After 22 years in a good marriage with a<BR>wonderful loving husband, he told me that he has been unfaithful to me some 8 years ago but has not been since and will never again. Not once but 4 or 5 different times with different women. He use to work out of town some and that's when it happened. Says he only saw them once (picked up in bars or the out of town office). He didn't carry on affairs with one person - says he can't even remember most of their names. In telling me, he broke down and cried for hours and days after he couldn't even talk without crying. He has told me that it meant absolutely nothing and that he has never stopped loving me. There were just quick thrills. I was devestated to say the least. We both cried and cried and after talking things out - I forgave him. We are both dedicated Christians. Our marriage is better - we couldn't be better friends now. I know there were times that I wasn't the wife I should have been and now all that has changed - for the better. Forgetting is the problem. I often think about what they looked like, where they went, what they talked about, how it all came about and everything. The pain is bearing on me heavily but I don't think that bringing things up over and over is good for our marriage. Should I seek counseling? What do you think about the situation?

I think you just can't say something happened, I'm sorry & leave it at that. It may be possible, but you have to deal with what & why it happened in order to not get to that point again. Can't do that without at least discussing it a bit.<P>The focus should be on what you can do to make the relationship better so something like this does not have the possibility of happening again.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Swalley, How recent did your H tell you about his previous encounters? I may be misunderstanding your post but it seems as if things are better now. Has there been a period of recovery and just recently have you begun to feel this way? If I am correct in understanding your post, your H recently told you and you discussed it with him, and now things are going well but you seem to have all these questions. I think if you are able to go to a counselor and your H is wiling than you should do so. My w and I have been going to a counselor through our Church and he has been able to help us work out the questions I have had and how to deal with the pain. I think if you are unable to have your questions answered then you might build up resentment towards your H, and we know that's not good. Once you are able to get it all out then you are able to deal with the pain and there will not be a need to bring up the past, you will be able to move on and focus on the present and the future. Wait to see what others have to say, its like an encyclopedia of knowledge here.<P>God Bless

Thanks for your replies. H told me about 2 months ago. We have discussed in length the whys, was it something I did or didn't do and even some details of what he did. He tells me it wasn't me but that he was just at the wrong place, away from home, lonely and weak. A month after he told me, we renewed our wedding vows at his request and I agreed. He is a wonderful person - always has been and that's why it has been so hard to accept that he did this - not just once but multiple times. I am trying to forget the past because I have told him that I do forgive him and want to forget. He is willing to do anything that I ask of him - whatever it would take to help me - I'm just not sure what that is. During the time he told me about this - he was almost suicidal because he had broken our vows and hurt me so much. That's why I feel I need to not keep bringing things up and try to deal with them myself. He also says he now realizes that I am his very best friend and that our friendship means more than anything else in our marriage. I just wish I wouldn't keep thinking about details of what he might have done. There are times I hurt so bad to know that he was with someone else - I feel my heart will break. I have never been with anyone but him - we married when I waS 18. I also worry about the old saying - once unfaithful - always unfaithful. Need thoughts on ways that will help me - please let me know.

hi swalley, nice to meet you and welcome. I cannot write much at this time, but will return later. My h has also had affairs our entire marriage, some as you describe-one night stands, others with friends, some long term, some prostitutes. Not easy to reconcile with an h that has never been faithful. Not easy to have to think about the other aspects, such as disease, lies, and deceit that went along with the infidelity.<BR>And we beleived them....for over 20 yrs?! Yes we did.<BR>So, how do we heal? Trust was easy for me, but the inner pain has been overwhelming. <BR>(((hugs))) cl