Okay, you gotta understand this: if you want to save your marriage, then throwing your wife out of the house will make that job harder.

Where did your wife sleep last night? Is she home?

Here's what you can do, and I've already posted this to you: when you are frustrated or upset, don't say or do anything, because whatever you are thinking of doing or saying will make your problem worse, I promise you.

Look into Dr. Harley's radio show. It is free to listen to, and he discusses anger management every week or so. Before his retirement, Dr. Harley ran a large chain of mental health clinics and did a lot of anger management therapy. And before that, he overcame angry outbursts himself.

Get a recent edition of the book Love Busters and go through the chapters on Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and especially Angry Outbursts. Work the exercises with your wife.


An angry outburst usually makes you feel better (and everyone around you feel worse).

I would contact Dr. Harley himself and see if both of you can speak to him on his radio program. He doesn't do active counseling any more other than the marriage builders online program, but he does do the radio show an hour every week day, for free. He would love to have both of you on, and often will continue to email with you to help you afterwards.

He will tell you the things we are telling you: you cannot recover your marriage without eliminating the angry outbursts, and you cannot recover your marriage if you cut corners and try to continue to have nights apart.

If I'm understanding right, these sure sound contradictory. But that's pretty typical in a lot of marriages. Husbands and wives often feel bound to go along with whatever makes their spouse happy, even when it makes them unhappy. But this is a real disaster for marriage.

A really striking example comes up on Dr. Harley's radio show frequently: pornography. Most wives are not enthusiastic about their husbands using pornography, and this is one reason Dr. Harley recommends not to use it. But a small minority of wives will say they are enthusiastic. Dr. Harley still says not to use it in those cases because it is still bad for marriage (and because frequently it turns out the wife is saying she is enthusiastic but doesn't actually feel enthusiastic - she is going along to get along).

Some decisions are just bad for a marriage, even if both husband and wife agree to them enthusiastically: pornography, swinging, hard drug use, unemployment, and nights apart! They are simply a bad idea.

Your wife has felt disconnected from you for your whole marriage, and a primary cause of that is the nights apart. If you want to recover your marriage, you can't dispense with finding a new solution that you and she are both enthusiastic about that does not involve spending nights apart. And again, even if you don't - being away from your daughter is not good for her, particularly after all of this trauma!

Apologize to your wife if you haven't done so yet. Promise her you will never lay another hand on her again. Tell her if you ever DO lose your temper again, YOU will be the one who has to leave home, not her.

Get into anger management, ASAP.

She did come home last night with our daughter and we had a very good talk. I'm done with the rigs and we will follow the plan.

Looks good, RNR.

Please take the anger problem very seriously. I dinked around here for far too longer not taking my anger problem seriously enough.

Get Love Busters, and listen to Dr. Harley's radio show, where he really touches on the subject of angry outbursts a lot. Better yet, talk to him personally!

If there really is some legal reason why you have the right to be in the home and she does not, I would look into getting that removed. You can't build a marriage of equals like that, with her at your mercy.

I got that apartment for me and our daughter. At the time we were not back as husband and wife. I am the lease holder but my wife will be put on the lease now. We will live 50/50 in everything.

RNR, I would start with the book Lovebusters FIRST. Order 2 copies, 1 for her and 1 for you and start doing the lessons right away, especially focusing on the first 5 chapters. She should highlight anything that stands out in a pink highlighter and you should do the same with a yellow. Then exchange the books and read what was important to each other.

There is also a good workbook that goes with it, that has questionnaires, lessons, etc in it. It is Five Steps to Romantic Love.

I'll do it that's a promise.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Edited

When you talk about what your wife is thinking like that, when she hasn't told you, you are engaging in a Disrespectful Judgment. I suggest you write this one down and keep a record of every time you notice yourself in a DJ, or everytime your wife tells you, or every time we on the board tell you. One of the most important things you need to do is to eliminate DJs. The goal in keeping a record is to go one full week without DJs. Eventually it will be for life!

How did you bring up the issue of the letter? Did you keep it unemotional? i.e., "Can I have a copy of the letter, and the address?" It only needs to be that simple. If you make it more complicated, you are likely to say something she finds disrespectful, which of course will upset her. Ask her if she feels that the way you brought it up was disrespectful. If so, note that on your record of DJs.

Just ask for the letter and the address, and then send it. There doesn't need to be any more discussion than that. Just do it and move on; no psychoanalyzing of whether she seemed reluctant or not or whatever. Dr. Harley's plan works when it is followed, no matter how she feels about it at first. So just do it, and don't use her attitude as an excuse to not do it!

She is still hurting from your angry outburst yesterday. You punched a big hole in her lovebank.

Have ya'll ordered the Lovebusters book and the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook yet?

Never, ever, ever, ever assume you know what she�s thinking.

If you do that 99.99999999% of the time you are going to be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

In this case you found out you were wrong didn't you?

Trust me BTDT.

Asking probing questions. Seek her perspective. It is the only respectful way to handle situations where things aren�t going as you expected.

�We talked about mailing the NC letter. What do you think?�.

Ripping the letter and saying you want the marriage is sending her mix messages! Translation: I want to work one the marriage (WW) but your making it harder than it already is. Plus, I'm scared of you how do I know you won't blow up again and bully me of you don't get your way.

Here's a recommendation I just made to your wife:

I think you guys could greatly benefit from sitting down together daily to listen to Dr. Harley's radio show:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

It's going to take a lot of education to make this work, and a lot of motivation. The radio show provides some of both.

Have the two of you mailed the NC letter?

No