Y'all are not getting the picture. I have had NO contact with OM since april of last year. I will continue to workout. I have worked hard to lose 40 pounds and will not gain it back. The emotional affair happen over a year ago. I haven't done anything like that since. The situation with my girlfriend is over too. We will never be friends again. Everyone seems to be talking bought the past. The girlfriends friendship ended in January.

The part I need help understanding is his rejecting and then blaming me. Then me not wanting to be touched by him and now getting sick when he does.

Do you think you have anything on your side of the street to clean up?

How is he supposed to know that? You still go back to the same place where it began. You realize there are a million other ways to workout than go to that particular gym.

Part of fixing your marriage is that you are going to have to acknowledge the destruction that you are causing to it as well.

Text-book reactions from both of you. Normal for him to cycle through different feelings about what you did. Re-read the postings you have received. The advice you have been given is spot on.

You should never go back to that gym. And you should never work out at any gym without your husband again.

What is odd is that you came here asking for help, then accuse us of not getting the picture.

I respectfully request that you step back and consider that we may be far more objective and have a better perspective to "get the picture" than someone who is personally involved in the situation.

Instead of trying to convince us regarding your impression of the picture, how about approaching this from the perspective that folks who have nothing to gain or lose by helping you may have an unbiased insight that you cannot have due to the personal nature of your situation.

We both have issues that we need to deal with and work on. I asked husband if he would like for me to quiet gym. He doesn't because he likes the new slimmer me. Plus our kids go there to do karate. So I work put then. Either I workout alone and talk to no one or I workout with other girlfriends.

My husband has said he forgives me for what I did. I also forgave husband for the porn back then. But he is still looking when he said he wouldn't.

I'll ask this question. How can I let him give me the emotional and sexual needs and me give him his sexual needs if I don't want him touching me and when he touches me it makes me sick?

I am and always have been a people pleaser and do not like to make people upset. That is why I didn't want to tell girlfriend about her boyfriend. This is why I backed out of the divorce. I want to try and please everyone, husband, kids and myself.

Have you seen this? Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

Also:

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BUT that is the place where you had the affair. You do not have good boundaries around men and have already proven you will have an affair there. You can also run into the OM there.


And you are still at the same gym with the OM. If you are serious about not having affairs, you would realize this is a bad place for you. The fact that you don't is extremely alarming and makes me wonder if you aren't shopping for more action there.


Didn't we already answer this?


That is a very poor excuse for failing to tell your friend what was being done behind her back. You were more worried about being liked than doing the right thing for her. You would have sold your friend out if it hadn't been for your husband. You sure weren't a "people pleaser" to your friend, your husband OR your children.

If you want to turn your marriage around, then STOP going to the gym and start using this program. You have fallen out of love with your husband and it doesn't help anything when you are going to the gym and seeing other men. We can show you how to fall in love again, but you have to first STOP playing around with your marriage.

If you want to work out, then set up a gym in your house. It is not hard to do at all. Your husband could work out with you. You don't have to go to a gym to work out. You can get much better workouts at home.

Hogwash. If all you do is try to please everyone, you never would have had an affair.

You do what YOU want to do and what makes YOU feel good. Don't pretend that you are just trying to keep everybody happy.

Well there are men everywhere. So I just can't stop going to a place because oops there are men. There are men where I work should I quit my job? There are men at my grocery store should I stop going there? No. It wasn't the place it was because I was working so closely with the guy. There are boundaries and I know them. This was my first time to have an emotional affair and it didn't get

Yes, you should stop going anywhere where your OM is and where you have had an affair. And you probably should quit your job if you work around men because you have poor boundaries around men. You obviously don't observe boundaries or you wouldn't still be going to a gym, especially one where you met your OM.

And it won't be the last time you have an affair because you don't learn from your mistakes.

I do try to please people. But your right I finally started doing stuff for myself. I decided to go back to school for myself. Now I am in a job I love and I'm good at. Maybe I was tired of pleasing everyone and started to actually please myself. Eating right, going to the gym, losing weight. I wasn't getting the emotional connection with my husband because he had started pushing me away a long time before. So once we were just roommates there was another guy who pushed me to better my self physical and I connected with him. I know what I did was wrong not saying it was right. I didn't want to hurt my husband again so that's why I asked for the divorce. Again trying to please him and think about him. But then I changed my mind and I want to make this work.

I thought at this site I would get maybe some answers or another lady that has gone through something similar. But, I feel like everyone is coming down on me for what I did. Guess what y'all can't harm me more than what I've out myself through. Guess I was wrong about this site. My all don't want to help. Y'all just want to point out over and over how I did wrong. Well his actions is no bed of roses either and he is just as much to blame for what happens as I am.

Would you like to have a GREAT marriage, Kat?
We know how you can have one, because we've done it ourselves.
But you're going to have to do some listening. Some of the things you will not like hearing. Are you willing to do that?

Kat,

I don't think you're paranoid delusional. I don't think you have a mental disorder. But I can't figure out why you think people are trying to harm you.

You are receiving advice from people who have done what you did, and who are married to someone who did what you did, and probably some people who've been on both sides! They're all telling you you need to make some changes.

Are you going to make those changes?


Who gives a rip who is to blame? Would you like to FIX it?

2nd to what Marcos said. You are also hearing from those whose ex-wives didn't put in place the proper boundaries, thought the material here was bunk and ended up driving their marriages into a ditch.

You will get all sorts of perspectives from folks who are very familiar with the warning signs.

The warning lights on the dashboard of your marriage are on. Why are you arguing about how severe you think the lights are. Stop the car and address the circumstances that are setting off the warning lights.

Don't keep driving thinking nothing is wrong, you will just do more damage.

Kat,

This forum is to help you (and your husband) change poor behaviours/habits and to create a happy wonderful marriage.

What you are asking, is to complain and rant about your husband without actually doing the difficult work to change it. If that is what you want, then let us move on to people who actually want to change their lives.

Here are the Basic Concepts to start with:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/3/194

No one is saying your husband hasn't done things wrong in the marriage. But we can't address your husband because he is not here, you are.