We are the same way. Except surely you don't go out all messed up? Do you at least comb your hair and put on make up? When I say "dress up" I mean my H puts on a nice, clean shirt and I put on a cute outfit.

When we go out we don't have social interaction with anyone other than ourselves. That is the whole point. We focus on each other entirely.

tiredwife, when you go out on dates, do you at least try to dress up your appearance and look nice for your husband?

Why would you be sorry about that?? You do understand that each couple is to find things THEY enjoy, right? The goal is not to do things that OTHER PEOPLE enjoy. The goal is get 15+ hours of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. YOU choose the recreation.

Well, it depends on what we're doing. If we're going hiking, no.

I have curly hair, so I look like I just stuck my finger in a light socket if I brush it, lol. But I do try to make it look as neat as possible.

I never wear make-up. I'm not even sure I own any that would be safe to use, that's how long it's been since I've bought it.

I think my clothes are cute. My H seems to like them. But I'm not big on fashion by any means.

What does your husband find attractive? I am VERY BIG on fashion, wear make up, get facials and take meticulous care of my appearance. My H can't stand it, for example, when I wear a jogging suit in public. ["please don't go out looking like Walmart shopper!! ]

Do you take care of yourself? How did you dress when you were dating? Will your husband be honest with you about your appearance?

Ok, let me explain. To have fun, he loves to go camping and hiking. Problem is he leaves at 6am and gets back at 7pm, so he is way too tired to do it. Plus he will have times when he is on call. Lately call has been bad. Both this week and last week, he hasn't been able to come home at night as he has been doing surgeries most of the night and the next day.. So when he makes it back at 5, he is taking me for a walk out on our land and will sit and talk and try not to fall asleep! He is meeting me for lunch because I want to.. By the time he has downtime, he just doesn't feel like making the effort to go camping and wants to just piddle and relax. When we schedule the camping weekends, it is a BIG effort to get the trailer packed and ready to go and generally he is up late the night before we go and then he starts the weekend exhausted.. Hard to explain. 2 week camping trips work best: he is distant for 2 days while he decompresses, my happy husband for 10 days who is full of fun and then back to headaches and distance 2 days as he anticipates coming home and back to work.

Yes, I dress up in a blouse for our dates, but not when we go camping or hiking. He has fussed at me before for bringing make-up on a camping trip? (Why do you need it, you look beautiful the way you are.) I really jazzed myself up for 6 months and he never, ever commented. I mean shaved my legs, wore perfume, etc.. NOTHING!! His only comment to me is that he thought I should lose weight. I lost 17 pounds and have kept it up and he did say he was proud of me for that.

The idea is to find something you BOTH enjoy that will add to your romantic feelings. WITHOUT children, of course. You will have to figure that one out.

But we both enjoy camping and hiking!! I guess I don't understand what you mean. When we filled out the RC inventory our answers were almost identical.

He is just so tired and depressed from his job.. But he won't change it...

You do understand the point is to look nice for your spouse, right? And camping and hiking are also considered dates. What you on your dates is highly individual. I would not be caught dead camping or hiking. But that is something you and your H might enjoy.

The purpose is not to do exactly what I do on a date, but to follow the basic principles of the POUA.

Yes, I do.. I guess it would just be nice to get a reaction like, "Wow, you look hot or you look so beautiful.." ( Probably since admiration is my top need.) It is hard to keep doing something when he doesn't seem to care one way or another.

This. When a couple is in love and is practicing MB daily, cooking dinner together is just another extension of their alone-time.

Couples who are not in love will retreat to their respective 'home' corners and do what makes them feel comfortable, even after 'trying' UA time.

That's just how it is.

My H constantly tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful. He actually prefers me without make-up. I do take care of myself. I just prefer the natural look, that's all.

I agree that the point is to look the way your spouse prefers, whatever that is. I always wore full make up, and cute outfits, and took great care in my appearance EVERY DAY before we were married, then after having our brood, and being a SAHM, I developed my "home" look. This look included no make up and comfy but baggy sweats, shorts, and mens T's. Not cute! My H didn't prefer this look at all, and gave me subtle hints often that I simply ignored. I would even let my legs get stubbles, again I knew he liked for me to shave daily, but didn't worry about that.

Now when we go out I always take the time to fix myself up the way I used to, and he is always thrilled. I pay attention to which outfits he seems to really enjoy, and the colors and styles he likes and even buy clothes with this in mind.

At home I shave my legs daily, and have eliminated the home comfy clothes that he really hated, and have found things that are still comfortable and easy, but fit better, and always make an effort to look nicer even just around the house.

In my case this is important to my H. Some men don't care for make up or fussy outfits, long nails.. etc. Of course you just do whatever your spouse finds attractive.

Amen, tismeagain!

I could almost vote for the "don't care" department - but let it be said;

As a man, I found it to be a pain in the butt that my wife would put more effort to look good to go to Walmart than she would most days around me.

If you are putting in the effort to look good for ANYBODY, it should be your spouse.

Prisca is also an introvert - she hates even for waiters and waitresses to speak to us in restaurants, I think. I would think the style of dating Dr. Harley recommends would be ideal for introverts, because you really shouldn't be speaking to anybody, for the most part, other than your spouse. After all, that's where the intimate conversation is, and it can't be very intimate with other people in the conversation.

Somewhere in the recreational companionship or conversation chapter of HNHN (in recent editions), Dr. Harley basically describes dating couples as scheduling recreational activities as a "pretense" to get together and have conversation!

Dr. Harley actually makes no bones about the fact that most men HATE shopping!

I'm no fan of shopping - but given the right circumstances I can really enjoy it. If Prisca said "Let's go shopping tonight," I'd probably recoil, but if she said "Let's go look around at such and such store," and it was a store I like, I'd probably be very enthusiastic! Although still probably not for as many hours as Prisca would.

Exactly!

My DH hates mall shopping, but he really likes shopping at Walmart, Sam's or Bed, Bath and Beyond. He can tolerate SHORT forays into JC Penney's or Marshalls. Other than that, he only likes the tool stores, which I cannot stand.

Of course, every couple has to find things they enjoy so this is highly individual.

As an introvert, my H dislikes going to parties or being around other people.[socially] He enjoys going out with me alone which is the perfect type of UA time.