I am beginning to think you guys are right about my wife having a physical affair. I've been thinking a lot about evidence I had previously dismissed. Got a lot on my mind and am wondering how to proceed.

Proceed with exposure. Do you have your exposure list ready?

Also, have you been tested for STDs?

Also put spyware on her phone and GPS on her vehicle.

Can you do this?

Does this change your perception of her and wanting to try to reconcile the M?

What do you want?

R is a long, long, long road my friend. 2-5 years once you actually start. It is Fraught with numerous challenges. It should not be attempted by those feeble at heart or not ready for the biggest challenge of their life. You have to be in it to win it.

I thought I knew what I was getting into when we started R. Actually, I had a pretty good idea..however, it has turned out be much more challenging than I ever imagined.

perhaps learning about the affair will help you make sense of the demise of the marriage and help you recover.

do you really want to reconcile? you're divorced and it sounds like she isn't that involved with your son.

maybe the focus needs to be YOUR recovery from this and moving on.

people here are insisting you follow the plan to recover but you are already divorced.

your wife sounds like a difficult partner. not sure i'd want her back if i were you.

Same here.

I could have written the same about my ex-wife, including the part where she, a 30 something at the time was carrying on with a married man her father's age.

I'll give you the emotional issues you cite. They are worthy of consideration for one reason, why would you want her back?

This has been my question all along. Do you want her back, or is it you are still in shock over being abandoned by your ex-wife?

If who you see now is who she REALLY is, do you really want her back?

It very much depends on what your goals are. At the very least, I would advise trying to break up the affair for the sake of your son, no matter what you decide. If you want to offer your wife a chance to come back to the marriage, there is some good material here about how to do that.

Here is some information you probably want to read:
Start here thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379
Dr. Harley's video on infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html
Dr. Harley's Q&A columns about infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33
The Basic Concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=3
Exposure 101: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Agreed. Plus you want you have an obligation to let the boss's poor BW know what you know.

All:

I'm very conflicted. Some of you are asking some tough questions that I need to find the answers to: What do I want? Do I really want her back? Can I really do this? Would concentrating on my healing be better right now?

I guess what I want right now is to know if she really did have and/or is having a physical affair with her former boss. I think everything else hinges on that. How can I go about this?

It will be trickier to find out since you are no longer married. Do you still share a cell phone bill, or credit card bills, or anything like that?

Are your cell phone bills from when you were still married still available? You can search those.

You need to contact her boss's wife. She may already be aware/suspect an affair but (like many BSs) did not think it important to let you know.

Also, ask your son (if he spends any time with her) if she ever talks about her boss. Ask him if her boss ever comes to the house or does anything with them.

You HAVE to find and contact his wife. That may answer your questions right there.

DON'T ASK HER.

Just speculating...It's possible she's a wreck because she followed through divorcing you but the other man (her boss) had a million reasons why he couldn't divorce his wife so now she's his secret mistress. Proving it started before your divorce becomes a little more difficult but, perhaps, the truth won't come from your wife but rather his wife.

My idea would be for you to snoop or hire a PI to figure out if she and her boss are involved in an affair currently. Because you are divorced you'll need to be really careful of privacy laws. She's not your wife and spying on people can cross the line into stalking or even peeping really quick. I'd suggest investing in a pretty good GPS tracker that you hide very carefully on her car that you can monitor remotely on your computer. A good one may be moderately expensive but much cheaper than a PI. PI's are expensive, especially when you have no idea what their affair routine involves or if it's even still going on. They could be broken up or simply having closet sex in the office after hours which would be really hard for a PI to discover.

Hacking email is risky and illegal

Once you independently prove and document she's in a relationship with a married man...expose to his wife and meet with her, show her your evidence and ask her to research on her end whether she can figure out how long the affair has taken place. Give her a voice recorder and ask her to tape the confrontation she has with her husband. You want documented proof the affair started before your divorce and OM's wife is likely to be able to find it by hacking his email, reviewing old phone bills and/or by interrogating her husband who most likely will soon be throwing your ex-wife under the bus.

Other than that...your options are limited since you are already divorced. Your wife is not likely to ever tell you. Publically...she's made YOU the bad guy by telling everyone about your supposed porn problem. She's not in a hurry to take the public blame for your divorce (and abandoning your son). In the divorce process you had the right to discovery. You should have taken advantage of it. Not knowing is just so disheartening. It's got you stuck and your predicament is why I always advise divorcing persons to undertake discovery and take advantage of what may be their last chance to get the truth about their life. Depositions can be cathartic.

Mr. W

metro, what evidence do you have?

As far as rebuilding history to determine an affair: most waywards use their cell phone a LOT during an affair. Check your phone records over the past few years to see if there is a spike in calls to one or two numbers in particular. Typically, texting use will spike, as well. If you can't access your old cell phone records online, you may have to order them from your carrier. It takes about a month to get them and your carrier may charge you a minimal fee to get them, but it may be worth it.

How about her Facebook? Can you get on there and scroll back through older posts?

I'd like to hear what evidence you have before you contact OM's wife. If you go to her too soon, with weak evidence ("My wife thought your H was cute") she may dismiss you and tell her husband about it. That will flag him to be more careful and could make it more difficult for you to get to the bottom on this.

I am also in agreement with some of the other posters: ask yourself the hard questions and see how you answer them. Do you WANT her back? Write down the plusses and minuses on a piece of paper and look at them hard.