I too have struggled with AO's throughout my experience.

Extremely difficult to contain the anger under these circumstances. I completely understand. The hurt is just so extraordinarily deep.

You are experiencing new emotions that you have never dealt with before.

One thing that Dr Harley emphasizes that has really helped me is that no one can MAKE us have an AO. It is always a choice�.every single time. Hard? Yes. Very.

What I try to do is when I feel my pulse start to increase, I will do my best to just walk away until the adrenaline goes out of my system and I can think more clearly. Exercise helps too.

Mind over matter my friend. It is a learned skill.

One line of thought you might consider is that what you are creating for your daughter is a Happy, Loving Marriage so you can be there for her and preventing a broken home.

In any successful recovery, you don't just go back to the pre-affair marriage. You marriage *has* to be better. Sometimes, I miss my pre-affair marriage, because it seemed so much simpler then. But, those days are gone. My present marriage is much better, but it is also more work.

You guys are going to need to learn to avoid arguments at all costs, or you are going to destroy your marriage. There won't be anything to save here.

You have got to completely eliminate any thing you do or say that she interprets as demanding, disrespectful, or angry. And she has got to do the same thing.

MelodyLane asked if you have the book Love Busters yet. I didn't see an answer, but maybe I missed it. You guys are not going to survive if you don't get through Dr. Harley's advice in the first few chapters on demands, disrespect, and anger. I would really start looking into professional help at this point: either Dr. Harley's online program, or coaching through Steve Harley or Dr. Chalmers. And in addition to that, probably anger management.

Because we know what you guys need to do in order to be happy, and we want you to be happy.

RNR, that is just textbook AO! An angry outburst makes YOU feel better, at the expense of the people around you (in this case, your wife). You got to vent, and it felt great. That doesn't mean it was a good thing - it makes recovery harder.

Why do you need to show her you aren't scared? What the heck difference does it make????

Is "showing your wife you aren't scared" a step in Dr. Harley's plan for marital recovery? It doesn't look like it to me. Is it a step in Dr. Harley's plan for recovering from an affair when you aren't going to stay married? It sure doesn't look like it to me!! Does "showing your wife you aren't scared" lead to your long term happiness? I doubt it.

Don't call the police unless your wife is violent. Threatening to call the cops is not violent. (And I don't think she should've been threatening to call the cops here, for the record.)

That is the right response. And then you should just quit talking about it. Don't fight about it. If she wants to call the cops, let her.

This doesn't add up for me, RNR. She threatened to call the cops because you wouldn't talk about the affair? That doesn't make sense. Why would she do that?

If you're going to recover you have to make home a place she wants to be. And you need to strive to be the husband she needs. Yeah. It sucks when you're hurting to have to be her soft place to land.

She can't do this for you if you won't do it for her.

Recovery IS hard. I got cheated on once by a boyfriend I adored (i realize this is no comparison to being married with kids). We tried to make it right for a couple months but my pain and resentment only deepened over time. He wanted to make things right but I started feeling sick every time I looked at him.

You can't stay married and go this route just to make a 'family' for your daughter. It won't work and your daughter will suffer. Maybe you think you'll stay married and make your wife's life hell by being unpleasant to be around? A sort of slow, punishing death?

Sometimes divorce is the best outcome. Some of us simply can't ever get past a betrayal of this magnitude.

You don't need to figure it all out today but you do need to get a sense of how you can work more productively with your feelings. For yourself, your wife and your child. What can you do today to help yourself cope with the pain? Something healthy.

That's just it. I don't know what I need to know. I've lost so much over the past few months. There's too much happening inside my head that I can't seem to get any form of linear thought. All this coupled with the lose of my job as well. Going from 150000 to 40000 a year and a job that I love is causing me a great deal of chaos inside as I never did this but I have the greatest sacrifices to make for someone I love but did not care enough about me to not give me the greatest betrayal of my life. I don't even know where to begin most of the time.

Job loss is difficult. Add adultery to the mix and you have a very potent depression/despair combo. Will you get some anti depressants? They help a lot! So does exercise.

Also, things that sooth your body. Go for walks in a beautiful park. Listen to your favorite music. From what I'm picking up on both threads, you're overwhelmed and may even be disassociated from your own behavior. Perhaps you can't even see how you're reacting and the effect it's having?

Please take good care of yourself. Start with simple things. Be a body for a bit and shift out of the mind. I know it's hard. get help with this!!

RNR, I agree that it isn't fair. We get betrayed then sometimes have to give up more than our waywards while dealing with so much pain and do it with a smile on our face. It isn't fair, but God has called us to be Men and to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Christ didn't get angry because people were doing the wrong thing, he sacrificed himself to help them heal and come to God.

RnR. When the cops came to see me after my wife called them on me, it was a HUGE wake up call for me. They even told me that since my wife filed a domestic violence case against me, that if I even so much as slammed a cupboard or door in my home that frightened my wife I would be arrested.

I got myself a GSR2 bio feedback device and practiced controlling that machine to assist with lowering my anxiety. They are tricky to control but once you practice with it a bunch of times it helps you recognize your own inner self and you can feel yourself change states inwardly. Of course we fooled around with it a bit and practiced increasing anxiety with loud noises and such and also thoughts like christmas etc. And sure enough even a negative thought gives you anxiety before you even notice it. The gsr2 picks up on it before you yourself does. Totally facinating.

MNG

Got an answer? Did you read my post?

I still haven't seen an answer to this. This is crucial; are you reading and acting on the suggestions given?

I am starting to think you guys are going to need professional help. Two very serious fights in just a couple of days. If the two of you cannot each eliminate your demands, disrespect, and anger on your own, this marriage is not going to recover.

Did I see earlier that you were thinking of writing Dr. Harley on his radio show? I would strongly encourage you to do that.

I am really worried that with all of the fighting, you guys are not going to be able to pull this off without professional help. Unless the demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts can completely be eliminated, there is no hope. It sounds like every time somebody makes a demand, there is an escalating response. Your wife already has bruises on her. Somebody is going to wind up in the hospital or in jail.

Why are you not answering my questions? Were you having an angry outburst - is that why she threatened to call the cops? It doesn't make any sense that she would call the cops because you had told her you weren't ready to talk about the affair. How did you tell her?

I don't even know where to begin most of the time.

That's not true. You have been counseled virtually every step of the way....and you have almost assiduously avoided following the plan, and personal guidance, available to you on this thread.

How about LISTENING TO and HEEDING the folks here, instead of giving them the "Oh, yeah, sure..." and then dashing off to perform some increasingly unproductive action?

Time to take off the diapers, dude, and pull on your big-boy britches. Here's some reality that you had better try swallowing. If you can't get it down, at least you'll know it sooner than later.

- WWs lie. Got it? They lied before, and until they see it in their own selfish interest (occasionally by compassion for BH, but more likely FEAR of making things worse) they will continue to lie.

- LIFE AIN'T FAIR! It wasn't fair before D-day (although you might have known it so clearly), it sure as HELL hasn't been fair since, and won't likely improve for some time.

- "Fresh" WWs are prone to (and your particular WW seems to be the poster child) interpreting and presenting all their sins and failures in terms of reactions to (real, or perceived) failures of their BHs. Why? Well, certainly, as the realization dawns that she behaved like a common street tart (worse, actually, unless she actually did charge for her sessions!), the WW must construct an alternative, more digestible, reality, as in "He made me do it!"

- Right now, anything you "dream up" to address your situation will probably do more harm than good. YOU know NOTHING about recovery; the experts posting to you are accorded that title on the basis (for the most part) of having gotten through your crisis successfully.

All of which leads us to this: You have performed the almost impossible. Your abusive, bullying stupidity (Seriously, a preemptive call to the police, with her bruises from last week still fresh?) have swung much of the empathy from folks on this site, who otherwise wouldn't piss on a WS if they were on fire, over to HER!

I see you soon wearing the matching cufflinks the LEPs fitted me with on D-night, dude. If you think you face an uphill battle to recover any shard of your self-respect NOW, try doing it while defending yourself from a DV complaint.

Ask CP. Ask SMM. Or simply take NG's word for it: It will destroy any hope of saving your family if WW gets the opportunity to stick it to you legally. Then the conversation in your family/town will no longer be "Did you hear WW screwed around on RNR?", but, "It's a wonder she stayed with that beast as long as she did!"