Greg, some really good things here until I got to this part. This is a huge red flag because it is a wide, open door to the OM. Do you know how long it takes to unblock someone on FB? About 3 seconds. This is one of the top ways that affairs start and resume. As long as this door is wide open, there is a big risk of the affair resuming. Blocking him on fb won't resolve the problem because she will a) still be triggered by his presence on facebook and b) can easily go look at his pictures on facebook. She will probably even get frequent reminders from facebook with his picture to make the OM a friend.

There is no good reason that a person who has had an affair should keep a facebook page. None. It will keep the OM top of mind and will most likely lead to a resumption of the affair. Don't take that chance with your marriage, it is not worth it.

And you might get a lot out of this article: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

MelodyLane,
OK. I will follow up with this. Thanks! Greg

Facebook can also open doors to other men as well. So for a women who has poor boundaries with men, Facebook is not a safe environment. It's like a virtual class reunion where people meet each others EN's for conversation.

Replace FB time with UA (undivided attention) time.

What would ya'll suggest would be the best way to approach her about closing the FB account? Would it be a good compromise to propose to her to have a joint account with both of us having the same account? I know some couples have joint accounts and I think I would be fine with this solution. If that is not a good idea, then I can ask for her to simply get rid of it but I would like some guideance on the best way to approach this?

I don't recommend a joint account. My wife was able to pursue a relationship with a friend of mine with our joint account. We eliminated Facebook entirely.

Greg,

Melody posted She will probably even get frequent reminders from facebook with his picture to make the OM a friend.

I hope you took in this point as it deserves even more attention, not only will facebook keep trying to reconnect your WW and OM, but it will also suggest friends of OM that your WW should friend.

God Bless
Gamma

Markos and I had a joint account when I had my EA on Facebook. I still managed to hide it from him. Joint accounts are no protection against an affair. I believe joint accounts are MORE dangerous because they give a false sense of security.

And Facebook will be a trigger for her. She will constantly be reminded of OM, even if he's blocked.

Anybody who has had an affair has no business being on a social network site. This needs to be an EP for her. "I need you to protect our marriage by blocking Facebook and agreeing to never join another social networking site again."

Greg, I would just her know that you do not feel safe with her being on Facebook because you have learned it is notorious for affairs. Tell her that your marriage means too much to you to be taking such chances and ask her to remove it. This is a very basic extraordinary precaution recommended by Dr Harley, the author of Surviving an Affair.

We get about 3 to 4 new affairs presenting on this forum every week that started on Facebook.

I can tell you that since my FWW's A started with FB...her having a FB account was not negotiated at all.


It was a condition for me to start R that she was off of it forever.

edit:: I also deleted my FB account as I hate it. Period.

Using the POJA, you can negotiate every aspect of your R and moving forward in your new M. However, for the FWS, some EP's are not negotiable.

One way you can negotiate things is that you both play by basically all the same rules. You can let her know that you too plan to be completely transparent with everything about your life. You both should follow this rule.

Exactamundo, EPs are not negotiable.

How much have you studied the POJA and RH?

OK. Understood and thanks! Makes sense to me! I know what POJA means and yes I am reading that part of the book now. But what does "RH" mean?

RH = Radical Honesty

POJA and RH will completely solve the majority of your problems. They are very difficult concepts to master. It takes a lot of dedication and practice to perfect. W and I consistently discuss these rules in an effort to get better. Not easy but they are getting easier over time the more we practice!

Most people sacrifice their own happiness for their spouse to be happy. However, Dr Haley�s belief is that this is not sustainable long-term. That is why he insists on both H and W being enthusiastic about every decision in the M.

Dr Harley speaks about them quite often on the daily radio program. Lots of people have questions about these policies.

These 2 rules should be at the forefront and be present in all aspects of your new M.

Taking the time to REALLY study these and master will pay huge dividends in the success of our M.

OK. Great! Thanks! Acronyms are not one of my strong points in life.

I would add undivided attention (UA) to POJA and RH: 15-20 hours of it a week.

She seems to really appreciate the UA and conversation and she is like a new person. Yesterday she told me that she had the same feelings toward me that she had when we were engaged. She had never not loved me, it was just that we (she mostly) felt as if we were in a rut and she craved the need for conversation. She never expressed this need or that I was not fulfilling this need in the past. The RH will force us to always express to each other what is on our minds and let one another know if something is wrong or a need is not being met. She now speaks much more openly with me and, in turn, me with her. She told me last night that what she felt during the EA & A was a high and then apolgized again and asked my forgiveness and told me that she was deeply ashamed and sorry for the pain she had caused me. We had a very good, long conversation about all sorts of things and I felt that the timing was not good last night to bring up FB. But I definitely will address that topic probably tonight.

Here.
Acroynoms, Abbreviations