My wife of 8 years came to me last week and explained that she doesn't want to be married to me any more because she has lost the "deep in love feelings". This came to me as a shock. She said it is all due to not being able to trust me.
two years ago I carried on phone and text conversations with a former client of mine. (female) She was just someone to talk to and built up my ego by saying flattering things.My wife discovered the conversations and I stopped talking to this woman. a few months pass and she calls again and conversations resume for a short period. She likes me and like an idiot eat it up. She calls me while I am at a party drinking and I hand the phone to my brother he asks her for a picture and she sends a picture of Lingerie to my phone. my wife discovers this and after a long battle of proclaiming my innocence; we move on and the conversations with this woman stop. This woman calls a few months later and I tell her immediately to never call again. Which brings me to my wife. She said that she questions everything that I do now and has lost all faith in me. It has been almost a year since this has happened and I thought that we moved passed this. I realize that she felt betrayed and I would do anything to take it all back. She said that she wants to do a trial separation so she can go to counseling alone to work on her trust issues. And hopefully get back together. It kills me and there is nothing that I can say or do to let her know that I would never do anything like that again. We had to tell our 10 year old son that we will be living separately, very heartbreaking. The financial burden is huge. What do I do??

Cands,

You need to admit to your BW that this was an emotional affair, do not minimize what it IS! If it was also a physical affair get that out in the open, touching and kissing counts!

You need to offer to take a lie detector test.

You need to be honest with your BW about other cheating you have done.

You need to tell the other womans husband what happened and apologize to him.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to MB.

Have you written a NC letter to OW?

Have you changed all your contact information so the OW can't contact you?

You need to take responsibility for your EA and tell your son the truth.

What just compensation and EPs have you given your BW?

Also, have you ruled out that your BW isn't having an affair?

She won't solve her "trust issues" by going to a counselor. She will only resolve them if YOU stop being untrustworthy. But, you might not ever get that chance. Your little affair went on for so long that she may have given up. I would have kicked you out a long, long time ago.


I know 5 year olds who could come up with a better lie than that. Did your wife burst out laughing when you told her that lie? Really. That is not even clever or creative.

I understand how it all sounds. However it is the truth. I also understand that even though there was no physical contact that this was an emotional affair because I was getting some kind of gratification from our telephone and texting conversations. I didn't realize the implications until now. my family means everything to me and the pain of losing them is unbearable. I am willing to do anything to keep them and I am hopeful that counseling will resolve our issues. we both just signed six month leases in two separate apartments.
We had a great weekend together we spent a lot of quality time together. I am trying to be as positive as I can. I try to give her the space she needs without pressuring her.

If they mean that much to you, I would start with the truth. You can't move forward without that.

I explained everything to her, showed her all of the text messages. I came clean 100%. I have been a devoted husband and father. I spoke to the other woman during a time when we were going through a horrible financial hardship and closed our business. I guess it was an escape of some sort to just talk to someone that I didn't have to talk about bad times with. I am not justifying my actions because it had a huge negative impact on my wife I know that I hurt her and damaged the trust that she had in me. I just can not stand the thought of going on with out her.

Did you write a NC letter to OW?

Read this. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Coping with Infidelity: The End

You ignored the advice to take a poly. Thoughts?

I think this will be necessary for you because if I were your BW, I wouldn't believe you either after being gaslighted for so long.

I hope you don't say this type of thing to your wife. Because despite your proclamation of it not being a "justification" that's exactly what it is. Most people go through financial or other hardships in life and they don't have affairs and gaslight their spouse for years.

You did this because (1) you have bad boundaries with women, (2) it felt good to let someone outside of your M meet your needs and give you attention, and (3) you didn't care enough about your wife's feelings to stop doing this.

Instead just admit that you made very poor choices and that you will do everything in your power to protect her and your M into the future by not having conversations/texting/etc with women into the future and by offering her complete transparency (allowing her to put a keylogger on your phone/computer and giving her all passwords, etc).

I would be open to take a polygraph. I held nothing back while explaining everything to my wife.

You should just schedule it and take it. There are questions designed to make sure that you have told the entire truth.

It's nice that you "came clean" but you don't seem to understand the type of damage that gaslighting does. You denied anything inappropriate was happening despite the fact that she could see in front of her face that it was...

When did you finally "come clean"? Please be specific.

It sounds like this EA began two years ago and your W is in counseling now for "trust issues"? This sounds to me like she has been gaslit for a good long time.

There's a very good chance your wife has gone on to find someone else. Maybe, maybe not.

Anyway, if you would like to actually recover your marriage, you need to get incredibly invested in learning what to do. Here's some educational resources for you. If you get serious and read and do all of these things, you will probably win your wife back. If you're not serious enough to do that, I would encourage her to separate from you until you are.

Dr. Harley's video on infidelity:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Dr. Harley's 30 Q&A columns on how to survive infidelity:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Surviving an Affair (you can buy the ebook to read on your computer instantly, or get the print book):
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-an-...er?ie=UTF8&qid=1370283326&sr=8-1

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=3

If you are really serious and motivated you can use Dr. Harley's information to learn how to likely win your wife back to start a new marriage of fidelity and care. But there is no way we can spoon feed it to you on this forum, and if you want to continue to carve out areas of dishonesty in your life, nothing can help you, and it is best for your wife to move on.

"Trust issues"??? That's not her issue to resolve. It's YOURS.

Trust is an emotional response to certain conditions. The condition is you have to act a certain way for quite a long time. Either you aren't acting the right way, or it hasn't been long enough yet. Be patient; it will come (if you are acting trustworthy). And, believe it or not, you can have a good marriage without trust. The good marriage can come first, and the feeling of trust can come later.

One problem we often see is people wanting their husband or wife to trust them in bad situations. This is a mistake, since trust is an emotional response to people acting a certain way. An example: suppose I go on a business trip with a lady coworker, and ask my wife to trust me. I am acting in an untrustworthy manner, so it's a mistake to expect my wife to feel the feeling of trust when I act this way. I can instead expect her to suddenly start feeling DISTRUST if I even suggest such a thing!

Another example: I change my email account password and don't tell my wife. A couple days later she tries to get into my account and discovers she can't. She asks if I've changed the password, and what it is. Instead of telling her what it is, I tell her to "trust me." It's a mistake for me to expect her to trust me, since I'm not acting in a way that causes the feeling of trust. She will never trust me as long as I act like that!

Hints for restoring trust:

Stop going to parties without your wife

Stop drinking

You indicate that you do a lot of things my wife would never trust me to do. My wife and I have a great marriage, yet she would never trust me doing those things. The solution is not for her to get counseling for "trust issues." The solution is for me not to do those things!

According to Dr. Harley, there are some circumstances in which anybody could be trusted, and some circumstances in which nobody should be trusted! Stay in the circumstances in which anybody could be trusted, and eventually the feeling of trust will come.

He also ignored the questions about a NC letter to OW. Also the questions about changing all his contact information so OW can't contact him.

The problem is stories like this one:


That is not even a creative lie. I know wet brains who could be more creative than that. If you are going to lie, at least be creative about it. When you tell stupid lies like that, it is just insulting to the receiver.

If you are going to lie at least be creative about it. You didn't even WORK for that one. That lie just screamed to the receiver: I THINK YOU ARE A MORON!!