been separated since october 2012, no contact. she says thru her attorney that this is about "disputes with her adult children" yea adults. i'm willing to sit down and talk and resolve this, but she isn't. they (her kids) are more important than our marriage, i'm like a foreigner in my own home. they are encouraging her to follow thru with the divorce. any one with advice?

Why are you separated?

what can i do if anything to get her to start talking? she is frozen in her desire that we divorce, her adult children seem to just resent my presence,our being together,her taking time to be with me, instead of them.so she gives in to their neediness and our marriage is 2nd place.

So why are you separated?

Did you move out of the house?

How long married? Have either of you ever had an affair before? Did you move out or did she?

married august 2011, we moved to the beach in august 2012 so she could teach school there, 5 hours from home. her kids got it in for me, i stood up to their abuse, it backfired, she asked me to pack up and leave in october 2012. no contact since, kids say "they weren't ready for me" all adults. no affairs in our mariage. issues are "disputes with her kids" also she is a widow of 6yrs, and he is still a very big part of their lives.

Vic, you say her children are adults. Are/were they living with you? What abuse are you talking about?

Why don't you give us a short timeline of your story, so we have a little more information. What is the story with her kids? Why do they have so much sway with your wife?

Can you be more specific? How did the kids abuse you? How old are they?

whew, i'll give u as much info and be brief too. Her kids range in age from 20-37, the 20yr old came back to live with just me,she was away teaching school. he was out of control and even with a set of rules that she and i gave him, he would not follow, and if i enforced them, with her permission, she would let him off. (drugs,drinking,sex,felony charge...) his consequences were like taking away his computer/gaming system. rules-basic type of responsibilities,nothing too out of the ordinary. a daughter age 36,manipulated her mom thru criticism of "us", that i was wrong and she was wrong for putting our marriage ahead of the daughter's wants. she pitched temper tantrums to get what she wanted, and my wife gave in. Her loyalties were to her kids first, noting was going to come between them and her. My wife's devotion to her deceased husband (6 yrs ago) was a catalyst for the family unity.they had not processed his being gone, wanted him to be kept alive, she would pray to him, watch home movies of him, compare me to him....... Her kids would push me aside, not let me be a part of the family. Secrets, lies and manipulation of circumstances. Posts of facebook that were derogatory, dislike of my stance on discipline of the 20yr old, even my dog was treated wrong. as i said they said "they weren't ready for me".
My guess as to why they have so much sway is one of two ideas-A-lack of closure of his death with the need to remain a family as if he were still alive, b-her need to be needed by them, she could not stand up to them for the sake of our marriage. They were 1st. i know kids are to have a certain position in any marriage, she just didn't realize that a healthy nucleus (our marriage) would have made all the difference in our family, they would have been drawn to our strength as a couple, instead she threw in the towel to please them. My kids were not even accepted, the daughter pitched a "[censored]" fit when they showed up at a beach retreat, (invited by my wife, who did not tell hers that mine were coming)did not defend their presence, just let the daughter have a tantrum. Hope this helps, plz ask more questions if needed. I appreciate input especially from those who have been where i am.

need some response, its critical for me to hear your opinions
or am i to blame for this? her kids just were not ready for their mom to be married. surely there is hope for blended families, she seems to not want to work on solving the issues. HELP

Have you seen these?
Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2

Yours and her kids are all grown. I don't understand why they are being allowed to interfere in your marriage. If she is going to put her adult kids before you. That should tell you a lot.

When you were dating did you see this from her?

It also sounds like she was living at the coast and you were living with her son? So y'all weren't living together at the time?

yea they are all grown, i can only speculate the reason why they came first, but they do. I thought we would have a marriage that was healthy, a nucleus of the two of us, with the Godly characteristics that make one healthy, not, she or should i say they were not willing to allow another man in her life, (she had lost her husband 6yrs prior) yet her devotion today even is as strong as it was during their marriage. She was living away from home due to her teaching the first year we were married, that's when her son came back home, and i was the adult in "charge" so to speak. he resented that, and her family became irate that i would even dare to discipline him, even with her permission. She would not support me to them, never defending my actions which she approved to them, its as if she were afraid of them, afraid of loosing them. all of them would almost huddle over her son to "protect" him because he was the baby "20" and had lost his dad. Nonsense, he manipulated them for sympathy,using a bleeding heart to keep their favor, the kid was charged with a felony,drugs,sex,drinking and no one wanted to help him find another way of living, I had raised two boys, they knew what was correct behavior, or there was consequences, and they would get them, her son did not have any consequences for his behavior. so he just did as he wanted. Sad for him and her.

Yes, but have either of you had an affair before, in a previous marriage?

Dr. Harley's recommendation is that the stepparent never do the enforcing. He should focus mainly on being the children's friend, because in a blended family there is already so much against you.

In parenting in general, Dr. Harley says you first have to negotiate what the rules will be, and then how you will enforce them. The outcome of each of these negotiations needs to be something you are both happy and enthusiastic about, or it will not stick. It sounds like her heart really wasn't in the agreement that you made.


I can see why you wouldn't want to live with that! I would say "I am unwilling to live in a home with adults present who do these things" and I personally would be out until she is willing to negotiate a solution to this problem. But I would refrain totally from making judgmental statements about the kids or her. Examples would be "You are a worthless dopehead who belongs in jail" or "You should get control of your kids." Judgmental statements (even about things that are pretty atrocious and cause you great pain and likely fear) would be a damage to your marriage.

If I am reading right, the youngest is 20 years old. The idea that these guys are breaking the law but still living at home is not something I would put up with. I would separate over that. And I don't think you can fix a 20 year old drug user by taking away computer games. That is more like something you do with a 10 year old, over less serious issues.

I would try to get an agreement with her that you will not live with her children any more. If she is unwilling to agree to that, I don't think you have any hope other than to separate and date her and possibly win her back to being in love with you to the point that she would be willing to create a lifestyle that pleases you both. Of course, you can't win her back to being in love with you by making disrespectful judgments about her and her children, no matter how appalling their behavior may be to you.

All of this business of psychoanalyzing her and her children ("not willing to allow another man in their life", "not willing to implement the characteristics of a Godly marriage / life") is disrespectful and will tend to make her less loyal to you (love bank withdrawals). All it does is invite debate, as anybody can easily rebut with "are not!" "are too!" "is not!" "is so!" and unless you are God or a mind reader you cannot say anything about their motivations for certain. And that debate will absolutely kill a marriage.

It is better to talk about your reactions and focus on what you will or will not tolerate: "I can't live in a home with grown children" or "I can't live in a home with drug users." No need to dip into whether they are using drugs because they aren't ready for another man in their life or what. It doesn't matter!! What matters is the effect it is having on YOU; not debatable opinions as to why they are doing it. What matters is that the intolerable situation STOP; not that we diagnose what's causing it.

And if you can get that aspect out of your statements, you will come off as being much more respectful and attractive. She probably DOES want to have a marriage with you, but she doesn't want to hear you tell her how to parent or say bad things about her kids! And if you can eliminate the love bank withdrawals (disrespectful statements) and start making love bank deposits again (primarily dating her!) you can probably turn this around.

Start off by eliminating the disrespect from your conversation. Quit pushing your idea of what is Godly (her ideas are just as likely to be correct as yours!) Quit faulting her for not carrying through with agreements she was unenthusiastic about.

Read and reread and practice what Dr. Harley has to say about the Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation. Conversation is the key back to your wife, but it must be enjoyable conversation, not fights!

markos
she did have an affair in her first marriage, he became her 2nd husband. i've not ever had an affair. I agree with you on the parenting issue of who enforces the rules, that seemed to be "our" best choice since she was working away from the home. Immature of the consequences, i'll have to agree with you too. AS far as my telling her negative things about her kids, yes i did when we were together. I wanted the youngest to pull our or his downward spiral and grow up, her soft approach to discipline had not worked, and as i did with my two boys a stronger hand seemed to be affective. But, what about now. I would hope she would want to rekindle our love, i know how to make deposits to her love bank, i was good at that so she said, but she won't even talk with me, we've had no communication since October or '12.Right now i feel she has what she wants- her kids when and where she wants, her independence, a good job living on the beach and if she does as her mom, who is also a widow, she will have a live in companion. Her deceased husband is such a big part of her life, she lives and breathes him, still wears his rings, prays to him etc. made remarks comparing me to his performance intimately, HOW do i work thru this to create a friendship and possibly the two of us fall in love again? i"m willing to move mountains for the two of us, I know a lot of my statements are psychoanalyzing our situation, i know her, even if we have only lived together 14 months as a married couple. Getting her to want to work on our lives together is "NOT" in my opinion a goal she has. why should she, she's got everything she wants or so it seems. We were good together dating and until the 20yr old came home. that's when things changed. she agreed before she asked me to move out that he should have been made to come and live with her YES,but he stayed in our house with just me.
I am open to any suggestions that might stir the pathway for a healing on our relationship, It will take us both, and right now she isn't willing to step out> I have made no contact with any of her family, nor posted any negative remarks say on facebook, i would guess that she knows me well enough to say that all she has to do is call and i would be willing to sit down and work and work on this. i know i have changes to make, i'm willing, so should she be too. its a heart issue, and only God can change a heart. Plz reply

I guess I don't know what you mean by that. You should make sure you don't ever call her or her kids immature.


This is so disrespectful it hurts me to read it, and I am a completely unrelated stranger! This is why she doesn't want to see you any more.

Telling her her ideas "don't work" is a disrespectful judgment. Telling her what her children need is a disrespectful attempt to educate her; setting yourself up as her savior who is here to straighten her out.

Probably what happened is she was in love with you, but as love bank withdrawals like these took their toll, she fell out of love with you, and now she feels no commitment at all.


Probably not. She probably wants to protect herself from the pain that abusive statements bring to her.

If you want to win her back I think you need to get some help learning how to talk about these issues without being disrespectful.


Are you willing to give up statements like the ones I quoted?


It doesn't matter whether you know her or not. It's disrespectful to psychoanalyze your spouse whether your analysis is correct or not. It's disrespectful to tell your spouse the right approach to her children, whether you are right or not.


Yes, she is in withdrawal. Dr. Harley says withdrawal is typically caused by love busters. Like your disrespectful judgments. You cannot save your marriage without winning her out of withdrawal, and that will require eliminating disrespectful judgments. You have a habit of talking about your "right" solutions and comparing them to her "wrong" solutions, and that is absolutely disrespectful and will ultimately mean the end of your marriage unless you turn this around by changing that habit and learning to be respectful toward her.

State of withdrawal in marriage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=26&subsublink=101


It's going to be you alone for awhile, but it can work, if you can stop talking as if she is wrong and you are right. Are you open to doing that?


You don't need her to call. Just be open to counsel and correction on this issue: you are majorly disrespectful in your marriage, and that is a big reason why she's not making effort to get back with you.


This sentence is a big problem. The main change you need to make is to stop your disrespectful judgments. But this sentence is a disrespectful judgment! Telling her what she should do or how she should feel is disrespectful. It is her decision whether to try to reconcile with you or not, or whether to try to change or not. And there's not much point to her changing as long as you are disrespectful like this.


That's an interesting theology, but in my Bible God tells me that I have a major impact on my wife's heart. Dr. Harley analyzes this impact in great detail and his materials here can teach you how to turn this around, but not if you do nothing and claim that only God can do the work. This sentence makes it sound like you are not really open to change and not really open to suggestions.

Do you want your wife back? If so, you are going to have to eliminate the disrespectful judgments.