Thanks for the list. That's what I need to present to her. 1-4 and 6 have been agreed to. 5 still needs to be brought to the table. She is willing to quit her job.

OK, but is she willing to not have any more jobs where she would be closely working with men?

And you didn't answer this:


My xWH after dday 3 was crying, begging me for another chance, called our MB coach, wrote me a letter. I was not able to look at the situation objectively so I made him post here. The vets were able to figure out very shortly that he was not really serious.

I urge you to have her post here. If she won't do that after destroying your family with this last affair and divorce, then you have your answer. And if she will, we will be able to tell very quickly if she is serious or not.

GJM,

Did WW ever take a polygraph? Would she be willing to do so on a yearly basis?

How about a very strong prenup?

Was WWs affairs ever widely exposed?

God Bless
Gamma

what is the question?

We're not talking about getting remarried at this time. Yes they were widely exposed. I didn't receive much support on her end. Everyone wanted to stay neutral. They don't have the Marriage Builders education that is here on the site. As far as the yearly basis polygraph, I don't have the answer, but I haven't read anywhere about yearly polygraphs. Only the one to get the answers of the affair.

A yearly polygraph would be the equivalent of bringing up the past affairs, I think. One polygraph about the affair, followed by strict EPs and complete transparency should be more than enough.

Also, Dr. Harley advises against prenups, especially for women.

Will she come here to post?

I'm not sure if she will or not. That is something that will need to be discussed. Before we get to that point, won't I need to put things in place first?

What things put into place? The only reason I could see doing things that way would be if you were trying to coax her into R.

At this point she should be willing to jump through hoops to try to fix this mess she has created. Just give her what was outlined above 1-6 and tell her straight out that you want to see how serious she is about learning about MB and fixing this mess and that you need to see her posting on the forum.

At this point I would be very very careful about confusing and subjecting your children to any more turmoil, if she is not serious. So you need to find out and I don't see any reason to wait.

This. GJM, your WW has shown NOTHING to you that should cause you to consider reconciliation.

Here's what your WW was working with: she was disillusioned with her place in life and wanted some attention. She got it with OM. We saw where that went. By default, and because she is obviously an overly prideful person, she refused to acknowledge her terrible choice because that would have caused her to have to humble herself.

So she went with the divorce (hoping you would stay in the wings if nothing better came along, and HELLO! you appear to have done so, so her plan is working for her, so far.) Now she's realizing that OM (who was really just a fantasy for her) is gone. Her kids, for all practical intents and purposes, are out of her sphere of nurturing and influence. YOU are gone. Girl's got nothing. She's now dealing with the reality of being on her own since Prince Charming turned out to be a fantasy, and because she appears to be soft and lazy about making a permanent decision regarding her choices, she's re-visiting her decision. She's realizing, in very lazy and immature fashion, that it's damned hard to be on her own.

She is looking for a soft place to land. You will have to determine if you will allow that.

If this had been her first mis-step, I'd encourage you. It's not. However, I suspect you really want to put your family back together, and I'm all for keeping families together. If the two of you end up attempting reconciliation, I would definitely suggest some very strong EPs. And I would make posting on MB a requirement for her, so we can work with her to switch the track she's been on. I would also suggest that she agree to counsel with Dr. Harley, who will be crucial toward straightening her out.

I would make these requirements absolute. No negotiation. And I suspect she will be amenable. At first. Until we get her on the forum. She's not going to like the heat, and GJM, you know she's going to get it. You're family, and you've been hurt. She's going to have to prove to us that she is up to the challenge of recovering this marriage. If she is committed, she will welcome our posts.

Your call, sir.

Yea if she doesn't agree to post I wouldn't bother a truly remorseful person would do ANYTHING to earn forgiveness.

OM didn't dump my ex wife. He calls her work every day and she hangs up on him. He is relentless in trying to keep her around. She's at the point where she doesn't answer the phone there anymore. His number is blocked on her cell phone and she has no problem with me handling it. There are a lot of "what ifs" and "could bes" here so I am aware of the possibility of anything happening. I'm not naive. I don't want there to be assumptions by poster or myself in regards to what her motives are. What I do know is OM never left his wife and just bought her a house. She left on Monday when he went to work and left him a note. She read it to me. My ex wife knew there would be no future with him and grew tired of the relationship last summer before telling him not to call anymore in November. I don't have proof nor can I verify this with anyone, but according to her she is done with him. Yes, I know she can't be trusted. I don't need this information. All of my questions have been answered, but not verified via ploygraph. Getting her to post may be hard to do. I really don't want her to read my thread either.

No, but when she left HER marriage, she had an expectation for him to leave HIS marriage as most OW do. When he wouldn't do it, she started to look back to you.



It seems like you look at this as a positve? This is very very bad. She hasn't even gone NC yet.


Why don't you just tell her you would like her to do so in order to fix this mess and see what she says? If she won't, it is more information for you to consider -- ie, how serious she is and what kind of effort she is willing to put in.

I believe your thread can be hidden. Notify the mods should she decide to post here.

Does OM's BW know this?


You also stated that your WW has been in contact with OM's BW. It doesn't sound like your WW mentioned the part about OM still trying to contact your WW.

I don't think the BW would see it as an effort to repair the marriage.

At this point it isn't so much what she is willing to do but how she is willing to do them.

Anyone can set up EP's ... but the actions to be honest with them is Key.

The only way a very selfish person(who engaged in a secret second life as long as she has) is serious about recovery of their marriage is when and only when they are willing to thoughtfully negotiate.

Her selfishness was most likely an anchor around your neck your entire marriage, and her dishonesty was the weight she used to strap that anchor to you.

Selfishness at this level is more character than just an action. The only way you will know if she is serious is if she gets her selfishness, and wants to remove herself from that realm.

Her EP's and what it would take to be with you is the 1st step because they should be so iron tight any selfish wayward will run for the hills quickly. If she is serious, she will be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to master them as well as make sure they show you care.

I'm sorry. Let me correct this in the interest of being accurate: you WW's OM didn't MARRY your ex. Because he refused to leave his wife, with whom he has built a new home. Whatever you want to call that. So there is no NC. Got it. They are in contact daily. I don't care if she hangs up on him - there is contact daily.

Question: this OM's wife, the one he just bought the house for. Have you and/or exWW called this woman to let her know that her hound-dog husband has been calling your ex daily?

Welcome back GJM. Please heed all the advice from everyone.

Wow there are so many red flags and I know you're smart and see them and everyone here has your best interest at heart.

What list of conditions have you given her and what has she met? What would you need from your XWW to feel safe in a M?

I would do as BH has advised if you haven't already. Write down a list of actions you would need to see from her that would demonstrate she is serious about recovery. Once she accomplishes all of them, then you can start thinking about reconciliation. Remember it takes 2-5 years to recover, so be prepared for the long haul if you go that route.

So she's playing the "he won't stop pestering me" card. She's telling you about the contact and minimizing its importance lest you find out yourself and question her. She's thinking ahead, that's for sure, so I'd say that it's just a matter of time before they resume contact.

Oh wait, they never stopped contact to begin with.

It reminds me of the time that I quit smoking but kept a spare pack in the drawer "just in case." Yeah, that worked really well.

Sorry, GJM, but I'd run from this one as she hasn't burned all of her bridges to the OM.

Have you asked her about the poly yet?

I have been thinking about your situation and the timeline. She has told you the affair was over back in November and approached you about reconciliation starting in about February. But now you are revealing that OM still calls her at work every day?

I know you are still in love with this woman and do not see the situation the way that we do, but GJM, she is not being honest with you. The affair was NOT over in Nov if he is still calling her daily. Additionally, we know what Dr Harley says about spouses moving out and she has never admitted to an affair back in 2001.

So I am very very curious to hear her response to the poly. Because I bet she tries to weasel out of that one....