Is there any helpful advise in helping your spouse through the withdrawal period from her other lover? How long does withdrawal usually last?

Hi Reece,

Here is what Dr. Harley says:

" Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Dr. Harley writes that withdrawal is only possible if there is no contact at all with the affair partner. Here is advice for recovering romantic love after withdrawal:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html



A lot of people here suggest reading Surviving an Affair. I actually think his "Coping with Infidelity" and "Surviving Infidelity" links on this site are as good or better. Good luck.

Reecee, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Who is the OM (other man)? Did/do they work together? How long have the two of you been married? Any kids?

How long ago did the affair end, and do you have solid confirmation that there has been no contact between the two of them?

There are many things you can do to help your spouse through this period while you're rebuilding your marriage. Could you answer the above questions? That will help us understand where the two of you are in your recovery process.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

Also this. Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

maritalbliss, the OM is a past client and friend of my wife's. We have been in a relationship for 20yrs and have been married for 12yrs. We have three beautiful daughters ages 2,5, and 8. My wife came to me last September and asked for a separation. She moved out November 1. The OM was a friend at the time and became her biggest supporter. There friendship became physical in early November. I discovered MB in early December and started implementing Plan A. The effects this has had on our daughters and the splitting of custody has caused her to consider working on our marriage. She feels that she need separation from the OM for a period of time to make her decision to work on our marriage or pursue a serious relationship with OM. She has tried to go NC with OM three previous times and could get to day 10 and then gives in and contacts him. She wants to try again starting this weekend. I want to support her but this is tearing me apart!! I currently am residing on her couch since January because our daughters were so torn apart I felt we needed to do something. My wife and I a business partners, so we are with each other most hours of the day. We are getting along extremely well, but she only allows me so close. I have thought about implementing plan b but it comes very sticky being business partners. In addition, she ended up in a partial inpatient hospital in January for three weeks when reality hit her about the splitting of our family and her only having our girls 50% of the time. Looking for any advise!!

Is the OM married? To whom have you exposed the affair?

And I assure you the affair is the REASON for her desire to split up. They had sex long before you broke up.

Have you confronted this piece of crap face to face?

yes, I have had the luxury to confront him several times. Not sure how I kept my cool. I have exposed to his bosses, our office staff, my parents and sibling, her parents and sibling, our priest. his parents are aware of it but I personally did not expose to them. I am struggling with our girls because of there age and I am battling my feelings about that. he is not married, he is 10 yrs younger than me and my wife.

The 5 yr old and the 8 yr old are old enough to be told all about it. I would also expose to the OM's parents and his facebook friends. Do you know if he has facebook page?

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk about a plan.

he has a facebook page but has his privacy setting on high, so I cant get to his friend list. To update you, she scheduled to have a NC meeting with him Friday Night. She has not returned home. She wont answer her phone but has answer my text claiming that she need extra time because the OM just doesn't understand and this would not be her choose if we did not have children together so it is the hardest thing she has every done. Is it time for plan B. We were on the radio show two months ago, at that time she had broken it off and we had a plan forward. The OM wont leave her alone, but she allows it!!!

:::facepalm:::
Reecee, she doesn't need to "schedule a NC meeting." Scheduling a NC meeting is a euphemism for "spending the weekend with OM." If this continues, she'll be coming up with lame excuses and will be "scheduling meetings" every weekend.

What happened after the radio show? You say you had a plan forward. What was it? Clearly, it didn't work. Did she give him a NC letter? Change her phone number?

Reecee, I'm going to cut up your post a bit so I can address some things separately:

Your 5 & 8 year olds need to be told. They are surely feeling the tension in your home and need to understand that it is nothing they have done that has caused it. They need to know that Mommy is behaving like a married person with another man, and that is wrong. If you are a religious family, ask them to pray that Mommy will realize that what she is doing is wrong and will stop doing it. Either way, let them know that you love them (don't speak for your WW in this regard) and that they are safe with you.

Because she is an addict. What have the two of you done to establish any kind of NC? I say "the two of you" because she obviously can't do this alone and will need your help and support.

That's why you're getting along so well. She's cake-eating. All of her needs are being met by both of you.

Are you saying she had a breakdown? I'm not clear on your timeline. So, the affair started prior to November, she moved out in November and then was hospitalized in January? What happened after that?

maritalbliss,
The plan after the radio show was to work through the withdrawal stage to allow her to come out of the fog. She wrote a no contact letter but would not disclose it to me. I am trying to be very supportive, my wife is a extremely emotional person and strongly feel put the OM out of her life is the wrong answer. She claims he brings her so much clarity in life. If she could figure out a way to survive without our girls full time she strongly feel she would have moved on. I feel like I am being walked all over in my plan A. With me sleeping on her couch, she has the kids full time. We are self employed and both work for our business so I have a good accounting of her time. This weekend would have been the first time she has physically seen him for a couple of months. They communicate via phone and text though. The OM is about at he wits end though. He wants a decision from her. Yes she had a breakdown in January, according to her it was about the effects of being part time mom. I feel it was a combination of what divorce truly looked like!! We separated in September, at that time I would say she was having an emotional affair with the OM. She moved out in Nov. at that time the affair became physical. We immediately started to divide assets, because she was adamant about getting a divorce. I asked her to slow down and work on our marriage. She said no way it was over. I brought her the MB program in late December. In January she had a breakdown. She has told me she feels like she is being torn in half. Her and to OM, have already planned out there future (kids, house, how long until they incorporate our kids in his life. I feel like I need to implement Plan B as right now she does not have a true picture of divorce. But, I also want to support her, if she is truly trying to put the OM out of her life. I have read a lot of material on this site include SAA, Lovebuster and His need her needs. It is extremely difficult to inflict more pain on a woman you love so much and removing the kids from her life fulltime will cripple her, but I see no other answer than Plan B. advise

BTW, She felt a meeting was in order instead of the NC letter(which she had done previously) in order to help him understand why she had to do this. She says he is person she loves deeply and it is important to her that he understands it has to be this way and why he needs to respect her wishes.

Your wife will not withdraw until she ends her addiction.

Having any contact at all resets the withdrawal clock, resets the recovery clock, and each reset lowers your chance to recover your marriage.


You need to put your foot down; you do NOT "support" her adultery. You demand it ends. You do not leave the home. If she wants to pursue her adultery, she needs to leave the home and leave the children in your custody.

You need to get a grip on yourself, sir.


Also; Plan B isn't a strong recommendation for the insanity that is a Wayward Wife.

You need to read up on Plan A - and apply both carrot and stick.

Reecee, she won't begin withdrawal until there is NC. NC has never been accomplished, here. What you are seeing in her right now is a state of conflict.

Then this was done incorrectly. The best way to accomplish the NC letter is that SHE writes the letter, YOU approve the wording and you BOTH mail it together. In conjunction with writing the letter, ALL contact ability must be ended. Cell phone number changed, she does not answer the phone at work or accept calls that you have not screened, no Facebook or other social media. These are Extraordinary Precautions that will help you cut this loser out of your lives permanently so you can begin recovery. She remains in contact with him to this day. Recovery cannot begin under these conditions.

Women don't separate from their husbands because they've got a crush on someone. You can consider that the affair was physical at that point.

Fantasy-affair crap. Ignore this. Affairing couples like to paint their rosy little picture of how wonderful their lives will be.

Did you mention to her that you will NEVER allow your dear children to be around that POS? Reecee, you've never agreed that OM could be around your children, have you? Do you realize how high the incidence of child molestation is, when Mom has a boyfriend??

It sounds like your best bet is to make sure you are clear with her that divorce will NOT be a pretty picture; that you will go for full custody of the kids and will have her OM called into court as a party to the divorce. The kids are her weakness right now. OM knows it and is likely painting that pretty picture for her, where they'll have the kids and have a happy little life. You need to disabuse her of this notion.

You also need to let her know that you will not be her friend after divorce. There are economic consequences, as well: you'll have to end your business arrangement with her, since you do not deserve to have the filth of the affair rubbed in your face daily.

But...you're NOT doing that - SHE IS. If she wants them full-time, she needs to be a full-time wife to you! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. You are only dealing with the fall-out of the affair. Losing full-time custody of her children is part of the fall-out, and is HER DOING.

Yes, I think you need to be looking at Plan B for your own sanity. Let us help guide you through that when you're ready.

And don't talk to her about any of this, okay? Don't mention Marriage Builders or Plan B or anything else to her. This is a valuable resource - you don't want to lose it by tipping your hand that you are getting help to kill the affair.

You mean she went to spend the weekend with the OM and told you she was getting "closure," right? Why in the world would you allow your wife to go off and screw the OM all weekend with no objection??

You must have misunderstood or misinformed Dr Harley because obviously she will not withdraw until all contact ends. That is like saying the plan is for the alcoholic to sober up and come out of the fog without ever addressing the continued drinking. Do you understand? There will be no withdrawal until the contact ends.


Because she has not ended contact. She is off shagging the OM all weekend.


Putting the OM out of her life is the right answer. The OM is destroying your life, your wife's and the children. Surely you can see this?

Can you see the OM's posts on his facebook page? Sometimes you can see the names of those commenting on his posts.

Do you know the date you were on the radio show? Maybe our dear friend Brainy can locate your segment for us, if you know.

Most women are extremely emotional. Do you think it is fair and right to subject your daughter to this type of lifestyle? Any pain caused to her at this point is of her own doing. You need to understand that and make that very clear to her.

As many on here have said, your wife is the one causing the pain and destruction but you are enabling her to do so. This will only cause more pain and destruction to your family, especially your girls.

You are doing no one any favors by continuing to live this lifestyle and allow your wife to opening have her affair around you and your daughters.

You said you have read a number of books by Dr. H and gone on the radio show. Why then are you not following the advice given in both the books and on the show?