so what exactly does it mean to commit to the marriage builders program - follow the book? do the telephone coaching? any other way to follow the program? i like the program, but we'd need some structure to whatever plan we follow.

I would do the online program Courses

You're given an accountability coach plus free access to Dr. H on the private boards.

There are several ways to do it. If you are disciplined, you can do it yourself using the books, Survivng an Affair, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love.

You can sign up for the online program where you are assigned a coach, go through several video series and then are guided through a series of lessons. They also have phone coaching with Dr Harley's children, Dr Jennifer Chalmers or Steve Harley.

If you can afford the coaching or even a phone call or two to Steve Harley (I have heard he works wonders with even the most reluctant spouse) I would suggest that.

My H (he was the BS) wanted nothing to do with the actual coaching. We have done the books, the workbooks, and both of us read the forum on a regular basis. We have just learned the basic concepts (see below) and try to instill those in our marriage on a daily basis. We are still a work in progress and still learning and making mistakes. However our marriage is much better than it was.

Basic Concepts that we try to follow

POJA - Discussing every decision together and making sure your spouse enthusiastically agrees with your choice.

UA Time - Spending a minimum of 15 hours together a week (more if you can). This may require you actually penciling in time together. This does not include time with your kids or sitting on the couch watching TV.

O&H -Openness and Honesty. This is something that both my H and I still struggle with. I just realized this week that openness and honesty needs to be present with EVERYTHING. Even the things that are hard or uncomfortable to share.

EPs - Taking Extraordinary precautions in your marriage. Not allowing yourself or your spouse to put themselves in a situation that would allow an affair to happen.

ENs- Learning what each others most important emotional needs are and making sure you are fulfilling those. Being honest with each other and letting each other know if they are not being fulfilled.


That should get you started!

update - so he ended up flying back on sunday night, came straight home and we talked. i had to explain over and over that it wasn't to get back at him or to seek revenge on her, but to create boundaries and i think he gets it now. i guess everyone was freaked out that i actually drove to her parents house and they were scared because i knew their names?? whatever. he says i'm losing my mind and going off the deep end.
there is a good chance that the boyfriend will come after him - i told him he should call and apologize for stealing from him. i gave him my list of conditions and made it clear that i'm not holding on to him any longer, he doesn't comply (with enthusiasm) and he's out. he asked if he could stay and he's taken the past 2 days off of work and we've been spending time together. the locks are being changed at the office tomorrow.

i also gave him all my AP's contact info and the list of contacts and addresses to use for his own exposure. he was planning on it at first, but then decided he's not "crazy" to do something like that.

we're going to do the online program thru marriage builders. anyone know what combination would be the most useful. it's a little confusing, i guess i need to call the 800 number. it looks like the package with the courses, online seminar and accountability coaching would be best?? i'm trying to set up the telephone coaching with steve for 1 or 2 sessions just to get my husband a little more enthused about it. he doesn't quite get that there's steps to recovery.

is there a thread here to get advice on choosing the right combination of the online program/coaching?

i'm wondering if it's better to get the online program without the accountability coach and just do occasional telephone sessions with steve or add the accountability coaching and skip the phone sessions.

I would do the accountability coaching and skip the phone sessions. You will not only have a coach who will hold you accountable and guide you through the program, but you will also have direct access to Dr. Harley himself on the private forum. We found it a lot more effective (we tried it all!).

Mimi, start off with the coaching sessions from Steve to make sure your H is on board. Once he is on board, THEN sign up for the online course, the whole tamale. Get the course that has everything. That is what many of us went through.

BUT, first start by coaching with Steve and let him assess how serious your husband is.

lol! Prisca said the opposite thing! But she does have a good point. If you sign up for the online course you get a coach AND Dr Harley. If your husband needs some straightening out, Dr Harley will do it!

Mimi,

I sounds like your H is serious and wants to help your marriage. I hope these are the first steps to your recovery. Whatever method you choose, keep posting on this forum. This forum has been an amazing asset to my recovery.