Hello everyone, I am new to the site. First let me introduce myself, my name is Ann and I am 30 years old. My husband is John and he is 37 years old, we live in Maryland and have a lot going on! My cousins suggested this page because my husband and I have been going through a very hard time. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 9 months now, we were married on Sept. 15th of last year.

In my opinion I am at the "buyer" stage and have been for a very long time. To me divorce isn't an option and when things get tough I tend to be the first person to apologize after an argument and I try to do what I can to make my husband happy so I do not have to feel as though I have to walk on egg shells in my own home. In my eyes my husband is first and no matter what comes our way I am willing to meet challenges and come up with solutions, to the point to where I have neglected myself for years because I always put his wants and needs first... Which I admit has gotten me into trouble because I have neglected myself and have given him the idea that it's okay to just keep taking...

In my opinion my husband bases a lot of our happiness on our financial situations... When we have money to spend and we aren't struggling he seems happier... But the past few months have been EXTREMELY HARD. I got sick and had to take leave from work for a few months from an illness and surgery. Instead of being supportive and trying to understand the situation; he was just focused on the fact that I was out of work without leave and no pay. On top of that we gave up a lot of our assets before I got sick to his family and while we were struggling some of them didn't really seem to care to help us through the rough time we were having...

In turn our financial situation was and has been blamed on me 100%, he would get mad that we weren't getting the help that we should have had since we helped others out in their time of struggle. Problem is he can't express his feelings with his family and cannot seem to ever get upset with them. He currently sees a counselor where he admitted that he feels as though he has to wear many different hats for people in his family but feels he can only be his true self around me because I am his wife and he feels comfortable enough because I don't judge him.

I have been carrying around a huge grudge because while I put him first, it seems as though he puts his family first and they get ALL of the good sides of him and I get all of the tough and mean sides. I have been struggling because he is willing sacrifice for his family but seems to only do it to a certain extent for me and definitely seems as though he's willing to get what he wants when he wants and is definitely not willing to refuse my love and kindness. I think it�s also appropriate to mention that my family has been an EXTREME help to us and has really helped us a lot since he got injured and money became a problem for us but he tends to not appreciate it and still seem to think his family is gold and can do no wrong. This is frustrating for me because I have made a HUGE effort to do for his family and to have a great relationship with them and for the most part I am very close to most of his family and in a good place with a majority of them. I wish he could make the same effort and not keep himself so closed off.

During our marriage counseling we talked about "love languages" but we were also in a much better place. We determined that I was words of affirmation, and quality time as well as touch� My husband feels loved by receiving gifts and feeling important he said. These are things that I do naturally for anybody that I love but especially him, I want him to know that I love him and that he means the world to me. I constantly let him know what he means to me and how much I love him through words and doing nice things but this past year has really changed him.

Before getting engaged he lost his cousin who he was really close to and viewed as a father� He lost him to esophageal cancer and he stayed in the hospital with him and watched him suffer. His cousin�s passing came shortly after work injury and the day after his memorial he had to have shoulder surgery and was out of work and has been out of work for the past 2 years because of complications and multiple surgeries with the same injury. When we first lost his cousin he became a different person, a more loving and caring person. He had depression and was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety issues. He was seeing a counselor and I went to every appointment (even if all I did was sit in the waiting area) to show support. I attended the appointments with the Psychiatrist and went through a period where he couldn�t be left alone, I missed quite a bit of work trying to help him through everything. He asked me to marry him and said that losing his cousin made him prioritize the important things in life and that he didn�t want to live life without me. At that time he actually started caring about how he was treating me and become the type of man that I really felt was important as a boyfriend and importantly a husband.

But since the wedding planning and getting married he felt he was getting better so he went off of his meds and started doing things on his own for this recovery. Last December was the first anniversary of his cousin�s death and since then he has just become someone that is not recognizable to me. He seems as though he is more angry and easily made enraged than even before his cousin�s death. He is still having his panic attacks and seems to be pushing me away. Some things that I have said to him have been taken the wrong way and it seems no matter how I try to make up for it and explain the meaning behind what I have said, he pushes me away. In turn I feel as though I have to be loud and fight for him to listen to me and I am trying to get him to understand just where our marriage is right now�

I know men and women have different ways of communicating and I know men aren�t as open with their emotions and discussing them as a woman would be. I finally begged him last night to meet me half way and work at our marriage and stop putting everything on money. I am a Psychology major and I am going to be going back to school for my master�s degree in social working so I know �clinically� some ins and outs to dealing with situations but when it�s YOUR situation it makes it harder to practice the things you have learned in school. I actually gave him an �easy out� of our marriage if he�s going to base everything on money and possessions and pointed out to him that are marriage isn�t going well right now� In the past few months we haven�t said very much to each other and it seems lately we argue more than we talk nicely to one another and we haven�t been sleeping in the same room. I pointed this out to him last night and asked him to work on our marriage and told him he needed to figure out if he�s willing to do that but I wasn�t going to be able to live in the same environment forever because it isn�t fair to either of us.

Last night I can honestly say that after I got upset and shared my feelings and said I said about having to work together at our marriage, it cannot just be myself he ended up crawling into bed last night and today he has been talking to me and sharing a little bit more with me� But I know we aren�t out of the woods yet. I try to walk away and not fight with him but he isn�t sticking to the agreement that we had with his counselor to walk away and not argue but revisit the issue the following day to talk about it calmly. I am not too sure how to really get through to him, my idea is to get my own counselor and work on myself and start doing a little more for myself so that way not all of the effort is being made to make him happy and giving him what feels like all the �power� and advantages. I feel that there are many issues going on and I don�t think it is all related to the marriage but everything seems to be affecting the marriage.
So my question is has anybody dealt with some of the issues, have you been successful at battling them and what actually helped to make changes for the better and not the worst? How do you make someone understand that life isn�t about money and that ALL financial situations are temporary and that there will ALWAYS be bills in our lives? How do you deal with different communication styles or sometimes what feels like the lack of a communication style? How do you try to help someone grow up without hurting them, which I feel like I have kind of done myself by allowing him to stay the way he was since he was child and getting everything that he wants and not focusing on necessities first?

I am sorry if things seem all over the place with this first post, it is really hard for me to write and share about myself and not sure what all needs to be shared to gain the perspective that I need. I appreciate any advice!

Welcome to MB. Have you read all the links in here Start Here First-Welcome Aboard?

Yes, I have been reading through a lot of these pages. I am certainly noticing things that I do that are wrong or aren't always the right choices. My conclusion right now is that I cannot change my husband and right now while he's dealing with his issues he may not be willing to deal with the marriage issues just yet... So I am going to work on my issues and the things I can change by myself.

One thing I did find interested was the relaxation meter and program. I am definitely a VERY emotional person and my emotions have ALWAYS gotten the best of me. I either cry hysterically or I am screaming. Currently my husband has been having issues with panic attacks and anxiety issues. I am thinking about in the future ordering both of us the program and learning to see if we can both control our reactions to not only marital issues but life issues as well.

I just got done cleaning for hours and my husband watched me do it and didn't bother to help. When I asked him if he was going to play on the computer all day, he said "that's the current plan right now." I was so infuriated that he wouldn't be willing to chip in and help take care of our home together. But my wonderful cousin just pointed out to me that I have to politely ask for help and I cannot just assume he knows that I want to help. My problem is I sometimes do not feel like he is even interested in helping.

I left "his areas" a mess so he has to clean something and have responsibility too but it's still hard.

I am certainly learning a lot, I think right now the comfort is knowing that I am not the only one going through some of the same issues and that I am not alone in feeling the emotions and frustrations that I have been feeling. I am looking forward to being able to change and work on things and I certainly haven't lost all hope... yet.

Have you seen these?
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiations
How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person

Yes I read those before I responded to your earlier post.

Welcome to MB!

Is your H open to doing MB? I know you wrote that you guys are currently in MC...but if you use the MB program you wont need that.

Have you read the basic concepts? How much UA time are you guys getting a week currently? I have found that this makes the biggest difference in my marriage.

You are right that sleeping in separate rooms is a big problem. That needs to stop.

It sounds like you guys have developed bad marriage habits and have fallen out of love, but you have come to the right place! You will be amazed at the difference this program can make!

We are currently not in MC, he is just going to a personal therapist right now. He seems to be in denial that there is something wrong with our marriage, it wasn't until Thursday night when I begged him to meet me half way and work on our marriage and pointed out that sleeping in separate rooms and not talking to each other often is a SERIOUS issue. He blames me A LOT for his own actions in our marriage (i.e. when we fight and he is nasty to me it, it's because I provoked him to be) but constantly tells me I need to take responsibility.

I have read the basic concepts and definitely think that things need to change. As of recently before I went back to work we were together ALL DAY EVERYDAY for a few months because of me being sick, having surgery and healing and because he's been out of work for his injury. I think being around each other this much certainly made things even more difficult. I have been back at work for a few weeks now so we aren't spending as much time together. We are hoping that he'll get back to work with a job where he has similar days and hours so it doesn't throw time we see each other and can do things together- off track so to say. Since I work full-time Monday-Friday 8-5 and live in an area where traffic is horrible I am only home for 3 hours a day and most of the time focus on things that need to be done before I get to bed. On the weekends I try to do the things he wants to do so we do bond and we are on neutral ground and we enjoy each other's time.

We have been sleeping in the same room the past few nights and we have talked to each other more, he has been sharing with me more than he had been but it's still not right- and I know it's not just because I am a super emotional person.

We certainly have developed bad habits in our marriage but in opposite of ways. I have given my all to him and have neglected myself and that has allowed him to think only about himself. I constantly make excuses for his actions and why he sees things the way that he does and I know this has gotten us into trouble (I realize this personally and his counselor has told me as well).

He isn't going to be doing MB, I can't get him to understand that there are issues yet because he's so focused on the things that are happening to him personally (panic attacks, anxiety attacks, issues with his family going on revolving around his Grandmother (who is the most important person to him) being ill and struggling with her suffering personally). I feel the more that I pressure him, the more I push him away and the more strained things become.

This past year has just been a HUGE snowball of negative or stressful events and we haven't been able to recover from them. I know that I reacted too emotional and my husband SEEMS to have no emotion. I feel at odds. I am hoping if I work on myself and my husband sees a change, then maybe it will turn things around he'll be willing to work on it too.

Is this crazy? I know not to base me changing on the hopes of him following suit, I am doing it for myself and my sanity and to change my feelings towards everything. His counselor has told me a few times sometimes I am going to have to step up and be the bigger person to get him to follow suit and it may take some time but it's like what we learn as children... Process of elimination and example.

Welcome to MB! Take a look at this wonderful thread Auntie Pep on Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.

Buyers never say 'divorce is not an option'. They say 'a bad marriage is not an option'.

Buyers never do what ever they can to make their spouse happy, they negotiate solutions that make both happy.

Haven't read your thread yet, but just wanted to pop in and tell you that I love your user name.

I wear a palm tree necklace that my mom gave me that symbolizes that we will bend in storms but not break.

Thanks! Those are some lyrics to one of my favorite songs right now... I love it because it explains where I am at right now... I am not broken, I still feel like I have hope and that things can change. Sometimes difficult things in our lives happen to change us for a reason(s) but that doesn't mean we are broken and cannot recover. That's how I am trying to look at all of this right now.

What's up w/ the panic and anxiety attacks?

It sounds like your H has some health/mental health issues to address.

Sorry about the mistake about the MC.

Sounds like your emotional needs are not being met by your husband. His FOO should NOT be the most important to him, you should!

Have you talked to him about getting back on his meds for his anxiety?

If your husband will not make you and the marriage his priority this won't work.

Bent,

You two sound like most couples that come here struggling. Sort of lost with no idea, no true working plan to make the M better.

I, too, have used the Love Languages concepts just not through a counselor. They are similar to Dr Harley�s Emotional Needs � yet not exact. My W and I also tried traditional counseling too.

Neither of those, nor me trying to implement this program alone made much difference in our M. It wasn�t until her and I did the phone counseling with Dr Jennifer Chalmer�s (Dr Harley�s daughter) that things changed for us.

I would drop the MC you have. I doubt you�ll see the results you want. Most MC�ing is sitting around re-hashing the past. You won�t get that with the MB counseling. Instead you will get a very specific set of action items that you have to implement. Feelings follow actions.

Here's a good clip on negotiating.

Radio Clip on Negotiating