I was a sty at home mom. Then I decided to get my teachers certification. My husband never wanted me to get it but I enrolled then told him. Before this I did everything my husband said. I asked to do stuff or go places and he would give or not give me permission. I even had to ask for money. It was more like he was my daddy than my husband. January of 2012 I started my student teaching. The teacher and I became best friends. We started hanging out and exercising together. My husband at this time became jealous of our friendship and started not giving me sex. We became roommates. We have now been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. I lost 40 pounds in a year and my self esteem went up. I even got a job at the school I had done my student teaching. During the period I wasn't getting sex or any physical touch I had an emotional affair with a friend. I called it off with the guy. I then left my husband for a week because he didn't see where we had any issues. After I came back we went to counselling. During this he found out about the emotional affair and I brought up his porn addiction. Everything seem to get better with us. My friendship with my best friend ended because of some bad advice given to me by my husband. A few months after this I noticed my husband rejecting me sexually again, but I was willing to not notice or say anything cuz I didn't want to be the nagging wife. Then he accused me of not given him any se for a month. I said I tried but that he wanted to watch sports at night than be with me. This pushed me to wear I didn't want my husband to touch me. It has been 3 months now since we have had sex. In the past month every time he touches me I get sick at my stomach. I have tried touching him but I can't. I am now not physically attracted to him and see him more as a really good friend to hang out with. I asked for a divorce then 2 days later asked him if we could try again. That I couldn't fix myself by myself and that WE need to work together . He agreed and he agreed to read and discuss the box "Her Needs HisNeeds". However he has told me that if I don't change the ways feel about him he will divorce me or if I change and I feel like this ever again he will divorce me. I feel like he is only half way doing the book. I read his email to a friend and he lied. He had given me permission to go out and eat with a family member that I hadn't seen in years. He then emailed my friend that we didn't talk and that with my confession that I was afraid I could have an affair I went any way. I confronted him about this and at first he saw no wrong then he did and apologised. My feelings haven't changed for him and I still don't want to be touched by him. However, he is a good husband cuz he provides financially and we do have a lot in common that we still have a good time when we do fun activities. I want to be touch I want sex but not with him but we do have good times together. I'm afraid that if I get a divorce it will be a mistake but I'm afraid if I stay in this marriage there will not be any sex or touching and I do worry bout having another emotional affair or even a physical affair. I don't want to hurt him any way. He is a good guy. Help!!!

Hi Kat, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason you don't feel like having sex with your husband is because you are not in love with him. Change that and you can change the way you feel about making love to him.

If you want to fall in love with him, then you should follow this program to the letter and STOP allowing other men to meet your needs. Instead of being "afraid" you are going to have an affair, you need to MAKE SURE you don't by closing your love bank to other men.

Was the OM married? Do you work with this man? Do you have any contact whatsoever?

Kat, is this best friend a guy you had the EA with? What was the bad advice? Your post is full of snippets, and it's difficult to determine some facts.

No he wasn't married. He was my group personal trainer. I don't work with him nor do I talk with him. This only happened cuz my husband didn't talk to me, spend time with me or want to have sex with me. It's not that I planned for that to happen. It just did. My love bank is closed to other men. I just worry way to much.

I want this to work it just seems that my husband is only half way trying.

The affair happened because you allowed another man to meet your needs. Have you done something about your poor boundaries with men in the mean time?

Do you still go to the same gym as the OM?

Unless you clean up your boundaries with other men, you are not safe to your husband, so that is where you should start. What have you done about that? Have you quit the gym?

No my best friend was another woman. We became like sisters and my husband was jealous. My husband told me to tell her something that happened with her boyfriend. I didn't do anything with him, just to get that clear. I didn't want to tell her cuz I knew it would really hurt her and I knew what her reaction would be. Husband was insistent that I tell her. She didn't like my husband and I don't blame her. He accused us of having an affair at one point, not true. I would help her out, she was single.and he didn't like that. We hung out a lot during the summer, we r both teachers so we have summers off, it was during the day when he was working. He didn't like that.

My husband has been very controlling of me. He sees now that I have found my voice and he isn't controlling. He hasn't been very supportive of me. After I finished my teachers certification program with a 3.9 gap he told me congratulations I didn't think you would finish. Now you have to get a teaching job and stick with it for 5years. Then you can quite if you want.

Even when I asked for a divorce he said well how are you going to survive? You will have to pay for everything yourself. You will not make it. I have a better salary now than web fore I was married. I made it then I can make it now. Plus I have friends who make less and survive.

During the past year our relationship has been on a roller coster. When we hit the lows he try's everything I the book to get our marriage moving inthr right direction. Then he stops. And things go back to the way they were before. So it goes down again and the cycle starts over. He has blamed me for everything. Told me to go get hormones tested. Go to Counseling by myself to see if anything in my past was to blame. Not once has he admitted that he has a part in this and he is to blame too.

I've been trying to fix myself by myself for a long time. I'm tired. The emotional roller coster has taken a lot out of me. I told him that it needed to be WE not just me. He said ok I haven't been the man of the house for a while I'm stepping back up. I said ok let's go do Counseling. He said no. We don't have any questions.

What does this mean exactly? He wanted you to tell your friend WHAT? What would she be hurt about? Is it her boyfriend you had the affair with?


How exactly was your husband "controlling" of you? Objecting to you hanging out with your friend is not controlling. He was telling you about something that made him unhappy. By going through with it, you demonstrated thoughtless behavior to him.

If you want your husband to become engaged in the marriage, you are going to clean up your side of the street too. You can't force your thoughtless behavior on him and then accuse him of being "controlling." If you ask him to not do something that annoys you, don't you expect him to stop it? Why wouldn't you do the same for him?

WHAT happened?

Kat, do you realize that you have been a serious barrier to your own marriage recovery?

Have you ever considered his side of this? "My wife was a stay at home mom and then she enrolled into an expensive school program without telling me. She went out with girlfriends instead of being home with me and our kids. She wanted to have sex wtih me while she was flirting with other men. I resented this and stopped wanting to be with her at night. SHE WANTS ME TO MEET HER NEEDS BUT REFUSES TO CONSIDER MINE.

Both of you are responsible for your marriage getting this bad. It is going to take both of you cleaning up your poor behaviours to fix it - you have done numerous destructive things, such as independent behaviour at your spouses' expense, and have had affairs. You cannot possibly expect your husband to welcome you with open arms every night when you have betrayed him so much either.

I still go to the same gym as OM but I don't think he does. I haven't seen him there.

As far as boundaries. I'm really not around many men. There is my principal but he's married in much older. There are 4 other men on campus but I'm not around them much. I text one man at my campus but he handles technical stuff and discipline. It is completely work related. I have to text cuz we have no phones in the classroom.

I'm not saying I'm NOT to blame. I have told my husband everything.

I only enrolled because he had been telling me NO I couldn't for 8 years. Got tired of him telling me no I couldn't better myself. He went to grad school why couldn't I get my teaching certificate?

He moved me to his home town. I have no family here and I had no friends. This was the first close friend I had had in years. I wasn't gone all the time but husband didn't want to spend time with me so I spent time with my girlfriend.

I actually didn't want sex with him. I didn't want him to touch me. He had rejected me so much. Even with me initiating. Also to be clear it wasn't a physical affair just an emotional one. I never touch the guy. I ended it with the guy before I told him in counselling. We eventually started having great sex.

This last time that he rejected me again was a year after the first time. We were much better. Having sex. It was him rejecting me so that he could watch sports then him blaming me for no sex. I tried to initiate. I wasn't doing anything with another guy. But I now don't want him to touch me. I also get sick at my stomach when he does touch me.

Yes it is both of our faults and i told him that. I told him that WE need to fix together not trying to fix it by ourself. He has betrayed me with porn, which he still looks at. Also betrayed me by lying to our friends about our situation and making me look bad.

He was controlling for years. I had to ask for money. Ask to go any where. Ask if it was ok to better my/our lives.

Telling me I could spend time with my friend and then getting angry at me for doing it. This is controlling me. I was in a no win situation. It was thoughtless to say ok but then get angry at me. I am no longer friends with her. I don't go any where except one time a month me and some girlfriends get together. He's ok with this. I spend almost all my time with him and my kids.

I didn't have the emotional affair with her boyfriend. He wanted something with me but I wouldn't do anything with him. I told husband about it. He told me to tell girlfriend even through the guy had backed off. I didn't want to cuz I knew her personality and I didn't want to lose my best friend. He keep on saying I had to say something. I did and yes I lost her as a best friend. My husband said that he was sad to see me sadden over losing my best friend but he was happy that she was gone.

Kat, you aren't going to fix your marriage by repeating over and over to yourself about his faults and glossing over the very grevious things you have done yourself. This thread should be moved to Surviving an Affair.

But you could see him there and you have proved that you have poor boundaries around men at the gym. Yet you still go there.


What about your boundaries though? None of this addresses that. What has changed since you allowed the OM at the gym to meet your needs?

In a good marriage, it is thoughtful to get your spouses agreement before you do anything. For example, before my H goes anywhere or spends any money, he consults with me to make sure I am ok with it. What is wrong with that?


Your husband shouldn't get angry with you, but you shouldn't do things that make him unhappy. If I have a friend that my H doesn't want me around, I don't go around that friend. And vice versa. Our marriage is much more important that any friend.



A real friend tells her friend when her significant other does something wrong. You had a moral obligation to tell your friend the truth. It is not your husband's fault you lost her as a friend.

He obviously doesn't like this friend, and asking you not to associate with her is not "controlling." On the other hand, it is thoughtless of you to keep her as a friend when it upsets your husband.

Was that friend WORTH upsetting your husband?

Kat35, you seem to make judgements about everyone but yourself.

Your husband is controlling. Your best friend couldn't handle the truth about her boyfriend.

Personally, your husbands advice about your best friends boyfriend was spot on. She deserves to know the truth about her boyfriend.

He may or may not be too controlling. Or he may see threats to his marriage and wants to protect the marriage and his family.

No boundary= going to the same gym as your OM, for the chance of running into him again.

No boundary=texting an OM(who is not blood related) about anything.

How does this protect your Love Bank from being filled by others that aren't your H? How do these protect your marriage and your H?

I have notified about moving to SAA.

In the meantime, have a read about Independent Behaviour and how it hurts your marriage.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html