan fun things to do together and plan them at times when you are the most energetic.
I would also get a keylogger on her computer and and spyware on her phone asap because I suspect she is having an affair. Don't ask, don't accuse, just quietly start sleuthing and find out what she is doing when you aren't looking. [good keyloggers are eblaster and spectorpro at spectorsoft.com and cell phone spyware is flexispy or eblaster.
Can you afford to have a PI tail her for a few days? I could probably afford a PI, but he'd just sit outside our house all day lol. But seriously, I'm not trying to overly focus on the questionnaire, but rather, treat it as the tool it is to help us meet one another's needs. I'm fairly certain that those four will, in fact, rise to the top. (at least for me). The fact that she is quite willing to do it should count for something? Not a whole lot, to tell you the truth. Filling out a questionnaire doesn't take a whole lot of commitment. She's already done it before and nothing changed long-term, right? People in affairs love to put in some minimal effort on counseling style activities that don't take a lot from them, so they can claim they "gave their marriage every chance" and feel good about themselves even though they are destroying their marriage with an affair. Now, what would count for something would be if your wife would be willing to do this: The Critical Importance of Undivided AttentionPeople who fill out the questionnaires but don't follow the undivided attention aren't really following Dr. Harley's program. In fact when Dr. Harley was in active practice, he would not counsel a couple if they refused to commit to doing this, because he said it was a waste of everybody's time and money.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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the volume of contact doesn't warrant it yet Her secrecy warrants it. Deleting chat history? That's a sure-fire sign she's up to something. I'm a photographer, too. Many well-respected photographers have their own website and do not use FB at all for their business. There is no reason she HAS to have FB. I do understand what you are saying, but for us, this may be a non-negotiable. We've both spent a tremendous amount of time developing a marketing strategy and FB is a large part of it. You are kidding, right? About what?
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the volume of contact doesn't warrant it yet Her secrecy warrants it. Deleting chat history? That's a sure-fire sign she's up to something. I'm a photographer, too. Many well-respected photographers have their own website and do not use FB at all for their business. There is no reason she HAS to have FB. I do understand what you are saying, but for us, this may be a non-negotiable. We've both spent a tremendous amount of time developing a marketing strategy and FB is a large part of it. rockerman77, you have spent a tremendous amount of time developing a MARRIAGE. Eliminating affairs vectors is a large part of getting to keep it. Which do you want to scrap? The marriage, or the marketing strategy? Which one is going to be easier to replace?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I do see your point and will definitely give it some consideration. She is very attractive and has had guys hit on her at weddings (even when I'm standing right there!). A guy hit on her at the gas station in our town last week and subsequently FB messaged her to see if she was married. In the interest of being open and honest, she did let me read the whole convo between them. I said that I really appreciated her openness. But did you appreciate her poor boundaries around men? How did this guy get her name? How did he become her facebook friend? Does she flirt with men? No, I don't appreciate poor boundaries. She is a person that has always had more guy friends than girl friends. Shortly after we were married, though, she cut off all close guy friends. Until the EA she really didn't have too many. This dude somehow knew who she was...she walked into the gas station (it's a small town) and he's all "you're so and so, right?" She really doesn't flirt with men intentionally, but she is a people-person and tends to ask people questions in a caring way. I've told her in the past to be careful with that because sometimes it can be very attractive to men to know that another woman cares about their well-being.
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Your wife has already had an EA on facebook and you know that she flirts on facebook now. And you are saying you WON'T delete facebook? I guess I don't know what to say to that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your subject line: I'm a little freaked out right now... You know why you are freaked out. Let's be honest about that nameless dread. There is a plan here to help you save your marriage even if the unthinkable is happening. And it probably is.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[ This dude somehow knew who she was...she walked into the gas station (it's a small town) and he's all "you're so and so, right?" Were you present? And is there a reason she friended him on facebook? She would have had to be friends in order for him to do this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your wife has already had an EA on facebook and you know that she flirts on facebook now. And you are saying you WON'T delete facebook? I guess I don't know what to say to that. What?! I'm not saying that she "flirts with men" on Facebook! She got contacted by this dude online and they're not FB friends (it went to the "others" folder) I'm saying, like in-person, she is very caring and will tend to ask questions about other people's well being.
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What?! I'm not saying that she "flirts with men" on Facebook! She got contacted by this dude online and they're not FB friends (it went to the "others" folder) I'm saying, like in-person, she is very caring and will tend to ask questions about other people's well being. I feel like we are in alternative realties, rockerman. You have already told us she has had an EA on facebook. You have told us she hides her chat logs with men from you. You have just told us that she met some man in a gas station and he hit on her and she friended him on facebook. Somehow she is obviously doing something to attract this attention. She is signaling to others that she is "AVAILABLE FOR ACTION." On facebook. I would suspect she is flirting with men if she attracts all this attention.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Let me quantify the previous EA, because I think some of you are not understanding the extent (it wasn't as severe as some others). We both meet this guy a church and friend him. At some point he sends my wife an email to talk about bible stuff. They converse back and forth. My wife recognizes that she has developed feelings. Tells the guy "for the sake of my marriage, we need to step away", he says "I feel the same way about you and you're right." They cut it off for a very short while. Contact resumes but it stays above board (i was able to verify this...it was mostly about the bible/spirituality). I finally realize what is going on through a rather vague reference in a chat that mentioned "feelings". I confront and the thing is over.
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You are both responsible for your actions (the porn, her EA(s)) - but do you not realize how the use of computers/the internet are contributing to the destruction of your family as well?
Do you realize that this level of involvement wtih online activity is not normal...?
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Well, I'm not so convinced on the affair. She is literally home all day and we talk several times a day. Then we shoot weddings together on Saturdays and go to church on Sundays. At one point I did tell her that I'd prefer her to not chat with other guy friends online and she did stop. There was just an instance where I happened to see one come in over her shoulder and it was benign enough. If you put a keylogger on then you would know for sure.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What?! I'm not saying that she "flirts with men" on Facebook! She got contacted by this dude online and they're not FB friends (it went to the "others" folder) I'm saying, like in-person, she is very caring and will tend to ask questions about other people's well being. I feel like we are in alternative realties, rockerman. You have already told us she has had an EA on facebook. You have told us she hides her chat logs with men from you. You have just told us that she met some man in a gas station and he hit on her and she friended him on facebook. Somehow she is obviously doing something to attract this attention. She is signaling to others that she is "AVAILABLE FOR ACTION." On facebook. I would suspect she is flirting with men if she attracts all this attention. They are not friends on FB...it is entirely possible to send messages to people that your not friends with on FB. I've done it. She is well known because of the photog business...her popularity and success has soared because of it. That is how she is known and get attention. It helps that she is physically attractive too.
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Let me quantify the previous EA, because I think some of you are not understanding the extent (it wasn't as severe as some others). We both meet this guy a church and friend him. At some point he sends my wife an email to talk about bible stuff. They converse back and forth. My wife recognizes that she has developed feelings. Tells the guy "for the sake of my marriage, we need to step away", he says "I feel the same way about you and you're right." They cut it off for a very short while. Contact resumes but it stays above board (i was able to verify this...it was mostly about the bible/spirituality). I finally realize what is going on through a rather vague reference in a chat that mentioned "feelings". I confront and the thing is over. Please read. Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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They are not friends on FB...it is entirely possible to send messages to people that your not friends with on FB. I've done it. She is well known because of the photog business...her popularity and success has soared because of it. That is how she is known and get attention. It helps that she is physically attractive too. Why not put a keylogger on her computer and see how she behaves on facebook when she thinks you are not looking? That would settle the question, right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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A keylogger will confirm whether or not she is having another EA.
Nothing you do to meet each her emotional needs will matter if she is in another affair. You will only be spinning your wheels.
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At one point I did tell her that I'd prefer her to not chat with other guy friends online and she did stop. There was just an instance where I happened to see one come in over her shoulder and it was benign enough. If you put a keylogger on then you would know for sure. Just for the record, my own FWH and OW (family friend) had two email accounts. One to use for appropriate friendly contact in order to fool me and the other "secret" email to carry on their affair. You must first rule out an affair and you do that by watching what she is doing when she thinks you are not looking. You need to capture the things that she is deleting. That is a HUGE 
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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