How long do you want to live in anger? How much do you think she should pay? How long do you want to stay in this place before you two work together to get the answers you need to close the door on this? Get your questions together, calmly propose a time (as soon as possible) for this final discussion about the affair and get it done. If you need a polygraph, get that set up quickly.

There are no conditions a spouse has to meet for one to eliminate Lovebusters. Eliminating Lovebusters isn't a sacrifice, isn't being a doormat, isn't sucking it all up, isn't conditioned on whether you think the marriage will work out, and certainly isn't based upon whether the other spouse is meeting your needs. Just like EP's, transparency, and just compensation needs to be in place without knowing if it will work out.

If you continue to approach this through punishment, you will lose more than you have already, if you protect your wife from your Lovebusters you will gain more than you ever dreamed. That is the gift of following Marriage Builders principles.

I'm here guys, just busy with work and when not working I just want to be with my family. We are following your plans and we are seeing a great improvement. Already my marriage has been far more passionate and loving than ever, other than the few blowouts we have had. As far as I go, I am still very confused and have a hard time trying to think of what I need to know or even want to know. Sometimes I do feel like running but than those thoughts just go away. I know I want to be with my wife but sometimes I get a feeling that single is better that I should just hop on my bike and hit the road. I know I won't do that but at times the feeling is powerful. I don't know what to do about my trust? Basically I'm terrified that I am goin to make the wrong decision.

The angry outbursts will quickly destroy any love bank balances, so you both need to commit to never again having one. Ever. Period. All other love busters must also be eliminated, or the love bank deposits made in each other's accounts will be in vain.


What you NEED to know: all of the conditions that led to the affair, so that each and every one of those conditions can be eliminated.

What you WANT to know: anything else that will shed light on this tragedy.

Ask her to write out a timeline of events. After you have the facts, you must never bring it up again. This is not to let the WW "off the hook;" rather, it's because talking about the ugly past brings that ugly past into the present. You want your present and future to be wonderful. It's hard to enjoy a wonderful present when the past is constantly brought up.


The roller coaster. This will most likely be how you feel for a couple of years. When your marriage is recovered, you will no longer feel this way.


Dr. Harley finds that a marriage that is recovered has regained trust. It's not a blind trust, which is very silly to have in a marriage anyway, as we have discovered. Rather, it's trust that our spouse will have our best interests in mind.

Yes, the recovery period can, indeed, be terrifying. We find it hard to make ourselves vulnerable to the one who inflicted such great pain on us; however, it's this vulnerability that makes us open to love bank deposits.

You do not need to have trust to begin recovery. It's unrealistic to have that expectation. Once your wife is transparent and you can check up on her when you have the need/desire, she can begin to EARN your trust. Once you and she commit to and FOLLOW the POJA and PORH, your marriage can begin to recover.

I do commit to no more AO's and will get help as will she. We will never hide feelings from one another again. I told her that sometimes I feel like running and ending the pain and she says that makes her want to put up a wall around herself, I told her that's when I heed her most and I don't think that a wall is a good idea. I'll let her tell you what got us here and yes it was mostly my doing if what she is telling me is true. I was closed and distant to her for many years but that's no longer the case.

I will post the questions that I need answers to here once I figure it out

Dr Harley has often said that in his experience, Job Loss is typically the #1 reason for depression in men. While the M is #1 with the W.


This coupled with the betrayal is going to send anyone for a spin. Massive spin. Try not to be too hard on yourself. What you are going through is the most difficult experience anyone can have.

You are on the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. If you follow MB you can (over time) level out your life.

If I can do it, so can you. Just don't make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment! Hang in there..1 step at a time. 1 day at a time.

I never really lost the job, I gave it up but it's only a phone call away. There are a few rigs working right around the city which I may be able to get on but I won't be the driller, however I will still be doing what I love and be home at night and the money is still much better than what I get driving a rebar truck in the city. I hope my wife understands that I feel comfortable with you guys and I feel comfortable receiving help from you. I like the fact that you call me out on my faults and I take responsibility for my part in all this even if the final result is ending it. I am sure out marriage can be saved and I am here to do just that. I am in a date of confusion where I can't tell truth from fiction, in fact I believe most everything to be fiction. I am going to post my questions here and I would like my wife to answer here so that I can get help in understanding.

I will tell you everything from my side and exactly what I went through when I get the time.

Dr. Harley's position is that you should not feel trust at this point. Simply continue to verify no contact on your wife's part. If she gets upset at you for checking on her, that's a bad sign. If she's open and transparent, and your checking never reveals a problem, you will eventually feel trust, because trust is a feeling she creates in you by acting trustworthy, for long enough to create the feeling.

Dr. Harley says keep checking until your checking is boring.

Dr. Harley says focus on the circumstances of how the affair happened that can be used to prevent another affair.

Examples:
How was it? How and where did they meet? How did they communicate?

She has gotten angry at me wanting to see her phone in the past few days. She said "what are you the phone police?" Or just flat out says "why" when I ask.

WHY??? really? She can't be serious. Not a good sign at all.


Please list the EP's you have in place and your conditions of her for your participation in R.

She's done it a couple times mostly when arguing starts. For the most part she just leaves it around for me but when she gets upset she always starts texting and won't let me see.

I have a bad typo up there. I didn't mean "HOW was it?" I meant "WHO was it?"

Looks like it's too late to edit, but I wanted to get this correction in there!

STOP ARGUING. You're not going to get anything you want if you are arguing. Lovebusters discourage honesty. STOP IT.


Who is she texting?

Do you have spyware on her phone?

RNR-

My man, you are being WAY too soft here in your approach with your WW.

I am concerned that you are not following MB's in the early stages of discovery and have not sett the bar high enough to consider starting R.


You have to know that if you don't start this off on the right foot, you may end up like me in a FR. Trust me, that isn't what you want to do.


Dr Harley's program can help you formulate a solid plan which will give you action steps to follow even when you feel like throwing in the towel on the M.

I'm nervous for you in the sense that if you don't create and implement the MB rules TODAY, your potential R will take a massive blow in the near future.

I suggest you review her list of EP�s and expand on them in a way that makes you feel safe enough to ever really start R.--These are NOT negotiable. She either agrees or she is OUT.

You both must commit to follow POJA, RH and UA to get things rolling. If she isn�t willing to do these things ENTHUSIASTICALLY and actually do them, your R will most likely fail.

DO NOT believe a single word right now that comes out of her mouth. Trust me. Verify EVERY SINGLE thing she does.

Create rules you both can follow. Make promises to each other to identify, focus and meet each other�s EN�s. Commit to stop all LB�s. Become the mates that BOTH of you always wanted.

And do not take �her word� for anything.

This is why lovebusters and your AO's need to be eliminated she now has a reason in her foggy mind to deny you access to her phone and other EPs you put in place. Your AOs aren't an excuse for her to break EPs, list them here and let the vets review them.

HUGE RED FLAG!!

RNR, we've posted to your wife about the phone, and she's agreed to start letting you see it. If this doesn't change, be sure to post about it here.

Also, as others mentioned DON'T ARGUE anymore! Arguing needs to be avoided at all cost. An argument is like a nuclear war. You will do more damage than you can imagine. It is better to shut up and say nothing than to argue. If she does something that makes you want to argue, POST HERE ABOUT IT, and we'll try to help you get the message across without a fight.