Hey, I'm new to the site but I read some of the articles on here a while back after discovering my wife was having an affair.
About 4 years ago my wife became very distant and showed signs of having an affair, I was buried in work and didn't pay too much attention to it, after several months of me suspecting something I found a prepaid cellphone in her car with sexting and pics to other guys.
When i confronted her with the phone she blamed everything on me and said she was done with our marriage and had been dating other guys. She moved out for a couple weeks and then came back home and we decided to try to work on our marriage. We did so for a few months and it didn't work. I had trust issues and she was distant and cold. In July 2010 she packed her bags and moved back in with her parents in WI.
We didnt talk much over the next 2 years very much, we filed for divorce once but never went through with it (im in the military and travel alot and she gets free healthcare and benefits and we kind of just procrastinated getting a divorce)
We have both tried moving on and dated other people as if we were divorced but just never legally did it.
Anyway a couple months ago I was back home in WI on leave for a couple weeks and we ended up talking again and i took her on some dates which was actually really nice. we didnt fight or argue or talk about the past.
I never really got completely over her and seeing her again just amplified my feelings for her. We have continued to talk over the phone a couple times a week and i have brought up her coming down here to visit but she just says she cant get time off of work to do it.
Anyway our conversations have been growing less and less frequent so I asked her how she felt about the situation and she said she still loves me but were so far apart that she doesnt think it will work. (which I get because it would be a big commitment to just uproot her again to move back down here when I dont even know if i'll fully trust her again, especially since im deploying in 3 months.
So i'm kind of on the fence about this, I really do want her back but were both afraid it wont work again and her being over 1000 miles away makes it almost impossible to try to build trust again.
Does anybody have any insight on this?

Hi BMW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am glad you came here first before you made any moves here. The above sentence is the reason why this will never work. You can't have a marriage unless you are living together and spending every night together. Living apart is an invitation to an affair. You already know she actively seeks affairs and feels entitled to cheat on you.

Therefore, the only way you could ever have a future with her is a) if she changes her worldview about cheating and b) you live together and spend every night together.

If you can make that happen, then there is hope. If not, there is no hope and you are better off finding a new wife who believes in fidelity AFTER you have left the military.

Another thing you should consider is that unless she makes radical changes in her behavior, you could be setting yourself and your future children up for a disaster. Can you imagine going through this nightmare with 3 little children?

Is this the kind of mother you would choose for your children?

Do you have any children together?

Sorry I forgot to mention we don't have any kids. We started dating in 2006, married in 2008 and i found out about the affairs in 2009 and she moved out in 2010. It seems like she has changed a lot. She used to have a lot of guy friends and go out and party a lot, now she just has a couple female friends and doesn't really talk to other guys that I know of.
I know it would never work if we weren't close but its a big commitment for her to move back down here. I was thinking maybe trying to sort of "date" her long distance with like Skype and stuff and Ill be taking leave before I deploy. I don't know part of me still wants to just move on, but part of me wants to try things with her again

Would she be willing to implement extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair? Such as lead a completely transparent lifestyle? End all opposite sex friendships? And what about her attitude that she is entitled to have affairs?

Is she an alcoholic?

I actually asked her a question similar to that and she said she would be willing to have a transparent relationship but she's unsure about getting back together because she's scared if she moves here it won't work out and then she'll have to move back to WI for the 2nd time. And she regrets the affairs and said it makes her feel sick when she thinks about it. And no she's not an alcoholic she very rarely drinks anything at all.
I wouldn't be thinking about trying to get back together with her if I thought she hasn't changed. It was definitely the roughest patch in my life and I don't want to repeat it. But I do honestly think she's matured

You missed the part about no overnights apart. = no deployment. You will have to get out.

Well it's kind of hard to just get out of the military. I have been debating on getting out anyway but I reenlisted about 2 years ago so that's not possible for another 2 years anyway.

Then I wouldn't make any moves until you get out. You are not going to be able to sustain a marriage while in the military unless she can be with you every night.