Well dinner went ok, we talked some and both agreed something has to change. I pretty much had to yank the complaints from him (thats been a problem all through our marriage...I think Im pretty flexible but I can't know what to change if he won't say so.) and I asked him to pretty please give me a list of things that he really needed to change. This mostly has to do with house stuff that drive him batty...he came from a quite dysfunctional/abusive family where everything had to be sparkling clean and perfect (though he was the one doing the housework) and I...didnt...lol. Our girls of course being primarily raised by me tend to let things slide just like I do...so the list will be not only for me but them as well. He did say there really wasnt much just a few things, but those few things just drove him nuts... he sees it as a lack of respect, but we (the girls and I) really don't mean it that way. Hey if I can help him chill out by making sure a few key household chores are done...Im good with it.
I get the no dancing in the aisles thing, what bugs me about it is that hes more worried about what people might think (what people? there was no one there lol) than my desire to play. Putting some unknown stranger ahead of me is what it feels like and it hurts my feelings. That kind of thing happens a lot.
He did say he thought the MB program was logical and I kept reinforcing the idea that it was for men.. the one, two, three approach and that we just couldnt do it alone. We tried to twice.. it just made things worse and that we really needed the online program to have access to the coach and probably more importantly Dr. Harley himself via the private forums.
So thats where we are. Im going to ask him tomorrow probably for that list (though its possible he wont have time to put it together by tomorrow evening.. work for him has been insane lately) and at least get an eta on when I can expect it. And Im doing much better with the sarcastic snide remark thing. I've caught myself a couple of times (before my mouth opened thank you lol) over the last couple of days.
We also did talk a bit about how differently we see things...such as him thinking I dont really support his artwork when I think that I do. I explained that the real problem wasnt that he was right and I was wrong - or vice versa - but that the way I was "supporting" (aka admiration) him wasn't a way he could appreciate (and the same could be said of the way HE is "giving" to me) so what I needed (and what he needs from me) is a more targeted approach. He needs to tell me HOW he likes the support just as I need to do the same. That seemed to go over ok.
And Prisa, yeah you are right on the money. He does feel his giver has just had to give and give and give...the thing is, I feel exactly the same way. I cant see where he's given me anything I need emotionally, and I feel like everything is "always" about him and his childhood and his issues (his words again, not mine) and and and.. you get it. If I had a dollar for everytime Ive asked him in the last 20 years "is it my turn now?" Id have.. well a couple of bucks anyway
