Hello,

My Girlfriend (now ex) and I have recently broken up and I feel that it wasn't 100% entirely my fault. I am looking for solid advice, and will do just about anything to earn her trust back. I want her to trust me again (I already know she loves me, but does not trust me). Here is the background information:

She and I started dating back in January 2013. I am Navy and She is Army. I'm a nurse she is a doctor (intern). We instantly fell in love, we had a wonderful relationship and always enjoyed each other's company. We teased and played with each other all the time. Before I go too much further, I did initially lie to her about my age; at the time, I was insecure, I had been turned down by too many women strictly because of age. Eventually though, the topic of my brithdate came up, when She was signing us up for a 5k. I decided that at that time I needed to come clean even if it meant risking the relationship. So, I did just that. She was upset, but I felt, that if she denied me because of my age, that made her shallow (as much as it makes me shallow to lie). After a day or two, we had our fight and I listened to her side. She did get over it.

Moving forward. We still continued to love each other the same. We would do things that only loving couples would do and there was no disharmony because of the age thing. Jumping a few months forward, I got military orders for an assignment that was 2000 miles away. Uh-oh, I thought, this sucks. I told her a few days later that I got orders and she was disappointed, because she obviously loves. A few weeks passed and we would mention my reassignment and briefly talk about it, but I began to start thinking that once I left, this would be it. I knew that leaving her would hurt her, but I wanted to let her off someway and somehow.

Continuing with the story... A month before leaving for reassignment I found myself sitting on her couch and my phone vibrated. I looked at it and saw that I had a message from POF (a dating website). I also have a Match profile. We did not meet off these websites. We met at work. Regardless, I've had these profiles for about 6 months before I started dating her. When I started dating her, I never once updated the profiles. Sure, I would occassionally look at them just to see what the messages said, but I never responded. Not out of respect really, but more because I was happy in my current situation. Well, needless to say, she caught me looking at POF when my phone vibrated; and when she caught me, she got upset. I never really understood why, but she did. Eventually, I was able to comfort her and tell her that I had no intentions of leaving her and that I was very happy in my current situation.

Jumping to my current problem. Before I left, I tried to break up with her, to let her down easily, but she was intent on making it work. I was trying to break it off for the sake of her benefit, not mine. She was definitely a lot more attached than me, but I still loved her. I knew the distance would be a horrible thing for the both of us. Regardless, she insisted that if I wanted to make it work, then she would.

Anyway, about a week ago, my phone vibrated, and it was another Match message (now, I'm at my new location). Ofcourse I read the message like I normally do, but didn't respond. A few days later I got a phone call from my now ex-girlfriend who said she was on Match and saw that I updated my location and that I was recently active. She was pretty upset and I didn't know how to respond to this. Genuinely, I was upset that she was angry, but I wasn't exactly sure why she was angry. The instant I got off the phone with her, I deleted both my profiles, which regretfully, I probably should have done when she caught me looking at it on the couch, but as I stated earlier, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, and she never did request that I delete the information.

It's been about 2 weeks since the event, and she hasn't talked to me. She hasn't responded to my numerous text messages or numerous emails. About 3 days ago, I just found out, that because my Match was located on my smart phone, I have an automatica GPS enabling system that updates the location in my profile. So, very honestly, I never updated the location on my profile. I miss her so much and care for her so much that I've sent sorry after sorry after sorry. Now, however, I'm taking a new approach. About 3 days ago, I sent her one last email, explaining the situation to her and validating her feelings. I also told her that I would be in her neck of the woods come the middle of June (which is aprox 15 days away). I told her that I would like to meet up with her over a cup of coffee and that, if she had time, I would appreciate that. Now, I've decided to back off and play it cool, although it's literally killing me.

The last time I heard anything from her was in an email, which was a response as to whether she still loved me; and she said, "ofcourse I still love you, I'm just really hurt and don't think I can trust you ever again".

Now, I'm really hurt because I do love this girl, and this girl loves me, and we had future plans, but now it's foiled. The only thing I can think of doing is flying in to her city, and dropping off a boquet of roses at her work (BUT NOT CAUSING ANY DRAMA, IN AND OUT), and asking her to call me.

I've been really misearble guys, and if anybody can offer any insight on my situation, please feel free to share. I know this might be juvenille, but in my heart I know this girl is the one, and I'm not giving up on her just yet. My flight into town will be my last plight to save this relationship.

Thanks, for your help, and sorry for the long post.

-B

*I do want to add that earning her trust back will also be extremely difficult, because she's had some [censored] of boyfriends in the past. In my experience, I never treated her badly.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

How old are you? How old is she?

We say that dating is an interview for marriage.

She is 28 and I am 25. I did read that, but I don't think that applies to me. She and I are both buyers, but the matter at hand is earning her trust back. We both love each other, but she believes that she is unable to trust me. I must earn it back. And, if I'm a buyer, I'm willing to do what it takes to earn it back.

If you were able to Marry her, would you still be in the military? Have to be apart overnight?

Have you read Dr. Harley's material on being apart overnight?

If you're a buyer why would you lie about Your age? Why stay on dating websites (which is actually fine when you're dating, but just be honest with your dating partners)?

Have you read this?
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

we actually had plans to get married. Our plans were that I was to get out after my next tour and she would stay in the military.

Guys, there is no doubt in my mind, that I'm in love with this girl, and would do anything for her. In a heartbeat. If I had known she wanted me to delete the profiles back in March, I would have done it. However, that was never expressed. What was expressed was that she was upset, and I thought I fixed it by comforting her. All I'm asking for is advice on how to correct the situation.

Hmmm, If I were to marry her, I would get out of the military while she would stay in. Undoubtedly, she would stay in and I would say yes, there would be times that she would be deployed and that I would be apart from her. Sometimes 6-9 months at a time.

Can I get a link to that?

Here you go.

Traveling Jobs

Have you asked her what it would take?

Also, have you introduced her to Dr. Harley's MB material?

You should get the book "I Promise You"

If she is open to giving you another chance I would promise her you will have a MB marriage.

Why didn't you delete the profiles on your own? You're waiting for the woman you're thinking about marrying to TELL you to do so?

If you were a buyer, you would have shut down all social dating sites to concentrate on the woman you say you want to marry. However, you just couldn't do that. If I were your girlfriend I would assume that you are keeping your options open. Not a good start for a marriage. That's a renter's mentally, and your girlfriend very wisely picked up on that.

I see what you're saying, but I can assure you, that having the dating websites on my phone were more a result of me having an app, which I paid little to no attention to (kind of like a calculator) then for personal gain. Yes, before I dated her, I used the apps on a regular basis, but when I was dating her, they kind of just faded from my memory with the occassional vibrations going off here and there, which I never responded to any inquiry. Regardless of the conclusions you are drawing, how I feel is different.

1.) I seriously love this woman.
2.) This 'eye-opening' event has made me realize how much I love her.
3.) I'm going to earn her trust back and, in future cases, think twice about making a decision with every choice I make keeping her in mind.
4.) If she loves me, she will forgive me, but time is a death sentence right now. I'm hoping that no contact to her within the next 2 weeks will help her remember the good times I had, and when I show up to bring her flowers she'll be excited to see instead of still angry with me.

I am reading the Doctor's report on infedelity, and while I was never UNFAITHFUL (never did I see another woman or look at another woman like I did my girlfriend), and I can put myself in my girlfriends shoes. The good news is, according to the doctor, "In almost every case, resentment fades".

Personally, what I was hoping by posting on this website was some advice on how I can earn her trust back. I'm willing to do anything within my capacity to get her back.

Have you asked her what it would take?

Also, have you introduced her to Dr. Harley's MB material?

You should get the book "I Promise You"

If she is open to giving you another chance I would promise her you will have a MB marriage/relationship.

Who writes the book? I will read it over the next 2 weeks to keep my mind off of her.

Dr. Harley I Promise You

[quote=murse88]
She and I started dating back in January 2013.[/quote]

This is too much drama for a 5 month dating relationship. You already lied to her about your age and she knows that you were still on dating websites (whether or not you were active on them, she cannot possibly know, but she knows you didn't care to remove your profiles).

Use this as a learning experience and move on. It would be foolish to continue a 5 month relationship with someone who has already lied and has already endured a breakup.

You said:
"but I felt, that if she denied me because of my age, that made her shallow (as much as it makes me shallow to lie)"

You realize you confirmed your own stereotype about age and maturity, right?

You have a LOT of learning to do before contemplating any sort of long-term relationship/marriage. You don't get to decide what a partner's needs are when it comes to age. Right there shows us that you are willing to lie in order to get what you want. That is classic behaviour of someone who will commit adultery in the future.

She would be stupid to reunite with you. I recommend reading Dr. Harley's dating materials and work on self-improvement. You are not a candidate for marriage for any woman at this time.

Wow, I came to this forum for advice on how to improve my current situation, not to be put down. I understand your points are a stark reality, but this event has put a lot of things in perspective for me. While I don't expect her to take me back. I need to let her know that I am serious about this relationship, and that I plan to embrace this relationship with the plan of eventually marrying her someday.

****edit****


Anyway,

I'm confident this relationship will get back on track, because I know what I need to do in order to make it work. I'm going to be 100% honest not just with her but myself as well. I'm ready to make this work for the long run. As you guys said, 5 months is a short time to get tied up in this kind of mess, but 5 months is also enough time to make me realize what it is I want.

In retrospect, I'm glad this event happen to me, because I've been more honest with myself the past few days about what it is I really want. I'm not asking for forgiveness from her. All I'm asking is she hear me out, because I'm ready for the long haul. What she wants is an honest commitment from me, and I'm ready to give it, regardless the circumstances.

If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back, it's meant to be.

Hey, you're the one who lied to her because you thought she wouldn't date you if she knew the truth about you (your age). And that was what, 5 months ago?

You still don't seem to get how untrustworthy you have shown yourself to be in just 5 months time. You don't seem to realize how serious it is, and that for a SMART WOMAN it would be a dealbreaker. Dating is a job interview. You walked into your interview with a resume of lies, and are demanding they hire you anyways? Ok.

5 months is also long enough for her to realize there is no future for someone who is willing to lie to get what he wants. You blew it. You can accept that you have a serious fault and work on it, or you can tell me ***edit***. It's your choice.

You're not pissed about her, you're pissed that you've been rejected. How do you think she feels that she had to get so hurt before you could "decide what you want"?

Agreed.

If a post upsets you, those are usually the ones you need to step back and digest a little bit.

I suggest you get your anger under control before dating again.
Seeing how you respond to alis simply because you do not like what she said, I would recommend your former girlfriend stay far away from you.